IT'S A STINKING WORLD

"Where is your usual bonhomie?" writes Tim T. "Crappy new year to you too."

Bonhomie my arse. It’s a stinking world. Christmas is the time for bonhomie and goodwill. New Year is a time to reflect how dismally mean and stupid one’s countrymen are. I was on the National Express yesterday. You would not believe how ugly everyone was.

So don't talk to me about bonhomie.

HAIKU ON ANOTHER WASTED YEAR

Two thousand and five:
The March of Mankind this year
Took place without me.

I feel I could have really achieved something with my life if it weren't for the extraordinary difficulty I have getting out of bed. My New Year wish? That by this time next year our wretched rat-like species will have been wiped out by an asteroid.

Have a miserable 2006. I hope you all rot.

BRRRR

Not much snow in London, avouches the Hungbunny. The thing to remember is that it's still only Thursday in London, whereas here in Somerset it's the Year Of The Cat, and it's snowing like billy-o, snowing on all the living and the dead. I said to my friend Kevin, I said, I'm buggered if I'm going out there, in that. It's snowing outside, and in my heart there is freezing fog. I wish I had a mince pie. Feeling a bit peckish.


Volkswagens sit brooding in the snow. Not going out there, I said, in that.

UPDATE! It has stopped snowing.

TOP TEN WARMONGERS

International armed conflicts, 1946-2003:

UK (21)
France (19)
USA (16)
Russia / Soviet Union (9)
Australia (7)
Netherlands (7)
China (6)
Egypt (6)
Israel (6)
Thailand (6)

Thank God I voted Labour. If it weren't for Bomber Blair -Iraq, Afghanistan, Bosnia and Sierra Leone- we'd have been overtaken by the snail-eaters.

Source: Human Security Report 2005

HOW MANY DIVISIONS HAS EDDIE IZZARD?

Blair visiting troops "to raise morale". What a treat for them! Their little faces must have lit up with Christmas joy.

Would your morale be raised by a visit from that slippery lunatic? They were probably hoping for the Spice Girls, or TV funnyman Eddie Izzard. He packs them off to some pitsville desert to get shot at, then expects them to be pleased to see him. The Prime Minister, that is, not Eddie Izzard.

It probably raised Blair's morale, at least. There are few things he enjoys more than haring around in helicopters, making mad speeches. The big majnoon.

KILLER FACT!

If Mary and Joseph did the same journey today they would pass through fifteen Israeli checkpoints.

NIZLOPI

This year's Christmas number one was JCB by Nizlopi:

"I'm Luke, I'm five, and my dad's Bruce Lee,
He drives me round in his JCB,
And we're holdin' up the bypass,
Weh oh,
Me and my dad havin a top laugh,
Weh oh..."

I couldn't agree more. That's really what it's like out there, on the streets. Finally we have two young artists with the courage to describe Blair's Britain as it really is.


Nizlopi, a popular beat ensemble.

HE WAS A MEAN AND WICKED MAN, FOR HE WAS A LAWYER

It was Christmas Eve and an orphan was lost in the forest. He had trudged for many miles and night was drawing on. The forest was a frightening place. Strange shapes kept appearing out of the gloom. Far away a wolf howled.

Presently, he stumbled upon a forest clearing, where he beheld a cottage. The chimney was smoking and there were lights in the windows. He knocked at the door. A man answered, and regarded the orphan with distaste. He was a mean and wicked man, for he was a lawyer.

“A merry Christmas to you, sir", said the orphan. "Save a poor orphan from the freezing wind." But in his lawyer's heart it was always winter.

"If you don't clear off I shall call the police. I'm very good friends with the Chief Constable," said the lawyer. And so he was, for they were both masons.

"But sir, 'tis Christmas Eve and I am lost in the forest without food or shelter."

At these words the lawyer slammed the door in his face.

"What man was that," asked his wife, "who came a-knocking on this cruel winter's night?"

"Stinking carol singers", said the lawyer.

"But it’s fifteen miles to the village, and the snow is two feet deep. What can they be doing in the middle of the forest on such a night as this?"

