3.02pm- Tom Cruise appears on the red carpet, wearing a pair of trousers. He looks pleased with himself.
3.27pm- Everyone is taking photos of some woman. I’m not sure who she is.
9.45pm- George Miller’s Happy Feet beats Cars and Monster House for the animated feature Oscar. What? Who?
10.05pm- Tom Cruise announces the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to Hollywood’s first woman studio boss, Sherry Lansing. I think we can say that I am bored to tears.
10.07pm- Last decent bit of work Cruise did was Top Gun, if you ask me.
10.40pm- Al Gore wins Best Documentary for An Inconvenient Truth. I hope the stupid bastard gets hit by a bus. Why doesn’t he go and live on the Arctic sea ice, if he likes it so much?
11.51pm- Helen Mirren has wins best actress for The Queen. Apparently, it’s based on a true story, like Robocop. Though set in England.
12.01am- Forest Whitaker wins best actor for playing Idi Amin. Now he really was a cunt, even by Tom Cruise's standards.
12.07am- The Departed wins Best Picture. I haven’t seen it, so I don’t give a toss. I thought Blood Diamond was good, though the De Beers Corporation, and Sierra Leone’s Minister of Tourism expressed reservations about the film.
12.40am- End live blogging. Off to Bedfordshire.
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