KILLER FACT!

-1,248 books on 9/11 have been published.

-Half of British women own more than 30 pairs of shoes.

-Of the trillions of cells in a typical human body, only about one in ten is human. The rest are microbial.

Like a jigsaw, all the pieces are falling into place.

ALIBI

Let it be noted that at 2am on September 28th I was sitting at a computer typing these words. I was NOT taking part in any kind of illegal activity in a barn.

THE 100 GREATEST LISTS OF ALL TIME

This week Radio 4 listeners voted for their favourite lists from the UK. Here are the winners:

100. The Sunday Times' "12 Hottest New Resorts In Really Poor Countries".
99. "Top 50 Norfolk freaks." Norwich Evening News readers vote for squinting idiots from the Norfolk area.
98. "Britain’s 50 Best Dressed Homeless Men," in GQ Magazine. "It's hobo-tastic!"
97. "10 Fish We Would Most Like to Meet." Capital Radio listeners phone in with their favourite sea creatures. (Last year’s winner- the badger.)
96. "Britain’s 50 funniest fridge magnets," with Sir William Rees-Mogg (BBC 1).
95. Loaded Magazine’s "100 Worst Ever Football Haircuts". The Premier League’s most shocking barnets revealed.
94."Top of the Wops"- Vogue Magazine’s 15 Most Influential Italian Designers.
93. "Gay Of The Year." Radio Times readers vote for their favourite gay.
92. Saga Magazine's "12 Coolest Diseases to Catch on Holiday".
91. "Top 10 Geordie Porkers." Northern Echo readers vote for Tyneside’s fattest cunt.
90. "TV's Naughtiest Terrorists." Chris Tarrant counts down the nation's most memorable bloodbaths.

The countdown continues next week.


Jimmy Tarbuck, recently voted Britain’s Most Influential Thinker by Daily Mirror readers.

JOHNSONS

"I saw Boris Johnsons riding his bike outside Leicester Square tube station last night. I shouted out "Johnsons!" and he gave me a jaunty wave. He looked terribly pale, almost FINNISHLY pale. I was nonetheless feeling quite smug about the experience for some minutes afterwards. This feeling then turned into one of mild depression as I considered how much more I could have got out of our brief encounter, e.g pushing him off his bike into an oncoming taxi."

Ollie B in the comments a couple of month ago. Someone has sent me a most amusing clip of Johnsons complaining about the number of people who shout sod off at him as he rides his bicycle around London:



What would you shout at Johnsons? Perhaps the wittiest thing would be to say nothing at all, and heave half a brick at him.

CANADIAN EAR-BITING "SUSTAINABLE"

Bismarck police said the group tried to calm the woman down. And that was when, according to police, the agitated woman bit off part of the Winnipeg officer's right ear.

No one with any self-respect would live in Winnipeg. I say let them bite each other’s ears off.

Apart from that, not much happened in Canada this week. The situation seems to be under control, with everyone continuing to get richer and fatter at a sustainable 2% per annum.

TAKE UP THE POSH MAN'S BURDEN

“If Mr Cameron is going to take the reins of government he is going to have to look like he can run a country, and -most importantly- the country's foreign policy.”

What is so important about the country’s foreign policy? As long as we don’t get invaded, it will have been a success. Doing whatever Finland does would be a sound foreign policy. I don’t see them sending aircraft carriers to Afghanistan. They’ve got more sense.

As it happens, I know Cameron from Eton, and we often take showers together. I told him he needs to sort out the railways, crack down on the Welsh, and resist the temptation to go poking his nose into countries on the far side of the world.

“And get your hair cut, you look like a pooftah,” I added.

FUCK OFF, AND TAKE YOUR ELEPHANT WITH YOU

Bystander is annoyed by the number of people who claim that there is an elephant in the room, when there isn’t.

