Denouncing Christmas at a “secular Christmas party": Hitchens has come up with a new way of being a pain in the arse. Hats off.

HOW TO DEAL WITH NOISY NEIGHBOURS

1. Close the doors and windows.
2. Go to the kitchen and turn the gas on.
3. Go to the bedroom and light a candle.
4. Go for a walk while your flat explodes.

I haven’t done that yet, but that’s not to say that I won’t. They keep playing that appalling song, that one that goes 'ay ay ay'. (That was a joke, by the way. They all go ‘ay ay ay’.)

Latin America is basically a bunch of people in hats going ‘ay ay ay’ and running each other over.

And another thing: if you park your car outside my building and play reggaeton at full volume at 7am on a Sunday morning, you aren’t an exuberant, hot-blooded Latin; you are a tosser.

And if you cut across two lanes of traffic then shake your fist and shout ‘son of a whore’ at another driver (who is roaring right back at you), you aren’t an exuberant, hot-blooded Latin; you are a tosser.

And if you show up for a meeting an hour and twenty minutes late and ask, “Have you been here long?”, etc., etc., ...tosser.

They’ve been getting away with this shit for far too long. (All real-life examples from the last couple of weeks.)

Four or five months ago my taxi driver got out to have a punch up with another driver, an old git who turned out to be a retired or off-duty cop. So the pig gets his ID out and stands in the middle of the road blowing a whistle to get more police over, my guy drives off, and then we had this, like, car chase for a couple of blocks before we lost him. It was one of those days when you think, “I can’t handle this anymore. I'm moving to Switzerland.”

The Instapundit has posted another update about a GPS he ordered for his car:

“So I wound up ordering the Garmin Nuvi 660 instead of the 350 I mentioned earlier... I've often had the experience of being on a trip and stuck in traffic, and wishing I knew local conditions well enough to find a way around the jam. I'll let you know how it works out.”

I can’t wait to learn if he found a way around the jam. I certainly hope he did, and was reunited with his loved ones as soon as possible.

The hopes and prayers of liberty-loving people everywhere march with you.

What a brilliant man.

Police are complaining about the large numbers of nuisance calls they receive. Dealing with thick members of the public is diverting resources away from shooting Brazilians and diversity training, they claim. This is my favourite one, but they are all pretty side-splitting.

What is today's date?

There is pole dancing at number 3.

I can't find Homebase and I am very distressed.

Is there a hairdresser's open in Cambridge?

When I phoned them claiming to have my foot stuck inside a pumpkin they told me I was wasting their time, as if the time would otherwise have been spent kicking down doors and arresting terrorists.

I didn’t much care for her snooty tone.

THE PEOPLE OF CANADA CAN FUCK OFF

Ha ha. Look at these dumb Canadians trying to ban newspaper articles.

The Canadian Islamic Congress and everyone else in Canada can all fuck off, as far as I’m concerned.

KILLER FACT!

"Egyptians, Indians and Turks search for "sex" on Google more than any other nationality. "Hitler" is most popular in Germany, Austria and Mexico; "Nazi" in Chile, Australia and Britain. "David Beckham" gets most hits in Venezuela."

WHAT THEY DON’T TEACH YOU AT HARVARD BUSINESS SCHOOL

Fellas, have you ever tried to put your bollocks into a marmite jar? It's a simple matter to get them in, but you cannot get them out again. I don't understand the science behind it.

Try it during your tea break. It really works!

So how do you get them out? Or must they remain there until the crack of doom?

Simple. You give a hammer to a passer-by and invite him to take a swing. And –hey presto!- liberated plums.

They pay me to solve problems.

I’ll never forget the time I went into a bakery in Rome to buy a pastry.

Well I’ll be damned:

“A new guide to the world's most awful airports, by Foreign Policy magazine, doesn't even include Heathrow in its top five.”

The place does have one redeeming feature, which is that tycoons and celebrities who pay $8,000 for their tickets get treated as badly as everyone else. Even Snoop Dogg must take his shoes off and stand in his socks boiling with impotent rage, before being herded like a pig through the metal detectors.

Today I leave for Chechnya on a bungee-jumping holiday. I'll update the minute I get back.

Halloween party tonight. I just bought a beard and a herringbone jacket. Going as a member of the Sinn Fein executive.

COLOMBIA

Elections this weekend, which means the bars and whorehouses were all shut, and none of the shops would sell drink. All over Latin America they ban alcohol during elections in case people get drunk and vote for the communists.

I’m not allowed to vote or get drunk, which strikes me as bleeding monstrous, if not an abuse of my human rights. But they do it to try to keep the violence and looting to acceptable levels. All it takes is a small sherry before luncheon and they’ll come pouring down from the slums in an enraged mob, hacking up the middle classes with machetes. They always try to pass it off as Latin exuberance.

You would think the mobs could simply go to the supermarket a day early and buy Saturday's sherry on Friday, but that would require a level of organisation which in our case we have not got.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"There's so much shit to do. But really, why bother with any of it? You're going to die eventually. Then you're going to wonder why you bothered with all that shit."

Sir William Gladstone (1809–1898)

SAY IT WITH HADDOCK

"Sniek up an slip id down teh back of is neck or levae it on his chaire — its up to u!"

It just occurred to me that I haven’t sewn a herring into anyone’s curtains for nearly a decade. Getting old.

O, WHAT A NOBLE MIND IS HERE O'ERTHROWN

Our generation’s Orwell has had his gonads waxed.

“The fanglike teeth are what is sometimes called "British": sturdy, if unevenly spaced, and have turned an alarming shade of yellow and brown…”

These fat stupid Americans sure do love their stereotypes.

LIST OF THE DAY

Five people not from Dundee:

1. Christopher Columbus
2. Otto von Bismarck
3. David Blaine
4. Ho Chi Minh
5. Mariah Carey

(The first letters of each name spell, “Cod, hm?”. This is an excellent way of remembering the list.)

TOSSER STRUCK ON CHIN BY VEGETABLE SIEGE WEAPON

Like most Britons, I am in the habit of looking up at the sky when I leave the house to see if I am about to be killed by a pumpkin. So this story made my blood run cold:

“The first weekend of pumpkin flinging season ended abruptly Sunday... Chuck Willard of Hancock hit on the chin… medieval weapon called a trebuchet… it can toss pumpkins 300 yards... He was treated and released and said to be anxious to start tossing pumpkins again.”

When a man fires a pumpkin 300 yards, he becomes as a wrathful god, raining death and plagues from the sky. He can smiteth the heathen on the other side of a car park, like a thunderbolt of Zeus. Can such destructive power be harnessed for good, or will it fall into the wrong hands, is the question we now must ask.

