Letter to Paul Goodman, MP for Wycombe:
Dear Sir,
I have a legal question about moles. As you are no doubt aware, many of them dig tunnels hundreds of miles long. It is almost the only thing they are any good at. It is possible -indeed, it is likely- that many such tunnels cross constituency boundaries.
It could be that, even as we speak, moles are crossing from your constituency to Labour boroughs, or vice versa. As beasts, that is their privilege.
And if I have a mole in my garden, I am quite within my rights to bash its nasty snout with a shovel. As your constituent, that is my right. The law is quite clear on that.
But what if a mole is also resident in Reading East, where Labour won? Is it your mole, and therefore a legitimate target, or an outside mole? Does its status change as it crosses the border, sneaking through the earth to its frightful dens? Or are there other factors that might nullify these calculations?
My friend Clive, whose uncle is a lawyer, says that technically all burrowing rodents belong to the Queen. I am not convinced that this is the case.
When would be a good time to discuss moles with you? I could come to the Houses of Parliament next week if that is convenient.
Yours faithfully,
H. Hutton
Goodman replies:
This guy seems a bit over-intelligent to be representing the people of Wycombe. A truly representative MP would be a villainous stuttering imbecile. I’m away at the moment, but if you have the misfortune to live in Wycombe and would like to go round to his office and wind him up, that would be a good use of a winter morning. I’ll email you some mole questions to tax him with.