That one never made much sense to me, either. So the elephant is standing in your living room. No elephant would do that, but anyway, there it is, and there’s a sort of unspoken agreement not to mention it, and everyone carries on as if the premises were elephant-free. I know it’s only a metaphorical elephant, but, even so, this scenario doesn’t seem to bear much relation to real life as I have experienced it. Or am I being thick?

For my part, I wish reporters would stop saying that people are “on the ground”. Troops on the ground in Afghanistan... Our people on the ground in Iraq... Where the hell else would they be? Larking around in trees?

The ground, sir, is their habitat.


People in Iraq are on the ground, much as I expected.

TRUE GRIT

A friend of mine –he's a Colombian politician in a small town- receives frequent death threats. Last year he denounced the paramilitaries for skimming a percentage off public contracts, and there’s a strong chance that he'll now be murdered (they've already tried once). He thinks they might try to abduct him.

I'm going to order him a copy of On Becoming Fearless by Arianna Huffington, in the hope that it will inspire him as much as it has inspired American women. It isn't easy being a multi-millionaire in California, and Arianna has shown real courage in standing up against the detentions and disappearances that go on in Beverly Hills, not to mention the gossip columnists, intimidated by the idea of a strong, independent woman.

I even heard someone praise Andrei Agassi's courage the other day. They thought he had been very brave to keep playing tennis all these years, when a lesser man would have retired and opened a pub.



Arianna was promoting her book on the O'Reilly Factor last week and, credit where it's due, she did give that frightful bellowing mick a run for his money. But if she really were fearless she would have maced him.

WOULDN'T SAY NO TO A BIT OF THE OLD HELIUM

Bollocks. Love them or hate them, you can't ignore them. They're everywhere- in our homes, in our supermarkets. For many people in Britain today, life without bollocks just wouldn't be the same.

The domain name bollocks.com is free, I just discovered. I nearly bought it myself -hell, I deserve it- then I thought it would be an unjustifiable extravagance when there are so many poor people in the world.

Argon.com is also available, if you are into inert gases. In fact, I think I'll register that one right now, to stop the Jews from getting their hands on it. Though actually, I'm more of a helium man, myself.

CARDIFF STIFF

Cardiff's town drunk has died:



From Cardiff Terrifies Me, via Worstall.

HELIOCENTRIC IS THE HARDEST WORD

"The Vatican said on Saturday the Pope was sorry Muslims had been offended by a speech."

It takes a big Pope to apologise. It took them three and half centuries to “express regret” about Galileo, despite the fact that Galileo was 100% right and they were 100% wrong. The Church of England is a sorry religion. They could learn a lot from us.

Muslims have accepted his apology. Saudi cleric Abdul-Aziz al-Sheikh said everything is now “cool” between Islam and the Vatican. “Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we all say things we don’t mean. Over the years I, too, have said some stuff... Let’s use this as an opportunity for personal growth, and then move on.”

By the way, if Dave from work is reading this, I’m sorry I took your yoghurt, man. I know you were probably looking forward to that. And I’m sorry I accused you of heresy.

Frank and manly- that is how it is done. Now compare my apology to Pope John Paul II’s:

“The error of the theologians of the time, when they maintained the centrality of the earth, was to think that our understanding of the physical world's structure was, in some way, imposed by the literal sense of Sacred Scripture.”

Kind of mean and grudging, isn’t it? When you’re in the wrong, admit it and say you’re sorry. Take it on the chin. Sometimes, when you’re dealing with women or Muslim clerics they’ll want to keep bitching at you even after you’ve already apologised, like, 8 times. I find that a bunch of daffodils usually answers the case.


Oh, no! Someone's upset them.

FRANK CHALK

My friend Chalk has a new book out:

"He is an ordinary teacher in an ordinary British school... a school where the kids get drunk, beat up the teachers and take drugs - when they can be bothered to turn up... Chalk confiscates porn, booze and trainers..."