YOU WON’T GET MUCH POONTANG WEARING A MARK STEYN T-SHIRT

The great Steyn has been reduced to selling t-shirts of his mad staring face, to help feed his family. Sorry, but I have a hard enough time getting laid as it is, even without bearded Canadian lunatics on my front. I doubt if even George Clooney could score in such a garment.

Or could he? While there undoubtedly exists a strong negative correlation between wearing t-shirts of conservative newspaper columnists and success in getting anyone to sleep with you, that doesn’t necessarily prove causation, and separating cause and effect would not be easy in this case.

THESE POLES AND SOMALIS ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME

It is true that I once met the Coppersblog, but it didn't happen at all like he said. And we certainly didn’t go to any “fashionable restaurants”.

It was a bright cold day in January, and I was getting mugged in Shepherd’s Bush by some Africans. Or they might have been East Europeans –these Poles and Somalis all look the same to me. This policeman was walking past on his way to the BBC, and I explained that I was middle class and asked if he wouldn’t mind dispersing them with his baton, tear gas, taser, Japanese fighting sticks... etc.

He said he would love to help, but he had to appear on the Simon Mayo show. Not to arrest Mayo -that would be too much to hope for- but to mouth off about the crime wave.

I told him he was a necessary evil, and with mutual expressions of esteem we parted.

FATHER OF MURDERED CHILD LOUSY AT POETRY

The father of that murdered 11-year-old has written the worst poem I have ever read.

“He didn't deserve this,” said the mother. “He was shot in the back of his neck from a shot from behind."

Many British 11-year-olds do deserve to be shot in the neck, but Rhys Jones was not of their number. The Prime Minister also claimed to be opposed to the killing, saying that those responsible will be "tracked down, arrested and punished".

Smart move there on Brown’s part, calling for the killers to be arrested. Had he come out in favour of shooting 11-year-olds it could have cost him votes in sentimental northern constituencies, where public opinion is overwhelmingly opposed to such shootings.

And the Chief Constable of Merseyside Police, Bernard Hogan-Howe, told Sky News: "For an 11-year-old boy to get shot and die is a terrible thing."

Wise and brave words.

When I was growing up in Jarrow in the 1930s we had an expression, “It goes without saying...” But that also went without saying, and the phrase fell into disuse. So by all means say stuff, if it makes you feel better.

NARCISSISTS' MANIFESTO

“There will never be anyone else like you in the future of the universe. There has never been anyone exactly like you since human life began. That’s why being yourself is more important than anything else.”

No doubt this kind of thing is very moving if you’re an American, and I imagine the author had tears rolling down her stupid face as she typed it. But how would she like it if she were in the approach to Heathrow and air traffic control suddenly got an idea for a poem?

Prepare for ditching. Not so creative now, are you, you old whore? See what you’ve done with your damnable inspiring books?

This is why life has become such a pain in the harris. You call the bank, and they don’t answer the phone because they don’t like banking, and want to do something “fulfilling” instead, like the guy who gets fired out of cannons at the circus.

Well let me tell you something. When the ratio of bankers to cannonning clowns falls below 10,000 to 1, you’ve got a problem. No nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure.

"There has never been anyone exactly like you since human life began." This is obviously the case for people like me and Bruce Willis. But if you’re not Bruce Willis, keep your ear to the grindstone.

TEMPLATE

“Never having been to Venezuela / Palestine / Kurdistan, or within 500 miles of it, and despite not speaking Spanish / Arabic / Kurdish, I have come to the conclusion, based on some stuff I read on the internet…”
            
            [insert fatuous CIF opinion piece]

“…and I believe this very strongly, though I cannot, off the top of my head, name 10 Venezuelans, Palestinians or Kurds.”

I was at a party the other day, and there was this man holding forth about Marsh Arabs. I don’t remember if he was for or against them, but he was pretty steamed up about it. I’m supposed to worry about Marsh Arabs now, am I, on top of everything else? Sod that.

So I said, “You ever met a Marsh Arab, cunt?”

He hadn’t, of course.

'MONK DIES IN FREAK MOWER ACCIDENT'

'One of Britain's leading Buddhist monks has died in a freak accident cutting lawns at his temple in Milton Keynes.'

A leading monk? A freak mower accident? At a temple in Milton Keynes?

This has all the hallmarks of a Vladimir Putin hit. Any simpleton can mow his own foot off, but to die in a mowing accident takes planning. Imagine if Teddy Kennedy lost his life in a ‘mowing accident’. We’d never hear the end of it.

“I get to Her Majesty's Customs. Overweight, uniformed women let black sniffer dogs rub their disgusting wet noses against people's luggage. I stroll through and out into a welcoming area. This is where Heathrow proper starts. It is so vile, I can't bring myself to describe it.” (Hemlock)


Due to heightened security, passengers may be doused with freezing water. Thank you for your cooperation.

That Scotchman has another song out. It’s nice to see the young people enjoying themselves.

MUTE INGLORIOUS STILTON

Venezuelans under Chavez are now enjoying shelves full of cheese. In England we can only dream of such things.

One of Hugo Chavez’s many achievements has been to make absolute nutter behaviour respectable. I take the point that if the coup-plotters are putting it about that there is no cheese, when cheese is plentiful, then you have to expose them for the liars and fanatics they are. In a Venezuelan context this cheese post is reasonable enough.

But if a Brazilian or Argentine went around a supermarket photographing the beans, and wrote patriotic posts about the abundance of breakfast cereals, people would say he had lost his wits.

KILLER FACT!

Today is Napoleon’s* birthday.

*Emperor of the French, King of Italy, Protector of the Rhine, etc. Noted for legalising incest.

Krugman:

“The bill expanding children’s health insurance that just passed in the House makes you want to stand up and cheer. Reports that Senator Charles Schumer opposes plans to close the hedge fund tax loophole make you want to sit down and cry.”

Like a lot of Americans, this man is a serious hysteric, either whooping and high-fiving, or sobbing like a baby. If a Japanese economist did a Paltrow every time he saw a tax loophole, they’d lock him away.

“Risten here, Kwugman, you gonna be teach economic in Osaka Mental Hospital, if you doesn't cut it out with the weeping,” is what I imagine they would say.

NIGHTMARE

Water supply is expected to be restored to thousands of homes in flood-hit areas on Monday, although a full recovery remains days away... The Gloucestershire Flood Relief Fund has been officially launched with an appeal by the Mayors of Gloucester and Tewkesbury.

