Police are complaining about the large numbers of nuisance calls they receive. Dealing with thick members of the public is diverting resources away from shooting Brazilians and diversity training, they claim. This is my favourite one, but they are all pretty side-splitting.

What is today's date?

There is pole dancing at number 3.

I can't find Homebase and I am very distressed.

Is there a hairdresser's open in Cambridge?

When I phoned them claiming to have my foot stuck inside a pumpkin they told me I was wasting their time, as if the time would otherwise have been spent kicking down doors and arresting terrorists.

I didn’t much care for her snooty tone.