"Oh, who gives a toss?" said the lawyer, and returned to counting his loot.

Next day, throughout the kingdom, the nation's lawyers carved their Christmas geese, and sipped sherry by their fires. But there was no sherry in the workhouses that Christmas. There the poor and destitute wrapped themselves in blankets, and chewed at meagre hunks of bread.

And the snow fell softly upon the grave of the unknown orphan.

TO: The Australian Broadcasting Corporation

Dear Sir or Sheila,
Got a great idea for a screenplay, set against the background of the racial violence in Sydney. It's about a Lebanese teenager in Cronulla. His folks want him to be a suicide bomber, but he just wants to surf. He's getting hassle from the pigs, and his girl, she just don't understand.

But help is at hand! From the dolphins!

I've already got Omar Sharif as the Lebanese kid. The dolphins are played by Eminem.

What do you reckon? Let's make screenplays!


The Australian Broadcasting Corporation replies:

Hi Harry, thank you for your inquiry.

Unfortunately all outlines or scripts for drama or narrative comedy projects must be submitted through a producer/production company or recognised agent. Please contact the Drama Department if you require any further information ph 02 8333 3024.

Thank you for contacting the ABC.

--------------------------------------------
Rachel Sinclair
Development Coordinator
ABC TV

I guess I'll contact the Drama Department, then.

ANNOUNCEMENT

To help raise moral standards I have removed the photo of Germaine Greer's orifice from the front page. It can now be found here. Please do not view the gusset if you are a miner, or if your religion regards Germaine Greer's bits as an abomination.

I just want things to be decent.

A MILESTONE ON THE ROAD TO PEACE

To: The Israeli Embassy, London

Dear Sir,
I represent the Student Union of the University of Sheffield. We recently took the decision to recongise the State of Israel, following an acrimonious debate. Please inform the Ambassador of our decision.

What is the next step? When would be a good time to meet His Excellency for photographs?

A thousand shaloms.

Yours faithfully,

Harry Hutton


From: The Israeli Embassy - Director Public Affairs

Dear Harry,
Thanks for your email. That’s great news... we were recognized at last. I was in Sheffield twice last year - did we meet? Maybe we should organise a talk at the student Union this year again.

Dan Shaham
Director of Public affairs

WHAT A CUNT!

Just voted for Sir Ian Blair in the Cunt Of The Year Awards. Never even heard of those other cunts.

And it seems I came twelfth in the "Best of the Top 251-500 Blogs" awards. Praise doesn't come much fainter than this. Even in the top ten, most of the contestants are simply too boring to read. I could write better posts than that even if I were half asleep after eating a giant ham.


Giant hams recently. Wouldn't want to meet one of those on a dark night.

"If Australia had been colonised by any other nation but the British, it would be less racist," writes Germaine Greer in The Guardian.

It’s all very well saying that you are opposed to racial hatred, but what are you in favour of? What do you propose to replace it with- herbal tea? That’s the left’s answer to everything, and it simply doesn't work. Just look at Cuba.


Germaine Greer, in younger and happier days.

GOOD

Canadian mob boss Conrad Black to go on trial next March. Hollinger executives all howling like canaries. Gangster's moll Barbara Amiel could face the chair.

Mark Steyn is singing with the fishes.

WELCOME

Welcome to Venezuela, and have a nice... arraagh!

Killer Fact! 68.7% of visitors to Caracas are dragged from their taxis and scalped within 3 miles of the airport perimeter. Gotta say, though, I lived there for two years and no one stole so much as a tea bag from me; whereas in England scarcely a day goes by when one doesn't get burgled, mugged or punched on the ear.

DRUNKENNESS AND HOOLIGANISM HAVE NO PLACE IN AUSTRALIA

What on earth is going on in Sydney? One looks to Australians to set a good example, not brawl in the streets like huns and visigoths. I was sorely disappointed.

My nephew Kevin is reading Australian Studies at the University of Dundee: he is an expert on Australian culture. I called to ask him about root causes. He said that people who prefer Dani Minogue to her sister Kylie will be left behind, in the dustbin of history. I don't know what he's talking about.