To be honest, I’m pretty tired of hearing about these worzels and their problems. Here in Bogota we just had a transport strike, so my cleaner didn't show up this week. No clean glasses, so I'm having to drink my Pinot Noir out of a mug with “Carpet Solutions” written on the side.

But you don’t hear me complaining and asking for government handouts. I soldier on, with my customary stiff upper lip.

A BRISTLY TWAT IS A DISCOURTESY TO OTHERS

The rise of 'DIY cosmetic surgery' is being driven by a celebrity culture which made people dissatisfied with their own bodies… "The worst case is a man who did a DIY nose job. He pushed a chisel up his nose and then replaced the cartilage he had taken off with a chicken bone.”

It was happening in Colombia and Venezuela years ago, the old chisel-up-the-conk treatment. Laser hair removal, my brothers, is the next big thing in Latin America.

I was talking to a guy the other day who said his wife is getting her snatch lasered. The clinics were looking for new ways to make money now that the market for silicone tits is saturated, and this is what they came up with. He was bemoaning the expense of it all, but in my opinion it’s a wise investment. And a bristly twat is a discourtesy to others.

I don’t know if this craze has hit London yet. I suppose I ought to think about getting my testes lasered, otherwise people will say I can’t afford it. I’d be a laughing stock, if word should reach the clubs.

I shudder to think what effect all this is having on economic productivity. “Your call is important to us. All of our customer service advisers are busy at the moment.”

Yeah, busy getting their gonads lasered. A fine way to treat the paying public! Bald nadgers and Chavismo- that’s the way Latin America is heading, I’m afraid.


A bristly twat recently.

UPDATE!

As Mark Steyn said a couple of weeks ago:

Socialized health care is the biggest cause not just of the infantilization of the citizenry but of the state. The unloveliness of any British city after six in the evening is a natural consequence of what happens when the state relieves the citizen of primal responsibilities.

The country with the second-highest level of healthcare spending in the world is Norway. So according to Steyn’s theories, Norway should be an absolute moral cesspit. And it is!

Some offenders have taken to having sex in a downtown park, just behind the venerable Akershus Fortress and Castle.... "It's not very nice that it looks like a bordello in the park and on the side streets.”

"This is going on all over the city," said Kåre Stølen of the downtown police station at Grønland….

Steyn makes a lot of sense. From next week I can be reached at:

7 Hammertårnet
Sandfargededekket
Oslo
Norway

From that old magistrate:

"I had a sudden flash of inspiration about the forthcoming Community Justice and CJSSS (Criminal Justice Simple Speedy and Summary)... I suddenly made the connection between age-old tradition and practice and what we are trying to achieve in the courts.

Simple. Speedy. Summary. Involvement of the community in deciding and carrying out justice. How to 'deliver' these objectives? Of course - it's a lynching!

I'm in court tomorrow. I shall put the suggestion to my Bench chairman if I see him."

In this clip Michael Moore is yelling at someone called “Wolf Blitzer”. People may ask why someone would be called Wolf Blitzer. I do not have the answer. It is preferable to Toad Blitzer, I suppose.

This interview really cheered me up. I love to see people shouting at each other. Whether it is a debate on health care, or a drunk roaring himself hoarse at a bus stop, it does one’s heart good to see.

“Shouting is not only healthful but could, if followed to its illogical conclusion, do away with telephones.” (Sir Henry Rawlinson)

A friend of mine took out some medical insurance in the US of States. They gave him a free mousemat. Moore dodged the issue of mousemats in his film, which I downloaded for free off the internet. A copyright lawyer would probably say that I had cheated this brilliant young filmmaker of money by not paying for it. But if I had had to wait 18 months and buy it on amazon.com, I wouldn’t have watched it at all, so I haven’t deprived him of anything, the tit.

In response to the film, the right has gone on the attack. First Fox News tried to claim that many Canadian doctors were in fact tree surgeons, then Mark Steyn argued that the NHS causes, if not terrorism, then at least vandalism of bus stops.

The good news is that if you have vaccinations, clean drinking water, and avoid eating toadstools and other known poisons, you’ll live to 80. There is no correlation with healthcare spending, doctors per capita, hospital beds, diet or anything else. Greeks, Norwegians, Canadians, Japanese, Belgians- everyone lives to be 80, or near enough.

KILLER FACT!

The average ant works a 33.6 hour week, equivalent to 1,750 hours a year- more than a Canadian, but less than an American or a Japanese.

What do ants and Canadians do with the rest of their time? Someone must know.

This sobbing four year old –sobbing, believe it or kiss my sharries, because Tony Blair is no longer Prime Minister!- obviously has very little understanding of the devastation that Hun has wrought.

If she cannot see that Blair has been responsible for the worst assault on our liberties since the Lord Liverpool administration, and the most disastrous foreign policy since that nut in Paraguay managed to get 90% of his own population annihilated, then frankly I'm going to have reconsider my position on giving four-year olds the vote.

Blair was quite simply the worst British Prime Minister since Vlad the Impaler, and Vlad the Impaler wasn’t even a British Prime Minister. History will record that when Blair left office a four-year old wept, while everyone else wanted to tear him limb from limb.

KILLER FACT!

A gram of cocaine in New Zealand costs $714 US, equivalent to 20.4 anvils.

World Cocaine Prices In Anvils
New Zealand- 20.4
Australia- 7.1
United States- 3.1
Italy- 3.1
Hong Kong- 2.7
Britain- 2.6
Ireland- 2.5
Brazil- 0.34
Argentina- 0.17
Colombia- 0.06

NEWS ROUNDUP

A departing Blair frees 25 thousand villains, crisis in the Middle East, pillow fight in the Big Brother house, and Krugman goes to Sicily on a cycling holiday.

I’m not going to provide links anymore. My good name should suffice.


Horoscopes:
Capricorn- You are summoned to see the Minister. Your article in the Orlando Sentinel has gravely wounded the feelings of the Chinese people.

Virgo- The tedium finally becomes unbearable.

THE ORDER OF THE FAT DICKHEAD

"Iran has stepped up its protest over the knighthood awarded by Britain to Salman Rushdie... Britain denied that the award was intended to insult Islam."

It was an insult all right- to Rushdie. Maybe this nonsense still impresses foreigners, but to the British "knight" simply means "famous dickhead in his fifties" or "fat crook who donates to the Labour Party".

