LIVE BLOGGING THE OSCARS

3.02pm- Tom Cruise appears on the red carpet, wearing a pair of trousers. He looks pleased with himself.

3.27pm- Everyone is taking photos of some woman. I’m not sure who she is.

9.45pm- George Miller’s Happy Feet beats Cars and Monster House for the animated feature Oscar. What? Who?

10.05pm- Tom Cruise announces the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to Hollywood’s first woman studio boss, Sherry Lansing. I think we can say that I am bored to tears.

10.07pm- Last decent bit of work Cruise did was Top Gun, if you ask me.

10.40pm- Al Gore wins Best Documentary for An Inconvenient Truth. I hope the stupid bastard gets hit by a bus. Why doesn’t he go and live on the Arctic sea ice, if he likes it so much?

11.51pm- Helen Mirren has wins best actress for The Queen. Apparently, it’s based on a true story, like Robocop. Though set in England.

12.01am- Forest Whitaker wins best actor for playing Idi Amin. Now he really was a cunt, even by Tom Cruise's standards.

12.07am- The Departed wins Best Picture. I haven’t seen it, so I don’t give a toss. I thought Blood Diamond was good, though the De Beers Corporation, and Sierra Leone’s Minister of Tourism expressed reservations about the film.

12.40am- End live blogging. Off to Bedfordshire.

LOL, IDIOT

Thirty years from now, humans will show amusement purely by saying "LOL" in a flat monotone while their faces remain completely devoid of mirth.

Stand-up comics will mime shocked faces using O's and colons, drawing "smileys" in the air while the audience drone "LOL, LOL, LOL" at the stage.

By the year 2030, all human beings will be known by their first initial followed by the word "Dogg".

Like 1984, this is not a prophesy, but a terrible warning. Deal with it. (I have recently started telling people to “deal with” stuff. You should try it, it’s absolutely infuriating.)

“I chewed a piece off your phone while you weren’t looking. Deal with it.”

It makes people want to wring your neck.

MELON MAN IN HEADBUTT RECORD

An Australian man has smashed 40 watermelons by bashing his head against them. Apparently, it's how they choose their leaders down there. He now gets to be Senator for Tasmania.

Whether headbutting melons is the best way of appointing the Upper House is arguable, but it is at least transparent compared to the British system of bribery and bishops.

We can learn a lot from these Australians.

BRING ME THE HEAD OF AN ANTI-SMOKING INSPECTOR

“Thousands of anti-smoking inspectors are being trained up at a cost of £30 million ready for July, to be sent out to mingle with carefree pub-goers or diners.”

I am offering a reward of £100 to the first person who punches one of these dreadful people on the nose, or £100 towards their legal costs. This is a genuine offer.

Simply email evidence to harryhutton01 -at- yahoo.com I’ll send you a cheque for one hundred English poundies, or its equivalent in chewing tobacco.

You can also make pledges in the comments. If we can raise a fighting fund of £500,000 we can probably drive many of them into exile, arranging for gangs of hoodlums to break their windows, drag them from their homes and tar and feather them.

HERE IS THE NEWS

-CHINESE MAN TO HANG FOR ANT SCAM. A cheat raised $390 million for a fraudulent scheme to breed "giant ants". He promised investors returns of up to 60%.

-Blair announces this week’s crackdowns on gun crime, louts and hate preachers. Next week’s crackdowns are expected to include freaks, punks, fare-dodgers and skateboards.

-One of Colombia's biggest drug traffickers has handed in 3,300 cows to the government.

MAYBE THEY DID OVERDO IT A BIT

"Study finds death of Anna Nicole Smith consumed 50 per cent of all cable news air time last week. Stick a fork in its ass, this civilization is done."

This does seem excessive for a single big-titted woman. (While millions starve! Myself potentially amongst them, come to think of it.*) On the other hand, if the news were simply a round-up of all the Haitians who died in mudslides on a given day no one would watch it.

*Line from Cara Massimina.

GUIDO FAWKES

"The blogger Guido Fawkes has been "outed" as a man who proposed a link up between the Federation of Conservative Students and the British National Party... in 1986."

Brilliant. You can now be denounced for stuff you said around the time of Police Academy 2. This is the internet at its finest.

At my student union they once had a three-hour debate about a photocopier. After a couple of years of exposure to British students you can really see the point of fascism. So if he did propose an alliance with the Hitler Youth, I can totally understand it.

Though this was in The Guardian, so it may well be untrue.

All students are extremists. I myself was a member of the League of Empire Loyalists and the Ulster Volunteer Force when I was that age. It’s all part of growing up.

(See also: You Fuck One Goat)

IVOR COMPLAINT

Brilliant new web blog in the Bucks Free Press, by Ivor, Voice Of The People. It’s like the Pilgrim’s Progress, but set in Wycombe to make it more accessible to local dunderheads. We follow Ivor’s journey as he makes his way from “the pedestrianised area” (i.e. the Slough of Despond) to “the Parish Church where the busses turn off from Castle Street” (i.e. Mount Zion).

“At lunchtime today the weather was fine but rather cold so a brisk walk around Wycombe town centre seemed like a nice idea.

As I was walking towards the Parish Church, suddenly, a man stumbled and fell over. He picked himself up and turned and looked back at the pavement where he had fallen. Have you seen the state of the pavements in Wycombe?”

Indeed I have. The potholes are a sign of God’s just wrath against the town. It isn’t “urgent pavement repairs” that are needed. It’s Jesus.

KILLER FACT!

Under the goverment's new anti-terrorist super-ASBOs you can be arrested for "eating fruit that hasn’t been washed".

SHAVEN TEENS

That old Magistrate just posted the 129th sonnet, for some reason.

I dunno, I’m no stranger to self-loathing, but I’ve never really experienced that “expense of spirit” feeling, at any rate not from “lust in action”. I doubt if anyone does, in this day and age.

Shakespeare was writing before the communications revolution, of course. I don’t know if you’ve ever spent six hours googling “fat chicks wrestling” or “shaven teens". That’s when you get hit by the whole expense-of-spirit thing.

GENOCIDE NOT MANY LAUGHS

"Daily Darfur is a daily round-up of news stories about the Darfur genocide. It is not intended to be funny."

Figured as much.

KILLER FACT!

The Scots wash less than normal people and many of them reek like badgers, a study has found. On the other hand, all Scotland is washed by the Gulf Stream.

A graffito in East Belfast. This is a loyalist area, according to Ball Bag. The IRA, whatever else one thinks about them, can at least do basic spelling and grammar. And you have to give them credit for that.

Terrorism is bad enough without spelling mistakes to make it worse.

CHAVEZ GIVEN POWER TO RULE BY DECREE

See, the thing is, I just bought a hammock.

When I was ten my father called me into his study one day.

“There are two types of people in this world,” he said. “Those with hammocks, and those without hammocks. I don’t ever want you to be one of those people.”

“Which people?” I asked. "The ones with hammocks, or the ones without hammocks?”

“Get out!” he roared. “You ungrateful young toad. One more peep out of you and I’ll leave your inheritance to the Cat Orphanage.”

The tragedy is that, as the owner of a hammock, I now get even less done than before. Updating this cretinous site, for example, would involve getting out of hammock and schlepping down the road to find an internet. Frankly, the effort/benefit ratio is too high. So sod off.