Denouncing Christmas at a “secular Christmas party": Hitchens has come up with a new way of being a pain in the arse. Hats off.

HOW TO DEAL WITH NOISY NEIGHBOURS

1. Close the doors and windows.
2. Go to the kitchen and turn the gas on.
3. Go to the bedroom and light a candle.
4. Go for a walk while your flat explodes.

I haven’t done that yet, but that’s not to say that I won’t. They keep playing that appalling song, that one that goes 'ay ay ay'. (That was a joke, by the way. They all go ‘ay ay ay’.)

Latin America is basically a bunch of people in hats going ‘ay ay ay’ and running each other over.

And another thing: if you park your car outside my building and play reggaeton at full volume at 7am on a Sunday morning, you aren’t an exuberant, hot-blooded Latin; you are a tosser.

And if you cut across two lanes of traffic then shake your fist and shout ‘son of a whore’ at another driver (who is roaring right back at you), you aren’t an exuberant, hot-blooded Latin; you are a tosser.

And if you show up for a meeting an hour and twenty minutes late and ask, “Have you been here long?”, etc., etc., ...tosser.

They’ve been getting away with this shit for far too long. (All real-life examples from the last couple of weeks.)

Four or five months ago my taxi driver got out to have a punch up with another driver, an old git who turned out to be a retired or off-duty cop. So the pig gets his ID out and stands in the middle of the road blowing a whistle to get more police over, my guy drives off, and then we had this, like, car chase for a couple of blocks before we lost him. It was one of those days when you think, “I can’t handle this anymore. I'm moving to Switzerland.”

The Instapundit has posted another update about a GPS he ordered for his car:

“So I wound up ordering the Garmin Nuvi 660 instead of the 350 I mentioned earlier... I've often had the experience of being on a trip and stuck in traffic, and wishing I knew local conditions well enough to find a way around the jam. I'll let you know how it works out.”

I can’t wait to learn if he found a way around the jam. I certainly hope he did, and was reunited with his loved ones as soon as possible.

The hopes and prayers of liberty-loving people everywhere march with you.

What a brilliant man.

Police are complaining about the large numbers of nuisance calls they receive. Dealing with thick members of the public is diverting resources away from shooting Brazilians and diversity training, they claim. This is my favourite one, but they are all pretty side-splitting.

What is today's date?

There is pole dancing at number 3.

I can't find Homebase and I am very distressed.

Is there a hairdresser's open in Cambridge?

When I phoned them claiming to have my foot stuck inside a pumpkin they told me I was wasting their time, as if the time would otherwise have been spent kicking down doors and arresting terrorists.

I didn’t much care for her snooty tone.

THE PEOPLE OF CANADA CAN FUCK OFF

Ha ha. Look at these dumb Canadians trying to ban newspaper articles.

The Canadian Islamic Congress and everyone else in Canada can all fuck off, as far as I’m concerned.

KILLER FACT!

"Egyptians, Indians and Turks search for "sex" on Google more than any other nationality. "Hitler" is most popular in Germany, Austria and Mexico; "Nazi" in Chile, Australia and Britain. "David Beckham" gets most hits in Venezuela."

WHAT THEY DON’T TEACH YOU AT HARVARD BUSINESS SCHOOL

Fellas, have you ever tried to put your bollocks into a marmite jar? It's a simple matter to get them in, but you cannot get them out again. I don't understand the science behind it.

Try it during your tea break. It really works!

So how do you get them out? Or must they remain there until the crack of doom?

Simple. You give a hammer to a passer-by and invite him to take a swing. And –hey presto!- liberated plums.

They pay me to solve problems.

I’ll never forget the time I went into a bakery in Rome to buy a pastry.

Well I’ll be damned:

“A new guide to the world's most awful airports, by Foreign Policy magazine, doesn't even include Heathrow in its top five.”

The place does have one redeeming feature, which is that tycoons and celebrities who pay $8,000 for their tickets get treated as badly as everyone else. Even Snoop Dogg must take his shoes off and stand in his socks boiling with impotent rage, before being herded like a pig through the metal detectors.