Sir Cliff Richard, Sir Jimmy Saville, Sir Elton John, Sir Bono... I could go on. Giving one to someone with talent and brains, rather than yet another ignorant blatherskite of the Ian Botham type, is most unusual, even if it wasn’t a deliberate slight.

"Everybody has a summer holiday.
Doin' things they always wanted to.
So we're goin' on a summer holiday
To make our dreams come true..."

It seems to me that if you award knighthoods for that sort of thing, the bar has been set pretty low. Unless you want to try to argue that Sir Cliff embodies the knightly virtues of wysedom, verite, humylite and swiftness.

The country has been going to the dogs for as long as I can remember. But sometime between the Cliff Richard knighthood and Prescott’s promotion to Deputy Prime Minister, I think we can say that we finally arrived at the dogs. And here we all are, at the dogs.

If you seek the dogs, look around you.

ESSENTIAL HOLIDAY PHRASES

At the beach:
“J'ai un paquet charmant de noix de coco.”
I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts. (To a Frenchman)

“Ci bisogna il permesso del barone per scoppare.”
You need the Baron’s permission to fuck. (Italian)


At the hotel:
"Deine Katze ist ein moralischer Idiot"
Your cat is a moral idiot (German)

위대한 당의 령도밑에 조국의 존엄과 위력이 힘있게 떨쳐지고 사회주의강성대국건설을 위한 선군혁명총진군이 힘있게
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. Let’s mutilate US imperialism. (Korean)

“Vienen unos osos. ¡Que mamera!”
Some bears are coming. What a pain in the arse! (Spanish)

This is –I do not say this lightly- the biggest retard I have ever seen on YouTube.

THE PEACH STATE TALIBAN

Oral news- That kid who was sentenced to ten years in jail for a blowjob had his sentence overturned. Wisdom and common sense prevailed for 90 minutes or so, but were quickly stamped on, and the state is appealing the decision. He has already been in jail for more than two years, but they feel this is unduly lenient for the crime of getting one’s weasel greased in the State of Georgia, and are trying to make him serve the full decade.

I am not a lawyer -nor am I an authority on chugging cock- and it is possible that I have overlooked something. Is there more to this case than meets the eye, or are these people really as deranged as they appear to be?

The Iraq War; the existence of God; should you put the milk in first: these are all things about which reasonable people might disagree. But you simply cannot have a discussion with someone who believes that imprisoning someone for ten years is a suitable response to a teenager getting a blowjob.

The main difference between Britain and the US, it seems to me, is that the former is run by incompetents, whereas the latter is run by madmen and sadists.

KISS MY SWINGERS

Barclays Bank can kiss my swingers.

THE PARIS HILTON PRISON DIARIES

"DAY 1: Arrived late Sunday night. Asked if I could check into my room immediately. Quite possibly the rudest concierge I have ever met. I told him he was fired..."

(Via Tim Blair)

MY PALESTINIAN TAXI HELL

Just got an email saying, “Amazon.com recommends the ethnic cleansing of Palestine.”

If you look around the world, you’ll find that there’s a strong negative correlation between the amount of ethnic cleansing and the amount of taxi cleansing. Every time you put the seatbelt on in a Gaza taxi you get a diagonal stripe of crud across your front.

And a dirty shirt is a discourtesy to others.

Their taxis work like buses, so you share them with other people. One day I was on my way to work when this young toad –one of our students, in fact- emptied a slush drink into my lap. His mother was all, “I’m sorry my son spilt slush drink on sir's expensive trousers.” But he didn’t spill it, the little bastard poured it. I really wanted to punch his fat fucking face.

I don't know how Fisk has coped with it all, these 30 years. He's got some nice suits. It's a miracle he's still sane.



Another suit ruined.

What's this Scotch oaf singing about? Is it something thoughtful and edifying, or is it the usual lachrymose crap about mountains and bonnie glens?

“Yer a wee baw bag, ya jaw’s gettin’ ripped.”

I must admit, I thought that one was quite good. I’ll be using that one myself the next time I meet a wee baw bag.

"Ah wiz like that pure mad hangin oot the back of ya granny like that yass."

Apparently that just means, "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts."

ON THIS DAY

On this day in 1958, the town of Bournemouth got its first traffic bollard. It was unveiled by comedian Max Wall following a display by the Red Arrows. “The bollards are going up all over Europe,” he told the cheering crowd. “We shall not see them come down again in our lifetimes.”

Although this was Bournemouth’s first bollard, it was by no means its last! Today the town has more than 16,000 bollards, making it the bollard capital of the South West!

If you would like to learn more about bollards please contact Malcolm Wicks MP, at the Department of Trade and Industry. Not that he’ll know- he’s an absolute dumbarse.

Just noticed that those Power Line chaff-heads have been reduced to selling ‘conservative t-shirts’. You’d think their American lawyers' salaries would be enough to keep the wolf from the door, but no, they need more.

The t-shirts themselves aren’t so terribly side-splitting. Even I could write better conservative t-shirts than that, and I voted for the Liberal Democrats.

    

    

Just 20 sterlings each. All proceeds will go to the starving lawyers of America.

Colombia- had an interesting chat the other day with a wrinkled old Brazilian lunatic who earns a living as a “wizard”.

The paramilitaries employed him to cast spells on them, to “close their bodies” and make them immune to bullets. Several of them subsequently got shot and, would you believe it, they bled to death.

There are many things that science still can’t explain.

This Hitchens column really makes sense.

(Via "Shuggy")

MORE POLICE TO GET TASERS

John Reid told a Police Federation conference he wants non-firearms officers to have the devices, which stun suspects with a 50,000-volt shock.

Tasered anaesthetised hogs have found little permanent damage. The innocent have nothing to fear.

"The police service is facing unprecedented challenges... Tasers are used in incidents where officers are faced with violence..."

Bollocks. The gruesome Scotch brute would issue them with cattle prods and electric eels, if they wanted them, and a large American corporation was lobbying for it. He likes electrocuting people.

I'm moving to Finland. I mean it this time. I want my children to grow up in a land where they won't be electrocuted by Scotchmen.

BLAIR RESIGNS

If you had to sum up the Blair years in 90 seconds, I don't think this could be improved upon:

All this has taken place in the last couple of days:

-"Rapper Snoop Dogg has defended the semi-naked models who dance suggestively in hip-hop videos against accusations they are hos."

-"Snoop Dogg, one of Al Gore's hand-picked crew of rappers against global warming, is sure racking up a series of criminal offenses on his way to performing a July 7th Live Earth concert for carbon depletion."

-"Snoop Dogg hopes to produce Celine Dion."

-"Snoop Dogg considers wrestling career."