COLOMBIAN GIRL SANTAS

Trade ministers are gathering in Hong Kong for a crucial round of talks aimed at liberalising free trade. Who gives a toss, right? Here are some Colombian girl santas.



Met them in a supermarket in Medellin. To an economist, of course, such santas are non-tradeable goods and services, hence arbitrage not possible. Otherwise our inefficient domestic santas would quickly go the way of the red squirrel.

SCOTTISH MORONS

Glasgow survival. Go to where it says toys, and see if you can survive an encounter with the Scottish moron.

DECORATIONS A PAIN IN THE HOLE, CLAIMS LEADING INTELLECTUAL

"Putting decorations up is a pain in the fucking hole, so if I am going to do it, they must remain up for a reasonable length of time," argues Ball Bag, taking on the decorations cartels and Big Media. Read the whole thing, if you have nothing more pressing to do.

(Not suitable for miners.)

SOME VILLAIN HATH DONE ME WRONG

I am so fucking angry. I'm in this hostel for gits, and every time I want to publish my wise thoughts the computers are all taken by stupid people, sending emails to their stupid friends. "weather is great LOL, how is dave?" Idiots.

Those stinking backpackers stole my towel. First they came for my socks, but, because I was not a sock, I did nothing. Then my towel was hanging up to dry and someone made off with it, like a low Turk. My favourite towel, with leopards on it. I gave a description to the cops. We just have a couple of hundred homicides to deal with, then we'll get onto it, they sneered. They probably thought it was some kind of insurance scam.

I'm in Medellin. Murders have in fact fallen from 3,450 in 2002, to a mere 812 this year, which is more than the whole UK, but is still safer than going over the Niagara Falls in a barrel. That's the way I look at it.


Idiot

A BUNCH OF MIDGETS FIGHT OVER BUGGER ALL

Some guy was saying that people with weblogs are Rousseaus of the gutter. Is that supposed to be an insult? If anyone called me a Rousseau of the gutter I would challenge him to a duel.

What is a weblog?

-"An online journal comprised of links and postings in reverse chronological order." (Dan Gilmour)

-"Some cunt linking to some other cunt." (H.Hutton)

-"A bunch of midgets fighting over bugger all." (John Band)

-"Rousseaus of the gutter." (NoelNatter)

THE LAW OF ENGLAND ALLOWS ME TO BLUDGEON MOLES

Letter to Paul Goodman, MP for Wycombe:
Dear Sir,
I have a legal question about moles. As you are no doubt aware, many of them dig tunnels hundreds of miles long. It is almost the only thing they are any good at. It is possible -indeed, it is likely- that many such tunnels cross constituency boundaries.

It could be that, even as we speak, moles are crossing from your constituency to Labour boroughs, or vice versa. As beasts, that is their privilege.

And if I have a mole in my garden, I am quite within my rights to bash its nasty snout with a shovel. As your constituent, that is my right. The law is quite clear on that.

But what if a mole is also resident in Reading East, where Labour won? Is it your mole, and therefore a legitimate target, or an outside mole? Does its status change as it crosses the border, sneaking through the earth to its frightful dens? Or are there other factors that might nullify these calculations?

My friend Clive, whose uncle is a lawyer, says that technically all burrowing rodents belong to the Queen. I am not convinced that this is the case.

When would be a good time to discuss moles with you? I could come to the Houses of Parliament next week if that is convenient.

Yours faithfully,

H. Hutton


Goodman replies:



This guy seems a bit over-intelligent to be representing the people of Wycombe. A truly representative MP would be a villainous stuttering imbecile. I’m away at the moment, but if you have the misfortune to live in Wycombe and would like to go round to his office and wind him up, that would be a good use of a winter morning. I’ll email you some mole questions to tax him with.

TWELVE YEARS AGO

The major grabbed a radio and spoke directly to Colonel Martinez. "Viva Colombia. We have just killed Pablo Escobar."

