-The Adventures of Raffles the Gentleman Thief. A West End club man who plays cricket for England leads a double life as a safe-cracker and master of disguise, whose cat-like stealth enables him to burgle the Mayfair houses he entered as a guest. That’s really what it’s like out there, on the streets.Meanwhile, some people are having a row about the British Crime Survey, and whether crime has gone up or down. Either way, England remains the fourth most violent country on Earth, behind Somalia, Iraq and Scotland. I have known students who, having spent their whole lives living peacefully in Rio de Janeiro or Caracas, have gone to study in England and been set upon by the villainous local peasantry, usually in some place like Bournemouth or Leigh-on-Sea. (Half the language schools are on the coast, for some reason. I always warn them that English seaside towns are dens of scum and roguery, but no one listens to me.)
-Mad Frank's Britain, by “Mad” Frankie Fraser. Another patriotic crook: an ape who loves his country and his muvver. Though actually he isn’t as mad as he likes to claim. In fact, he’s quite predictable.
In Colombia, I have never had any trouble from the criminal classes. But if a toe-rag did come to my house to steal my spoons, I would train a gun on him and say something witty, yet chilling, then shoot him like a quail. That’s the plan, anyway. I’ll let you know how it works out.
Bruce Willis as Raffles