I read all of these articles from beginning to end, and I was hardly the wiser afterwards than before. Like Dogg, I am myself a keen supporter of semi-naked models, wrestling, dancing suggestively and carbon depletion, and am happy to make common cause with him on these issues. Not so keen on Celine Dion.

Killer Fact! Snoop Dogg is a member of the Campaign For Real Ale.

ELECTION RESULTS

Labour leader, Rhodri Morgan, holds Cardiff West. A 12.2% swing to the Scottish Nationalists in East Kilbride. Who gives a hooting hog? I can’t believe that even the people who live there are interested in this rubbish.

The 3rd of May 2007 will instead be remembered as the day that Beckham went on a £20,000 fashion frenzy with Relatively Posh, buying a £4,500 suit, £1,900 handmade shoes, and a diamond-encrusted emerald.

They were joined at a "swanky restaurant" by her old bandmates from the popular beat ensemble the Spice Girls, who had TV funnyman David Walliams in tow, for some reason or other.

There used to be a guy on Italian TV who would suck up to rich people at fashion shows, La Scala, etc., and say, wow, check out that coat! Look at that necklace! Are those rubies? How much is that worth? Then he would ask, “Why don’t you give it to the poor?”, and they would stand there looking greedy and stupid. It was most amusing.

BERNIE OGUS

“Tomorrow will be the happiest day of your life. Your new toaster is up and running, your new haircut widely praised...”

Not having anything more pressing to do, I’m trying to get some new chain letters going on YouTube. If you forward it to 700 people you will have luck in the New Year. But if you don't forward it...

KILLER FACT!

In Britain, the suicide rate among cricketers is twice the national average.

BLAIR'S BRITAIN

The average person will eat 10,800 carrots, shed 121 pints of tears and have sex more than 4,200 times, a television documentary will claim tomorrow.

Much as I suspected. After ten years of Blair, Mr Average Briton now spends his days weeping, stuffing carrots into his yap and having sex, according to the experts. In my town, life isn’t really like that, but no doubt the carrot-eating sex fiends of the north are pulling the averages up.

I see that I am supposed to have sex 4,239 times, in between eating my 15 pigs and 2.3 tons of potatoes. If you want my advice, you need to aim for around 3,500 times by the time you’re 40, then try to knock off the remaining 739 before you get your pension. You've got to plan ahead. You don’t want to be in the position of having to pork the wife when you’re in your eighties. It must be the last thing you need.

When I hit 40 I might just call it a day, and buy one of those American dong-on-a-stick machines instead. That will free up a lot of time for my punishing carrot-eating regimen.


Blair's Britain. It's a living hell.

MALIGNANT TUBAS

Roy Edroso is having a tuba removed. For what it’s worth, I hope he lives.

When Randolph Churchill had a non-malignant tuba removed, Evelyn Waugh said, “It was a typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant, and remove it.”

That's the only tuba anecdote I can think of right now. Incidentally, why doesn't Edroso get his tubas removed in Cuba, if he likes it so much? Eh?

ONE-LINERS

Norm Geras, the angry man of British blogging, has linked to a poll of top one-liners. They’re good, but only quite good. I would have gone with:

1. The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life.

2. When I was young my Grandmother gave me $5 one day and said, "Don't tell your Mother I gave you this.” I said, “It's gonna cost you more than that.”

3. They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now!

4. -Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
-Winston Churchill: “Get stuffed.”

(Oscar Wilde, Steve Wright, Bob Monkhouse, Winston Churchill)

A WELL-REGULATED MILITIA

"People don't stop killers," writes the Instapundit. "People with guns do."

The idea is that if one of the Virginia Tech students had had a gun with him, he could have come to the rescue like Dick Dauntless, and shot the Korean maniac.

Well that’s true. But what if 300 students had guns, and they were all on the look-out for a student with a gun? I’m failing to see the genius of this plan, though no doubt I’ve overlooked something obvious.

No guns here in Colombia, thank God. In Bogota there is a place called La Piscina, a much-loved local whore-house, run by one of the country’s most respected paramilitary groups. If you go up to the seventh floor you can buy a bazooka, if bazookas are what you require to protect you from the Koreans. Technically it’s against the law, but so are a lot of things.

POUND HITS $2

Back when I started blogging one of the favorite topics of discussion on conservative blogs was the inevitable crash of the euro in favor of the mighty dollar. Most of this had nothing to do with any thought about economics but instead a general association between perceived penis size of your country and the value of its currency (American big and mighty! Europe flaccid and wimpy!)

I remember when you could buy a bag of eels for two farthings.

ADVICE SOUGHT

An email arrives asking where, in my opinion, is the best place in Denver to hide a carcass.

I’m not really the go-to guy on dumping stiffs in Denver. Maybe some of you can help?

KILLER FACT!

The amount of caffeine in coffee decreases the higher it is grown, but the cocaine content of coca increases with altitude.

ANNIVERSARY

Been doing this nonsense for three years now, and where’s it got me? Nowhere. It has simply widened the circle of people who think I’m a dick. That’s all it has achieved.

Here are some of the rave reviews I have received:

“Fuck you, Hutton.”
“I cannot even fathom the fucking depravity of this.”
“You stupid American.”
“Man your ignorant.”

I have also been called a pommy arsehole, a fuckhead, a right-wing eliminationist, a hippy and a Canadian. (“Pommy arsehole” was mighty witty, I’m not denying it, but accusing me of being a Canadian was tasteless and uncalled for. Does it never occur to anyone that I have feelings?)

Tim Worstall started his blog on the same day as this one. He has a lot more readers than I do, but I would remind him that being Britain’s most influential blogger is like being the most influential solver of Rubik’s cubes, or a champion bowler. No one normal gives a toss.

To hell with him.

And sod all the people who come round here leaving comments, trying to cheer everyone up with their wretched jokes and stories. I really hate them, to be honest with you. This one tosser even tried to use my comments section as a place to post his damnable poems, until I enthusiastically deleted them all. I hope he gets hit by a bus.

YES, WE HAVE NO BUZZARDS

Killer Fact! Andrew Jackson personally fought in 103 duels.

I have never fought in a duel, though I’ve been beaten up a few times, if that counts. When I was a teenager this guy told me that if he ever saw me again I’d be “floating face down in the canal.” “There is no canal, ya half-wit,” I thought, but kept it to myself.

I wish I’d known what TV show he got this from. It would have added great interest to the occasion. It would have made as much sense to threaten to leave me for the buzzards. That's because the buzzard nests in moorland and hilly crags, you see. No self-respecting buzzard would show its face in High Wycombe. I don't know if any of this interests you.