MANY OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE BISHOPS

The new Archbish of York, our first black Archbishop. (Rowan Williams is our 201st white one.) I made a joke earlier about a Yorkshire Moor, but no one laughed. Pearls before swine, as the Bish would say. We’re not too big in pearls here in Wycombe, but there’s certainly no shortage of swine.

Most Church of England bishops are only in it for the money, but this guy actually seems to be religious. Said he was looking forward to “spreading the Christian message”. I hope he doesn’t turn out to be some kind of closet Jesus-freak.

KILLER FACT!

The annual execution rate for prisoners on death row in the US is 2%. The death rate for street-level drug sellers is 7%, so they would be safer on death row.

IS IT WRONG TO EXECUTE AUSTRALIANS?

“It's very much an individual choice I think, whether one executes.” (Peter Cook)

They are hanging Nguyen Tuong Van in the morning. I am not myself in favour of hanging Australians. I’m in favour of beheading them, but hanging is oafish. The government of Singapore has come in for a lot of criticism for this unpleasant fetish of theirs; but as long as they are sure, beyond all reasonable doubt, that he is Australian... As David C says in the comments, which of us can honestly put his hand on his heart and say that we haven’t at some time wanted to hang an Aussie? I know I have.

Let he who is without motes in his eye cast the first beam.

I don’t know why the government of Australia doesn’t string up a couple of Singaporeans in retaliation. That’s what I would do. It’s idiotic, but sometimes idiocy is all we have left.

KILLER FACT!

Among Hispanic immigrants in the United States Colombians are the best educated, followed by Cubans. Other Latin immigrants are almost as dumb as the natives, unfortunately.

Most educated of all are the Indians.

SILENCE!

Silences to be observed by UK citizens during the week beginning Nov 28th:

Monday- 10am: Tsunami victims (2 minute silence); 3pm: Ronnie Barker (1 min)
Tuesday- 11am: Gianni Versace (3 mins): 2 pm: Armenian Genocide (1 min)
Wednesday- 10am: African children, dysentery (1 min); 3pm: Enron shareholders (1 min)
HIV Thursday- 11am: landmine victims (1 min); 3pm: River Phoenix (2 mins)
Friday- 11am: Srebrenica massacre (1 min); 3pm: Paula Yates (cancelled)
Saturday- 11am: SARS (1 min); Robin Cook (4 mins)

Sunday will be left open for any bloodbaths and earthquakes that may arise during the week. Failure to observe silences will result in an on-the-spot fine. Thank you for your co-operation.

VOTE NOW

Are you a Trotskyite, a Ba'athist or a Dixiecrat? Have your say. Take part in Bogol's cretinous online poll.

ONE OF THEM

I thought Brownie of Harry's Place was one of us. He turns out to be... one of them.

"You can keep your Chopin, Sistine Chapel and Da Vinci sketches. If I want to see a real artist at work, I’ll put on a video and watch George Best drop a shoulder as he rounds the Benfica goalkeeper in 1968... God used to think he was omnipotent, then at 3 o-clock on November 25th 2005, he saw George Best doing keepie-up in Paradise."

I suppose this kind of thing is very moving if you’re from the north, or somewhere like that. On eBay they are auctioning an empty bottle of Château Haut Brion Pessac-Léognan 1982 that Best once poured over his dick to celebrate his hat-trick against West Ham. (Actually, it was Miss Canada who did the pouring; but at Best's behest.)

Best was also one of them. In fact, it wouldn't be much of an exaggeration to say that George Best, Miss Canada and Brownie of Harry's Place were three of them.

A DRINKER WITH A FOOTBALLING PROBLEM

George Best, the bon vivant, has died. He would generally start the day with kippers and a pint of Scotch. During the morning he would drink three or four pints of beer. He would have a bottle of wine with his lunch, then a quart of ale to tide him through the afternoon. After dinner he would drink a bottle of champagne, then half a bottle of Scotch before bed. And, would you believe it, he's dead.

If you ask me, he was in danger of becoming an alcoholic.

