NARCISSISTS' MANIFESTO

“There will never be anyone else like you in the future of the universe. There has never been anyone exactly like you since human life began. That’s why being yourself is more important than anything else.”

No doubt this kind of thing is very moving if you’re an American, and I imagine the author had tears rolling down her stupid face as she typed it. But how would she like it if she were in the approach to Heathrow and air traffic control suddenly got an idea for a poem?

Prepare for ditching. Not so creative now, are you, you old whore? See what you’ve done with your damnable inspiring books?

This is why life has become such a pain in the harris. You call the bank, and they don’t answer the phone because they don’t like banking, and want to do something “fulfilling” instead, like the guy who gets fired out of cannons at the circus.

Well let me tell you something. When the ratio of bankers to cannonning clowns falls below 10,000 to 1, you’ve got a problem. No nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure.

"There has never been anyone exactly like you since human life began." This is obviously the case for people like me and Bruce Willis. But if you’re not Bruce Willis, keep your ear to the grindstone.

TEMPLATE

“Never having been to Venezuela / Palestine / Kurdistan, or within 500 miles of it, and despite not speaking Spanish / Arabic / Kurdish, I have come to the conclusion, based on some stuff I read on the internet…”
            
            [insert fatuous CIF opinion piece]

“…and I believe this very strongly, though I cannot, off the top of my head, name 10 Venezuelans, Palestinians or Kurds.”

I was at a party the other day, and there was this man holding forth about Marsh Arabs. I don’t remember if he was for or against them, but he was pretty steamed up about it. I’m supposed to worry about Marsh Arabs now, am I, on top of everything else? Sod that.

So I said, “You ever met a Marsh Arab, cunt?”

He hadn’t, of course.

'MONK DIES IN FREAK MOWER ACCIDENT'

'One of Britain's leading Buddhist monks has died in a freak accident cutting lawns at his temple in Milton Keynes.'

A leading monk? A freak mower accident? At a temple in Milton Keynes?

This has all the hallmarks of a Vladimir Putin hit. Any simpleton can mow his own foot off, but to die in a mowing accident takes planning. Imagine if Teddy Kennedy lost his life in a ‘mowing accident’. We’d never hear the end of it.

“I get to Her Majesty's Customs. Overweight, uniformed women let black sniffer dogs rub their disgusting wet noses against people's luggage. I stroll through and out into a welcoming area. This is where Heathrow proper starts. It is so vile, I can't bring myself to describe it.” (Hemlock)


Due to heightened security, passengers may be doused with freezing water. Thank you for your cooperation.

That Scotchman has another song out. It’s nice to see the young people enjoying themselves.

MUTE INGLORIOUS STILTON

Venezuelans under Chavez are now enjoying shelves full of cheese. In England we can only dream of such things.

One of Hugo Chavez’s many achievements has been to make absolute nutter behaviour respectable. I take the point that if the coup-plotters are putting it about that there is no cheese, when cheese is plentiful, then you have to expose them for the liars and fanatics they are. In a Venezuelan context this cheese post is reasonable enough.

But if a Brazilian or Argentine went around a supermarket photographing the beans, and wrote patriotic posts about the abundance of breakfast cereals, people would say he had lost his wits.

KILLER FACT!

Today is Napoleon’s* birthday.

*Emperor of the French, King of Italy, Protector of the Rhine, etc. Noted for legalising incest.

Krugman:

“The bill expanding children’s health insurance that just passed in the House makes you want to stand up and cheer. Reports that Senator Charles Schumer opposes plans to close the hedge fund tax loophole make you want to sit down and cry.”

Like a lot of Americans, this man is a serious hysteric, either whooping and high-fiving, or sobbing like a baby. If a Japanese economist did a Paltrow every time he saw a tax loophole, they’d lock him away.

“Risten here, Kwugman, you gonna be teach economic in Osaka Mental Hospital, if you doesn't cut it out with the weeping,” is what I imagine they would say.

NIGHTMARE

Water supply is expected to be restored to thousands of homes in flood-hit areas on Monday, although a full recovery remains days away... The Gloucestershire Flood Relief Fund has been officially launched with an appeal by the Mayors of Gloucester and Tewkesbury.

To be honest, I’m pretty tired of hearing about these worzels and their problems. Here in Bogota we just had a transport strike, so my cleaner didn't show up this week. No clean glasses, so I'm having to drink my Pinot Noir out of a mug with “Carpet Solutions” written on the side.

But you don’t hear me complaining and asking for government handouts. I soldier on, with my customary stiff upper lip.