John “the buzzard” Prescott, as he isn’t known. For when you examine the facts, what is less like a buzzard than John Prescott?

OPEN LETTER TO PRESIDENT AHMAJINADAD

Just got back from Vegas, baby, what a riot. We were all like frickin wasted at the pool throwing back 40s for breakfast. The place was off the hook with smoking chicks, but there was this like convention in town with like these dicks in suits and shit.

This one dork was bragging about how he’d outperformed the market three years in a row and I’m like that’s nothing I got my bash on last night with this chick with tits out to here.

Then we bust out some deep ball in the parking lot and I took a couple cuts out of the park. Then we get in my buddy’s hummer and we take off down the strip checking all the tight booties, with the super woofers pounding out Verdi’s Requiem.

I was totally wasted.


Todd Mathers

A TRANSPORT DEVICE USED TO MOVE PEOPLE OR GOODS VERTICALLY

The Flying Rodent is having a go at lifts again:

"So what can be done to reinvigorate the Lift? The answer can only come from the Lift itself, and the prognosis is not good - for as long as it continues to serve only those within its cold embrace rather than offering a coherent vision to society, it will remain irrelevant to the majority of humanity."

Sure, it’s easy to sneer at lifts. But he couldn’t be more wrong. Krugman himself praised the Lift as “still the most effective mass-transit system yet devised.”

As the poet Aerosmith put it:

Love in an elevator
Livin' it up when I'm goin' down
Love in an elevator
Lovin' it up 'til I hit the ground... [my italics]

And how true that is. And never more so than today. Those who oppose the Lift will be left behind, in the dustbin of history.

PYONGYANG-ON-TEES

"Talking" CCTV cameras that tell off people dropping litter or committing anti-social behaviour are to be extended to 20 areas across England.

Right, fuck it, time to flee the country. I’m not staying in this stinking place another minute. How do I become an Australian? (Or a Chinaman, I’m not that bothered.)

The talking cameras were first introduced in Middlesbrough, and succeeded in their goal of making life in Middlesbrough even more unpleasant than it already was, so now they are spreading to Reading, Darlington, Blackpool, and several other dog-holes. If you want a vision of the future, imagine a whining stream of orders in a Teeside accent- forever.

Who are these people issuing the orders? If anyone can give me the name and address of one, I’ll follow him around with a bullhorn, yelling impertinent advice in his ear-hole all day. See how he likes it.

I’ll tell you what might work. Instead of badgering everyone from a control centre, they could dress up in nice blue uniforms and go down and stand in the street. We could call them “policemen”.

I eventually decided against signing the John Doe manifesto, on the grounds that I would rather plunge my head into boiling chip fat. It’s based on the idea that to defeat the terrorists, we have to go around with a stupid solemn expression saying, “I am John Doe”.

I am on your street. I am in your subway car. I am on your lift. I am your neighbor. I am your customer. I am your classmate. I am your boss.

I am John Doe.

Fucking bunch of half-wits. Anyway, here’s another one, since the way I figure, the more the manifestos the less terrorism:

I am famous for metaphysical poetry. I was vicar of St. Dunstan's-in-the-West. My works employ paradoxes, puns, and subtle yet remarkable analogies.

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe.

I am John Donne.

Send it to your MP and demand to know what he plans to do about John Donne.

MAN TAKES A CRAP ON OLD GLORY; HAS LIBERALISM GONE TOO FAR?

Malkin is still enraged about the man who wittily had a dung on a burning U.S. flag last week. Sounds like good clean fun to me, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Nor do I understand why she calls the man a 'liberal', as if hippies defecating on flags were John Stuart Mill's idea. Why doesn’t she cheer up?

"The anti-war demonstrators who behaved responsibly this past weekend have an obligation to denounce — and distance themselves from — those protesters who purposefully offend others..."

I’ll do no such thing. It is every Englishman’s dream to fly over London in a hot air balloon with his pasty arse hanging over the side, and take a great big dump on the Houses of Parliament, while singing the Eton Boating Song.

I haven’t done that yet, but that’s not to say that I won’t. It’s just a question of finding the time. There is never enough time.

2007 will be remembered as the year scientists finally unlocked the mystery of how to make fluorescent rabbits. Ever since the first caveman made the first wine cabinet, mankind has dreamed of see-in-the-dark rabbits.

And finally that dream has come true. If only Princess Diana had lived to see this day. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that.


I have seen the future, and it works.

HURRAH!

Matador gets one in the scrotum.

Hardly a month goes by without some new survey showing that the British are the fattest, least-educated, most villainous brutes in the European Union. Teenage pregnancies, heroin addiction, prison overcrowding- we come top in all of them.

But we only came third at binge-drinking. God save the Queen.

I THINK THAT PROSTITUTE SECRETLY DISLIKED ME

Had a bit of a cheese and wine evening the other night for a few friends, only I didn’t have any cheese or wine, or friends. So I had a beer and porridge party on my own. It was a great success.

Later I spent an improving couple of hours in an 'executive bar' of almost the maximum seediness. I was sitting there, minding my own beeswax, when this woman comes up and asks if I want to sleep with her. 'Um, OK,' I said. 'Shall we have a conversation first?'

I thought it was too good to be true, and it was: she was a prostitute (or 'ho', as we say in the Thames Valley). And thinking about it, she’d hardly want to sleep me otherwise, would she? Why, the notion is absurd.

But here’s the twist. She was black, and when I explained to her that I was on an economy drive and that I had changed my mind about knobbing her, she accused me of racial prejudice!

What the hell is wrong with everyone these days? I often think I’m the only sane one left. Mnrragh! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the park to throw golf balls at cyclists.

Is golf a necessary evil, like hos? On second thoughts, forget that. That was a dumb question.

A Belfast man has been bludgeoned to death with a shovel. Why has Blair never been bludgeoned with a shovel? It would do him good.

That’s another of the things that’s wrong with him: he’s afraid to try new things.

KILLER FACT!

The Sun is claiming that Gordon Brown had root canal work done without anaesthetic. He also once sewed his own ear back on following a fight with a bear, and can hold his testes in a naked flame for up to two minutes without flinching, like the assassin in Whoops Apocalypse.

This is the kind of thing you read on the North Korean News Agency. Whether or not any of it is true, the fact that it appeared in the Daily Bastard shows that “treasury sources” believe that people will vote for Brown not because they agree with his economic policies, but because he is an Übermensch or Killer Robot, invulnerable to earthly pain, who shall smiteth our enemies.