Now that we’ve finally got rid of the tiresome sod there’s going to be a big outbreak of weeping northerners, bless their warm little hearts. Mercifully, it will probably take the form of standing in silence with a stupid solemn expression, wiping away a manly tear, rather than all-out Liverpudlian-style blubbering. I’d love to tell you some anecdotes about how I used to stand on the terraces wi’ me old Dad, eatin’ pies; but I’m afraid I don’t have any.

I will say this for George Best: though in many ways a nuisance, he was charm itself compared to the rapists, coke-heads and wife-beaters who followed.

KILLER FACT!

35 per cent of MIT undergraduates are Asians.

I LIKE BOYS OF MIXED RACE, SLOBBERS REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR

"After watching the mulattoes shake it I can understand why Brazil is totally devoted to my favorite body part, the ass," said Arnold [Schwarzenegger].

In Brazil a mulato is a boy or man of mixed race. And, as luck would have it, many of the girls of mixed race (mulatas) also turn out, on closer inspection, to be boys of mixed race. Schwarzenegger is Austrian, of course.

Discovering that your new girlfriend has a dick could ruin the whole holiday, if you were square about it. But my view has always been that you win some and you lose some, and you should try to be gracious about it. Almost any perversion, however sickening, is good for a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon, or a weekend in Rio (or France). As long as you don’t go on and on about it, or structure your whole lifestyle around forcing falafel up your rear-loader, to take an example at random, I say it’s all good; get stuck in. I would draw the line at dogging, however.

What the Governor of California gets up to in the privacy of Club Oba Oba is perfectly vile. But as long as it isn’t a drain on the public purse, that is no concern of mine.

He’s my kind of Republican.

EVERYONE LOVES A CANNIBAL

"Everyone loves a cannibal – at a safe distance, of course." (Anthony Daniels)

"There is no life without a double life. And yet one grows weary." (Tim Parks)

"Tue, 12 Apr
Few things warm the heart so much as the death of a dog." (Hemlock)

Some opening lines I have come across recently.

UPDATE! As a dog lover, I would like to distance myself from that last one. But change dog to doggone tennis player and I would run it up the flagpole and salute. Tennis players contribute nothing to the planet and should be exterminated, in my opinion. All they do is mince around making retarded remarks such as “thirty-love”, wasting everyone’s time and acting like they own the place. I really hate them, to be honest with you.

There are two things in this world I will not tolerate: tennis players, and the people who hide them.

SEE ALSO:

QANTAS: it's Australian for dingo's excrement

and

The London Underground Song

MAKING THE BEST OF A BAD DO

2005: Blogged is in the shops. I went to a book-signing session this afternoon at Waterstones in the Charing Cross Road. They didn’t have it, but I managed to write my name in sixteen copies of Krugman’s The Great Unravelling before I got slung out.

BRITISH AIRWAYS- I’LL SHOW THOSE FUCKS

Going on a trip? Don’t forget to take some cigarette butts in your hand luggage. Leave them lying around the plane, it really pisses them off. They can’t work out why their nerdish smoke detectors aren’t working, and the look on their miserable faces sends my pleasure sensors soaring. I’ll show those fucks.



One time on BA this twerp came on the intercom to denounce me. He was all, “One of you filthy animals in Economy was smoking. We know who you are, please don’t fly again with British Airways.” But he didn’t know who I was, for once again I had outwitted them. One day I’m going to sneak on board with a jar of bees. Hopefully they'll swarm up to Business Class and sting everyone to buggery. It will be the last thing they're expecting.

No one likes airlines. You could be a surgeon or a Crown Court judge, but the moment you set foot in an airport you’ll be treated like a mutinous ten-year old on a school outing. The pre-flight nagging now goes on for twenty minutes. “For your comfort and safety, and the safety of other passengers, we would ask that you chew your complimentary peanuts eight times before swallowing, with your seatbelt fastened.” Shut it, you whore, before I wring your neck. Contrary to your ludicrous claims, it is not possible to bring down a Boeing 747 with a Marlborough Light. Believe me, I’ve tried. And could you ask that pilot to shut his cake hole? He’s been badgering us for about five minutes now with his wretched droning, and if I’m exposed to much more of it I’m going to bite someone.