We owe a great debt of gratitude to Britain’s teachers. If it weren’t for them we’d all be speaking German. And French. And Latin. And be able to do sums.

I once met an Austrian woman who worked in a British school. The poor creature had a nervous breakdown after a couple of months, just as I predicted. “Zey behave like devils,” she said.

CLIP

In this clip a highly off-putting Tory argues that free speech is bad for London's tourist industry.

It has been a vintage year for the non-sequitur, thanks to the Turks.


via Chicken Yoghurt

THE GREATEST LIVING AUSTRALIAN?

Reader fjl accuses me of being “obsessed” with Steve Irwin.

I make no apologies for my admiration of Irwin, the West’s first line of defence against lizards. In my opinion he was the greatest Australian since Eddie Izzard, and Eddie Izzard isn’t even Australian.

Who have they got now? Crocodile Greer and a bunch of champion swimmers. It would be a sorry state of affairs if the greatest living Australian were now Rolf Harris, but I’m afraid this may well be the case. Dan Ackroyd is pretty great, but he turns out to be Canadian.



The Greatest Living Australian? What do YOU think? Come on, guys, let’s poll.

STINGRAY KILLINGS MAY BE IRWIN REVENGE

"People may be avenging the death of Steve Irwin by slaying stingrays..."

As Mark Steyn always says, it’s not a question of how sorry you are -anyone can be sorry- it’s a question of how you go about organising reprisals. That is what separates the chaff from the goats.

If we let them get away with this, the rays will think we are decadent. All I can do for Steve is insist that the ray which killed him is hunted down and prevented from targeting more Australians.

Come on, guys, let's rotate.

THE HYPOCRITICAL MALKIN

When a Muslim blows stuff up or lops some chap’s head off, she just goes on and on about it. But what about Christian violence? Hmm?

A vicar’s tea party in Berkshire degenerates into a vicious fist-fight, and she doesn’t say a word. Christian on Christian violence doesn’t fit into the Malkin world view, so she carries on as if it never happened, twisting the facts to suit her prejudices.

Don’t get me wrong. The Church of England has made an incredibly valuable contribution to our country. Anglicans are doctors, lawyers, members of the military, shopkeepers, mums and dads. And they must be treated with respect.

But they are also a violent, mental set of people, not unlike the Arabs. And when the scones run out and the fists start flying, it is a timely reminder of the dangers we face.



Another Church of England tea party turns rabid. The Venerable Norman Russell, Archdeacon of Berkshire, said: “I was very sorry to hear about the incident at the tea.”


Full disclosure: I myself am an Anglican, though I am thinking of converting to Islam to annoy my father.

MORE POLICE

...and in Cornwall they did a man called Gordon MacKillop for "placing a garden gnome with intent to cause harassment".

Unless the story is a hoax. I sometimes wonder if the fucking country might not be a hoax. I mean, you turn on the TV and everything is a spoof something else.

The other day I dreamt that Blair was in California, and that John Prescott was running the land.

THE LANGUAGE OF THE TAVERN

A mother of two has been fined for swearing at yobs who terrorised her neighbourhood… Ms Appleyard finally lost her temper and pleaded with her tormenters: "Please, just f*** off". Two weeks later, officers called at her house and issued her with the fine.

Sergeant Neil Haley, from West Yorkshire police, said: "We appreciate that anti-social behaviour can be frustrating for people but they should not take the law into their own hands."

Quite right. Swearing is the sign of a limited vocabulary. I hope they throw the book at her, just as they did with Wayne Rooney when he called the referee a cunt and a blighter, thereby setting a poor example to the young people. (It is important to nip this kind of thing in bud, otherwise the fans might start swearing.)

Freedom of speech does not give one the right to shout “Bollocks!” in a crowded theatre.



The authentic face of modern Britain: the face of a resentful stoat.

KILLER FACT!

Fatsos outnumber the malnourished for the first time in history. 800 million people are still underfed, but there are now more than a billion wheezing porkers. Finally the masses are living up to their name.