The only other person I've heard of having dental work without anaesthetic was Evelyn Waugh*, a madman by almost anyone’s standards.

*Will This Do, page 185.

HEATHROW "GOAT FREE"

Heathrow airport. Jesus, don’t get me started.

For years I’ve been hoping someone would blow it up so that I could run a Suicide Bomber Causes Millions Of Pounds Of Improvements headline.

Apparently there’s an airport in Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea, that is even worse, though I’ve never been there. They allow live goats to wander around the terminals, biting luggage and defecating in the departures lounge, according to a furious man I met in a queue at Heathrow. Whereas BAA have so far resisted pressure from the goat lobby.

Chase me ladies, I'm in the cavalry הדיריב תנייפואמה הלחמ ,סיזורופואיטסואב תולחל הדיריב תנייפואמה הלחמ ,סיזורופואיטסואב תולחל הלולע םישנ שולש לכמ תחא
םימיוסמ םירבש .םייחה תוכיאב תעגופה ,תבאוכו השק הלחמ יהוז .םצעה תופיפצב
.תוומב םייתסהל םילולע ףא
תופורת ,תולחמ ,ןושיע ,ףוג הנבמ ,תינפוג תוליעפ ,ינתא אצומ ,ןימ ,השרות

What's this guy saying about us? It seems to be written in French or something.

People should either speak English, or just shut up.

SAUDI AMERICA

An Arizona man has been sentenced to 200 years in jail for possessing child pornography.

If anything, this sentence isn’t long enough. Had he committed this crime around the time of the Battle of Waterloo, he’d be out in just eight years, to commit more crimes.

I say give him eight hundred, and an ASBO, and when he gets out, boil him.

LUNACY

“Israelis own 10 percent of the privately owned area on the moon, according to Tom Wegner, a spokesman for Crazyshop, a company that sells plots of moon to private individuals in Israel.”

What do they want with a bunch of rocks and craters? I don't know. Maybe they see it as the new Gaza. I have no objection to an Israeli-owned moon, provided they pay for it, and don’t just seize it under the my-Grandad-was-here-2000-years-ago loophole.

I’m still not clear about how the Crazyshop Corporation came to own the moon in the first place, though my research continues.


The moon. Not exactly flowing with milk and honey, though it does have some argon and helium atoms, they say.

LIVE BLOGGING THE OSCARS

3.02pm- Tom Cruise appears on the red carpet, wearing a pair of trousers. He looks pleased with himself.

3.27pm- Everyone is taking photos of some woman. I’m not sure who she is.

9.45pm- George Miller’s Happy Feet beats Cars and Monster House for the animated feature Oscar. What? Who?

10.05pm- Tom Cruise announces the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to Hollywood’s first woman studio boss, Sherry Lansing. I think we can say that I am bored to tears.

10.07pm- Last decent bit of work Cruise did was Top Gun, if you ask me.

10.40pm- Al Gore wins Best Documentary for An Inconvenient Truth. I hope the stupid bastard gets hit by a bus. Why doesn’t he go and live on the Arctic sea ice, if he likes it so much?

11.51pm- Helen Mirren has wins best actress for The Queen. Apparently, it’s based on a true story, like Robocop. Though set in England.

12.01am- Forest Whitaker wins best actor for playing Idi Amin. Now he really was a cunt, even by Tom Cruise's standards.

12.07am- The Departed wins Best Picture. I haven’t seen it, so I don’t give a toss. I thought Blood Diamond was good, though the De Beers Corporation, and Sierra Leone’s Minister of Tourism expressed reservations about the film.

12.40am- End live blogging. Off to Bedfordshire.

LOL, IDIOT

Thirty years from now, humans will show amusement purely by saying "LOL" in a flat monotone while their faces remain completely devoid of mirth.

Stand-up comics will mime shocked faces using O's and colons, drawing "smileys" in the air while the audience drone "LOL, LOL, LOL" at the stage.

By the year 2030, all human beings will be known by their first initial followed by the word "Dogg".

Like 1984, this is not a prophesy, but a terrible warning. Deal with it. (I have recently started telling people to “deal with” stuff. You should try it, it’s absolutely infuriating.)

“I chewed a piece off your phone while you weren’t looking. Deal with it.”

It makes people want to wring your neck.

MELON MAN IN HEADBUTT RECORD

An Australian man has smashed 40 watermelons by bashing his head against them. Apparently, it's how they choose their leaders down there. He now gets to be Senator for Tasmania.

Whether headbutting melons is the best way of appointing the Upper House is arguable, but it is at least transparent compared to the British system of bribery and bishops.

We can learn a lot from these Australians.

BRING ME THE HEAD OF AN ANTI-SMOKING INSPECTOR

“Thousands of anti-smoking inspectors are being trained up at a cost of £30 million ready for July, to be sent out to mingle with carefree pub-goers or diners.”

I am offering a reward of £100 to the first person who punches one of these dreadful people on the nose, or £100 towards their legal costs. This is a genuine offer.

Simply email evidence to harryhutton01 -at- yahoo.com I’ll send you a cheque for one hundred English poundies, or its equivalent in chewing tobacco.

You can also make pledges in the comments. If we can raise a fighting fund of £500,000 we can probably drive many of them into exile, arranging for gangs of hoodlums to break their windows, drag them from their homes and tar and feather them.

HERE IS THE NEWS

-CHINESE MAN TO HANG FOR ANT SCAM. A cheat raised $390 million for a fraudulent scheme to breed "giant ants". He promised investors returns of up to 60%.

-Blair announces this week’s crackdowns on gun crime, louts and hate preachers. Next week’s crackdowns are expected to include freaks, punks, fare-dodgers and skateboards.

-One of Colombia's biggest drug traffickers has handed in 3,300 cows to the government.

MAYBE THEY DID OVERDO IT A BIT

"Study finds death of Anna Nicole Smith consumed 50 per cent of all cable news air time last week. Stick a fork in its ass, this civilization is done."

This does seem excessive for a single big-titted woman. (While millions starve! Myself potentially amongst them, come to think of it.*) On the other hand, if the news were simply a round-up of all the Haitians who died in mudslides on a given day no one would watch it.

*Line from Cara Massimina.

GUIDO FAWKES

"The blogger Guido Fawkes has been "outed" as a man who proposed a link up between the Federation of Conservative Students and the British National Party... in 1986."

Brilliant. You can now be denounced for stuff you said around the time of Police Academy 2. This is the internet at its finest.