Who does he think he is?

LINKS

-Urban 75

-Prison facts

-50 Cent and Tim Worstall both have books out.

BERKSHIRE, HOME OF THE MORON

Open letter to Rob Wilson MP, Member of Parliament for Reading East:

Dear Sir,
I was in your constituency last week and it was a right dump. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Only a poltroon would represent such a place.

My friend Kevin says that Reading was on our side during the war. This is a preposterous argument. The war ended over a hundred years ago. You can’t keep blaming the Germans every time something goes wrong. The world has moved on. Wake up!

And who is that retard with the stick who’s always banging on bins and howling in the shopping precinct? Is he a relation of yours? Why can’t you do something about him? He’s a flaming idiot. So is everyone else in your festering town, come to think of it. What a dog hole.

Yours faithfully,



Harry Hutton (tax-payer)

KILLER FACT!

Americans are getting thinner, reversing a decades-long trend. In 2002, 64% of the population were porkers*. But this has now plunged to 62%, and is continuing to fall, leading to fears that the Evil Bush is starving everyone to death. Only two years ago fatness pundits were predicting that the American arse would keep expanding to infinity.

The Chinese, meanwhile, continue to get richer and fatter.

*This is why they are known as “the masses”.

HITCHENS

Mad dog Hitchens at the Christian Family Research Council.



That’s virgin on the ridiculous. Or, at least, virgins next to the ridiculous.

THE TERRORISTS IN CLOSETS ARE COMING HOME TO ROOST

Email to the Scottish National Party:
Sir, I was disappointed to see you voting against the terror bill. Why would the police arrest someone if he wasn’t a terrorist? You don’t seem to have thought this through.

For the terrorists who threaten our way of life, ninety days isn't long enough. It should be ninety months. It’s idiotic, but idiocy in the defence of freedom is no vice. If it saves just one child's life it will be worth it. What about ordinary hard-working families? Who speaks for them?

I personally can’t stand ordinary hard-working families. But you are supposed to be looking out for them.

The terrorists in closets are coming home to roost.



The Scottish National Party replies:
MPs did not vote against the terror bill - they only voted against one part of it. The issue at stake was not whether the police should be allowed to arrest people because they believe them to be terrorists, it was about whether the law should be changed to allow people to be held without charge for up to 90 days. No evidence was put forward by the government to support this proposal, and that is why the majority of MPs votes against it.

The SNP had further concerns about this proposal because the government ignored the fact that Scotland has a separate legal system and did not consult the senior law officer in Scotland to establish whether their plans were were legal under Scots law.

In those circumstances I hope you can understand that the SNP had no option but to vote as we did.

Regards

Mhairi Hunter
SNP Policy Unit



To: the Scottish National Party
Thank you very much. That’s a weight off my mind.
God be wi' ye.

London- I often see Peter Hitchens cycling down my street, on his way to the Daily Mail. Next time he goes past my gate I’m going to heave half a brick at him, and he’ll be able to write an article about declining moral values.

KILLER FACT!

From the financial markets, a basket of barrels this week:

Barrel of crude- $59
Barrel of Evian water- $500
Barrel of orange juice (London prices)- $927
Barrel of dogs*- $1,342
Barrel of Hewlett-Packard printer ink- $470,638

*Assuming 18 litre dogs, priced at $38 a paw. Our allies consider it good sport to shoot the poor beasts. That's so easy it's like shooting dogs in a barrel, they say. Which just shows the total hypocrisy of the Bush regime: they lecture the rest of us on human rights, then roar with sadistic laughter as they shoot dogs in barrels.


UPDATE! An email arrives:

Dear Limey Asshole,
We Americans do shoot dogs, so that, in their absence, we can enjoy the finer things in life. And after a hard day’s bombing stuff and gunning down defenceless hounds, we like nothing better than to unwind with a big ole cigar and a barrel of Hewlett-Packard printer ink.