KILLER FACT!

Drivers called Ben are the most likely to crash.

YOU FUCK ONE GOAT...

I hate the way people keep bringing up the time Steve Irwin dangled his child above a snapping crocodile. Was it wise to use his only son as bait? Not really. On the other hand, it was ages ago and the kid is fine.

There’s a phenomenon these days, I don’t know how to name it, but you make one asinine remark, dangle one infant above one crocodile, shoot one lawyer in the head, fuck one goat, and no one ever lets you forget it.

Kos’ “screw them" comment about the dead military contractors is a case in point. His enemies bring it up every time his name is mentioned, and they’ll probably still be hounding him about it when he’s eighty. To me, Kos is a pain in the arse, but I don’t think this remark was particularly revealing, insofar as everyone will say something vicious and idiotic if they keep talking long enough.

It's kind of horrifying that every time you fuck up from now on the details will be filed for all eternity on the internet, where moths and rust do not corrupt. If we are to keep our sanity in an age like this we'll have to try to be a bit more lenient to human nature. (I suppose I may as well take this opportunity to apologise for the time I posted a decades-old photo of Germaine Greer’s gusset.)

People make mistakes: that’s why they put rubbers on pencils.

*American readers, in my country a rubber... oh, to hell with you.

STEVE IRWIN

Steve Irwin has been eaten by a stingray.

I really liked him. That show where he poked at wild beasts with a stick was the only decent thing on television. His death is especially tragic when you consider how many people there are on TV who deserve to be attacked by stingrays. To kill Steve Irwin and spare the entire cast of Friends shows very poor judgement on the stingray’s part, in my opinion.

He was highly talented, in his way. Almost any other job on TV I could do myself, but I couldn't do his. I could read the news- so could any idiot. I could commentate on a tennis match. But could I sneak up on a deadly snake and twat it with a stick? Could I wrestle an infuriated crocodile into a pit, using only my bare hands? Probably not, is the answer.

R.I.P.

THE TOWN WHERE GOD LEFT THE SHOVEL

"Some British people are nice. But on Friday and Saturday night everybody gets drunk. Many girls get pregnant at 16 or 17. The general level of education is low. I'm going back for a couple of months to collect our things. Then we'll start a new life in Bulgaria."

I don’t blame her. The big danger of EU expansion is that Britain’s skilled workers and young professionals may leave in unprecedented numbers, attracted by the higher standard of living in Bulgaria and Albania.

I left High Wycombe in the 90s to seek a better life in the Gaza Strip. People who have never been to Wycombe think I’m joking when I tell them this, but that’s actually what I did do, and it was the right decision. Sure, Wycombe has a Municipal Leisure Complex and a tree, but in most other respects the quality of life is better in the Gaza camps.

Wycombe’s main selling point, apart from the tree, is that there aren’t quite so many terrorist loonies and swarms of locusts (though we're catching up). When I was a nipper, strangers would arrive off the train, take one look at the surroundings and say, “Great God, this is a dreadful place!”

“Cheer up!” I would tell them. “At least there aren’t any terrorists.”

Last month's bomb plot means we're going to have to come up with a new redeeming feature. Being marginally less hellish than Slough isn't cutting it anymore.



"Welcome to High Wycombe. Keep out."
I don't know what this is supposed to be. Most of the town looks like this.

KILLER FACT!

The Times have published a league table of top orchestras:

1. Hallé
2. London Symphony
3. Northern Sinfonia

My team, The Royal Philharmonic, are facing relegation after our key bassoonist was hit by a hamstring injury, and we had to play Terry Butcher on the kazoo.

There was a thing on Radio 4 the other day about how touring orchestras have problems caused by the ban on hand luggage. Your $3 million Stradivarius must now travel in the hold, where monkeys of baggage handlers will throw it around and bash dents in it.

(Via Normblog Geras)