At my student union they once had a three-hour debate about a photocopier. After a couple of years of exposure to British students you can really see the point of fascism. So if he did propose an alliance with the Hitler Youth, I can totally understand it.

Though this was in The Guardian, so it may well be untrue.

All students are extremists. I myself was a member of the League of Empire Loyalists and the Ulster Volunteer Force when I was that age. It’s all part of growing up.

(See also: You Fuck One Goat)

IVOR COMPLAINT

Brilliant new web blog in the Bucks Free Press, by Ivor, Voice Of The People. It’s like the Pilgrim’s Progress, but set in Wycombe to make it more accessible to local dunderheads. We follow Ivor’s journey as he makes his way from “the pedestrianised area” (i.e. the Slough of Despond) to “the Parish Church where the busses turn off from Castle Street” (i.e. Mount Zion).

“At lunchtime today the weather was fine but rather cold so a brisk walk around Wycombe town centre seemed like a nice idea.

As I was walking towards the Parish Church, suddenly, a man stumbled and fell over. He picked himself up and turned and looked back at the pavement where he had fallen. Have you seen the state of the pavements in Wycombe?”

Indeed I have. The potholes are a sign of God’s just wrath against the town. It isn’t “urgent pavement repairs” that are needed. It’s Jesus.

KILLER FACT!

Under the goverment's new anti-terrorist super-ASBOs you can be arrested for "eating fruit that hasn’t been washed".

SHAVEN TEENS

That old Magistrate just posted the 129th sonnet, for some reason.

I dunno, I’m no stranger to self-loathing, but I’ve never really experienced that “expense of spirit” feeling, at any rate not from “lust in action”. I doubt if anyone does, in this day and age.

Shakespeare was writing before the communications revolution, of course. I don’t know if you’ve ever spent six hours googling “fat chicks wrestling” or “shaven teens". That’s when you get hit by the whole expense-of-spirit thing.

GENOCIDE NOT MANY LAUGHS

"Daily Darfur is a daily round-up of news stories about the Darfur genocide. It is not intended to be funny."

Figured as much.

KILLER FACT!

The Scots wash less than normal people and many of them reek like badgers, a study has found. On the other hand, all Scotland is washed by the Gulf Stream.

A graffito in East Belfast. This is a loyalist area, according to Ball Bag. The IRA, whatever else one thinks about them, can at least do basic spelling and grammar. And you have to give them credit for that.

Terrorism is bad enough without spelling mistakes to make it worse.

CHAVEZ GIVEN POWER TO RULE BY DECREE

See, the thing is, I just bought a hammock.

When I was ten my father called me into his study one day.

“There are two types of people in this world,” he said. “Those with hammocks, and those without hammocks. I don’t ever want you to be one of those people.”

“Which people?” I asked. "The ones with hammocks, or the ones without hammocks?”

“Get out!” he roared. “You ungrateful young toad. One more peep out of you and I’ll leave your inheritance to the Cat Orphanage.”

The tragedy is that, as the owner of a hammock, I now get even less done than before. Updating this cretinous site, for example, would involve getting out of hammock and schlepping down the road to find an internet. Frankly, the effort/benefit ratio is too high. So sod off.

BOOK REVIEWS

        Good.



       Not good.

ASSISTED SUICIDE

"A man who tried to commit suicide by throwing himself onto the tracks of the Mexico City subway was later beaten to death by police."

KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR RACISTS

“Is that what today's UK is? It's scary. It's quite a shame really.”

Shilpa Shetty, after being shouted at by some British heifer on TV. She seems to be saying that the sub-human cockney women in the Big Brother house are in some way typical of the United Kingdom. As a member of Britain’s white community, I find that quite offensive. Though I’ll probably get over it.

In the day’s other news, the Magna Carta got fucked and buggered again, and a bunch of tribesmen were massacred in Somalia, for some reason.

*Note for American readers: in Britain this week billions were wiped off share values, and there was a nuclear stand-off with India, in the biggest crisis since Suez. To cut a dull story short, a TV company put some stupid people in a house to make a stupid TV show, then everyone complains when they do something stupid. It happens every year.

MAN'S INHUMANITY TO LAWYER

I'm staying with a friend who's a lawyer. 1am and he's still in the office, making money for banks.

I’ll tell you how it is when you’re a City Lawyer. You get to thirty and you think, this mucho sucks, but next year they'll make me a partner, and my salary will quadruple. I’ll do that for a couple of years, then I’ll retire and sit on my boat drinking mint juleps, and sleep with women from countries with a low GDP per capita.

A couple of years later, you look in the mirror and you’re grey around the temples, and you look like crap. But you think, “If I just stick around for a few years more I’ll be making the really big money, and I’ll buy my dream truffle on the Cote D’Azur.”

You carry on like this until you suffer your first heart attack.

MORE FAN MAIL FROM NUTTERS

Hutton,
Irritated to see you and your dickhead readers mouthing off about owls the other day. Just what the hell do you know about it? You some kind of owl expert, cunt?

The internet is full of people like you who know nothing about owls, who have probably never even seen an owl... and yet here you are mouthing off about owls. I’m sick of it.

You’d better run when you see me coming, because I’ll slit your fucking nostrils.

Have a great day.

Yours etc.,


Bill Oddie, ornithologist.

NEWS ROUNDUP

The Brazilian stock market is down sharply, Bush is sending more troops to Iraq, and a giant owl is attacking people in Middlesbrough.

I don’t understand a single thing that’s going on anymore.

KILLER FACT!

Ecstasy and cocaine were invented / first extracted by the Germans. Amphetamines were invented by a Romanian (at a German university), and the Swiss invented LSD.

The Chinese invented whisky, according to a Stephen Fry book I got for Christmas. The British invented football hooliganism and dogging.

A couple of months ago a group of us were hiking in the Australian outback when this twerp from CNN comes up, and starts asking a lot of imbecile questions about “the voices and experiences that shaped your country's rich history.”

So we put on comedy Australian accents and filled his head with a lot of nonsense about wombats and billabongs. “Got any tinnies on ya, ya mongrel? I’m drier than a dingo’s ballbag in this heat.” Etc.

I had forgotten all about the incident, until I found his report on the CNN web page just now:

“Take your togs or cossies, your esky packed with amber fluid and maybe a dog's eye for a snack. Bend the elbow too much? Stop off for a long black, a short black or a flat white to make sure you don't end up a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock.”

I made this up myself. It means nothing in any language.


Australia. These jumping rat things give me the creeps.

Gerald Ford being buried "live". Hanging Saddam Hussein was one thing, but this is going too far.