Try the 85, if you get the chance. Undertones of oak perfectly complement the lead chromate.

Have a great day, ya hear!

HA HA!

Throw him in the Thames, the wanker.

UPDATE! Then run him out of town like a common pygmy.

KILLER FACT!

If you appeared before magistrates in 2004 you had a 4% chance of getting jailed per court appearance (more, if you done it.) Summary motoring offences make up 50% of total court proceedings in the UK. The average magistrate is 57 years old and sent six and half people to jail last year. 93.3% of magistrates are white.

Nothing wrong with that, of course. Many of my best friends are whites.

A TURRET OF ONE'S OWN

For some reason, Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmood Abbas (a.k.a. Abu Mazen) has a big Star of David in front of his house. This is Al-Rimal, Gaza City’s most exclusive neighbourhood, the Kensington of the Gaza Strip. The building on the right of the photo is Abu Mazen’s pad, commanding great views of some dust.

I don’t know how the Star of David came to be there. There’s another one in Rafah camp, supposedly a “Hamas stronghold”. No one seems to mind.

Nor could I ever discover who lives in that mock turret thing next door to Abu Mazen. Even P. Diddy would regard such a building as being in questionable taste.

I would love to have my own turret, though.



UPDATE! Eagle-eyed readers have spotted that this post is complete bilge. That’s not a Star of Dave, but some other kind of star.

Apologies to Dave for any distress this caused.

KILLER FACT!

Arson attacks in France increased by 2,500% between 1993 and 2000. And cases of arson in Britain rose 200,000% during the 20th century.

The West is losing the War on Arson, along with the War on Drugs, the War on Terror, the War on Fare Dodgers, and some other wars I don’t remember right now. Is it time to consider decriminalisation? Making it illegal just drives it underground and gives it a false glamour, like filleting haddock on a wooden surface*. If burning stuff down were legal it could be taxed and controlled, as in Holland. There was a most interesting piece about it in The Economist.

*Banned by the 1990 Food Safety Act, since when cases of food poisoning have obviously rocketed.

THIS COUNTRY'S REALLY GONE TO HELL SINCE WE STOPPED BURNING PAPISTS

Four hundred years ago today a bunch of religious headbangers tried to blow up London. How times have changed.

Killer Fact! Five of the gunpowder plotters were blood relations of William Shakespeare. And Macbeth is full of refererences to the fifth of November. Shakespeare also wrote these lines, as a warning to children on Bonfire Night:

The boy stood on the burning deck,
His pocket full of crackers,
One fell down between his legs,
And blew off both his knackers.

DOM JOLY DIPLOMACY

On August 15th, in the Poliedro de Caracas, Chavez said he was going to sneak up behind Bush and shout "Boo!" in his ear hole, at the Summit of the Americas. He hasn't done yet, but he might, and if he does it will be the first time in history that someone has shouted boo into the ear hole of a sitting US President.

It's an unorthodox way of conducting diplomacy, but I'm sure Bush will see the joke.


High-spirited crowds turn out to greet Bush.

UPDATE! Seriously, he really did say that. Though it wasn't exactly "Boo!" It was more sort of "Wah!" But there's no point quibbling: it's extremely good in either version. I doubt if Bush has ever said anything that witty.

I've never really watched EastEnders. Which one's "Dirty Den"?

NEWS!

-Arlington’s clowan story has ended. "Barely even gibberish, obviously the work of a lunatic." (The Evening Standard.) But forward it to twenty of your friends and you will have luck in the New Year.

-Could Gonzales tell us more? Greg Sargent ponders a legal but pie-in-the-sky scenario for the Fitzgerald investigation.

What? Who? Every tiresome pipsqueak with a website is mouthing off about some boring scandal in America. As far as I can make out, all that happened was that some slippery fellows in suits committed perjury, obstructed justice, sold rifles to the Apaches, etc. There’s the usual ham-fisted thuggery and Clouseau-like bungling from the Bush administration, but no love triangles, no falafel, no bawdy amusement of any kind. I filed it under important, but not to me.

