I LOST MY CHERRY TO GOAT WOMAN, CLAIMS PARRIS

We’ll always have Parris. Or will we? Matthew Parris has just married some guy called Julian:

Parris knew that he was homosexual from a young age, but he lost his virginity to a woman. “It could have been a goat as far as I was concerned.”

He argued that at the mid-point of one’s life the understanding dawned that there were only a finite number of Saturdays left. "A marriage can be dissolved. A bachelorhood can be regained. A lost Saturday never can."

With Parris off the market I am now Britain’s 4,876,347th most eligible bachelor.