-And speaking of bawdy amusement, our fun-loving Minister of Pensions has resigned again. Mad Dog Blair made some speech.

-Rebekah Wade is a slapper.

KILLER FACT!

Jesuits were banned in Switzerland until 1973.

KILLER FACT!

Canada is the world's biggest exporter of zinc.

YORKSHIRE YAHOOS

Sir, I admit your general rule,
That every poet is a fool.
But you yourself may serve to show it,
Every fool is not a poet.
(Alexander Pope)

Why did Sheffield University* put a 30ft-high Jarvis Cocker poem on the side of their new campus? Occam's Razor: they're a-holes.

*formerly Visigoth Polytechnic.

WASTE OF TIME

This is good. I can no more stop playing it than I can stop eating these Pringles, now that the packet is opened. Time meanwhile flies, never to return. (Virgil)

Via Brian Micklethwait.

UPDATE! My top score today is 1,858, whereas yesterday I got more than 2,000. There are three activities where you don't improve with practice: this game; watching telelvision; and wanking.

THE ECONOMICS OF THE STOOPID

"It takes brains not to make money," Colonel Cargill wrote... "Any fool can make money these days and most of them do. But what about people with talent and brains? Name, for example, one poet who makes money." (From Catch 22)

Killer Fact! Arizona is the stupidest state in the whole United States -quite an achievement given what the rest of the country is like- yet last year their economy grew by 7.1%, second only to Nevada, the fourth stupidest place. Florida, California, Arkansas and Idaho were also in the top quintile for growth, yet near the bottom for education. In the tiger economies of the 21st century the workers will barely be able to count their own ears. Meanwhile the Germans, who tried to cheat by having an educated workforce, lurch from crisis to crisis.



A glance at the Sunday Times Rich List tells the same story:

Richard Branson (£2.6 billion)- left school at 15
Bernie Ecclestone (£2.3 billion)- left school at 16
Eddie Healey, kitchens supremo (£1.3 billion)- left school at 16.
Duke of Westminster (£5 billion)- couldn't even get into agricultural college
Lord Cadogan (£1.5 billion)- raised by bears

Philip Green, who left school at 15, last week awarded himself a £1.2 billion dividend. But is he happy? As a matter of fact, he is. He's fucking delirious.

As far as I can tell, Lord Sainsbury is the only educated person in the top twenty, not counting foreigners. Whereas I, with my Oxbridge degree (Women's Studies with Forestry), have no money at all. See what I mean?

UPDATE! Did I say Oxbridge? I meant Uxbridge.

LONDON- THE SOONER THEY BLOW IT UP, THE BETTER

As you know, I recently went to South America to find myself. I needn’t have bothered- I was in Bayswater all the time. I pulled back the duvet this morning and there I was, in person. This bed has squeaky springs, and reading the Spectator sounds like vigorous masturbation. How ironic.

Just got charged £3.35 for the breakfast orange juice. Why? Because I’m in London, and that’s what squeezed fruit costs in this stinking town. There’s no economic theory to explain it, other than the theory that the inhabitants are grasping thieving swine. It needs no Keynes to tell us this. The city’s economy is based on financial services, and cheating tourists out of their loose change. The sooner they blow it up the better, in my opinion. I like those funny “red buses” though.


“Domine dirige nos.” The city’s motto. It’s Latin for “Think of a sensible price and then treble it.”

ATTU

I found that last site via the self-styled Attu. Please to visit him.

This post is dedicated to the 9.3 million Americans who got bitten by ants last year. Please, a moment's silence.

I have just one criticism of andrewsullivan.com: it's kind of lousy. Despite this flaw, it turns out to be worth $2,092,185.24, enough to buy $2,092,185.24 worth of Tony Parsons novels at the current exchange rate. Great thundering Jesus, that's enough copies of Man and Boy to take out Baghdad! If he doesn't want to read them -and I wouldn't blame him if he didn't- he could invest his Parsons novels in the stock market, and watch them grow.

My site is completely worthless.