IT'S A STINKING WORLD

"Where is your usual bonhomie?" writes Tim T. "Crappy new year to you too."

Bonhomie my arse. It’s a stinking world. Christmas is the time for bonhomie and goodwill. New Year is a time to reflect how dismally mean and stupid one’s countrymen are. I was on the National Express yesterday. You would not believe how ugly everyone was.

So don't talk to me about bonhomie.

HAIKU ON ANOTHER WASTED YEAR

Two thousand and five:
The March of Mankind this year
Took place without me.

I feel I could have really achieved something with my life if it weren't for the extraordinary difficulty I have getting out of bed. My New Year wish? That by this time next year our wretched rat-like species will have been wiped out by an asteroid.

Have a miserable 2006. I hope you all rot.

BRRRR

Not much snow in London, avouches the Hungbunny. The thing to remember is that it's still only Thursday in London, whereas here in Somerset it's the Year Of The Cat, and it's snowing like billy-o, snowing on all the living and the dead. I said to my friend Kevin, I said, I'm buggered if I'm going out there, in that. It's snowing outside, and in my heart there is freezing fog. I wish I had a mince pie. Feeling a bit peckish.


Volkswagens sit brooding in the snow. Not going out there, I said, in that.

UPDATE! It has stopped snowing.

TOP TEN WARMONGERS

International armed conflicts, 1946-2003:

UK (21)
France (19)
USA (16)
Russia / Soviet Union (9)
Australia (7)
Netherlands (7)
China (6)
Egypt (6)
Israel (6)
Thailand (6)

Thank God I voted Labour. If it weren't for Bomber Blair -Iraq, Afghanistan, Bosnia and Sierra Leone- we'd have been overtaken by the snail-eaters.

Source: Human Security Report 2005

HOW MANY DIVISIONS HAS EDDIE IZZARD?

Blair visiting troops "to raise morale". What a treat for them! Their little faces must have lit up with Christmas joy.

Would your morale be raised by a visit from that slippery lunatic? They were probably hoping for the Spice Girls, or TV funnyman Eddie Izzard. He packs them off to some pitsville desert to get shot at, then expects them to be pleased to see him. The Prime Minister, that is, not Eddie Izzard.

It probably raised Blair's morale, at least. There are few things he enjoys more than haring around in helicopters, making mad speeches. The big majnoon.

KILLER FACT!

If Mary and Joseph did the same journey today they would pass through fifteen Israeli checkpoints.

NIZLOPI

This year's Christmas number one was JCB by Nizlopi:

"I'm Luke, I'm five, and my dad's Bruce Lee,
He drives me round in his JCB,
And we're holdin' up the bypass,
Weh oh,
Me and my dad havin a top laugh,
Weh oh..."

I couldn't agree more. That's really what it's like out there, on the streets. Finally we have two young artists with the courage to describe Blair's Britain as it really is.


Nizlopi, a popular beat ensemble.

HE WAS A MEAN AND WICKED MAN, FOR HE WAS A LAWYER

It was Christmas Eve and an orphan was lost in the forest. He had trudged for many miles and night was drawing on. The forest was a frightening place. Strange shapes kept appearing out of the gloom. Far away a wolf howled.

Presently, he stumbled upon a forest clearing, where he beheld a cottage. The chimney was smoking and there were lights in the windows. He knocked at the door. A man answered, and regarded the orphan with distaste. He was a mean and wicked man, for he was a lawyer.

“A merry Christmas to you, sir", said the orphan. "Save a poor orphan from the freezing wind." But in his lawyer's heart it was always winter.

"If you don't clear off I shall call the police. I'm very good friends with the Chief Constable," said the lawyer. And so he was, for they were both masons.

"But sir, 'tis Christmas Eve and I am lost in the forest without food or shelter."

At these words the lawyer slammed the door in his face.

"What man was that," asked his wife, "who came a-knocking on this cruel winter's night?"

"Stinking carol singers", said the lawyer.

"But it’s fifteen miles to the village, and the snow is two feet deep. What can they be doing in the middle of the forest on such a night as this?"

"Oh, who gives a toss?" said the lawyer, and returned to counting his loot.

Next day, throughout the kingdom, the nation's lawyers carved their Christmas geese, and sipped sherry by their fires. But there was no sherry in the workhouses that Christmas. There the poor and destitute wrapped themselves in blankets, and chewed at meagre hunks of bread.

And the snow fell softly upon the grave of the unknown orphan.

TO: The Australian Broadcasting Corporation

Dear Sir or Sheila,
Got a great idea for a screenplay, set against the background of the racial violence in Sydney. It's about a Lebanese teenager in Cronulla. His folks want him to be a suicide bomber, but he just wants to surf. He's getting hassle from the pigs, and his girl, she just don't understand.

But help is at hand! From the dolphins!

I've already got Omar Sharif as the Lebanese kid. The dolphins are played by Eminem.

What do you reckon? Let's make screenplays!


The Australian Broadcasting Corporation replies:

Hi Harry, thank you for your inquiry.

Unfortunately all outlines or scripts for drama or narrative comedy projects must be submitted through a producer/production company or recognised agent. Please contact the Drama Department if you require any further information ph 02 8333 3024.

Thank you for contacting the ABC.

--------------------------------------------
Rachel Sinclair
Development Coordinator
ABC TV

I guess I'll contact the Drama Department, then.

ANNOUNCEMENT

To help raise moral standards I have removed the photo of Germaine Greer's orifice from the front page. It can now be found here. Please do not view the gusset if you are a miner, or if your religion regards Germaine Greer's bits as an abomination.

I just want things to be decent.

A MILESTONE ON THE ROAD TO PEACE

To: The Israeli Embassy, London

Dear Sir,
I represent the Student Union of the University of Sheffield. We recently took the decision to recongise the State of Israel, following an acrimonious debate. Please inform the Ambassador of our decision.

What is the next step? When would be a good time to meet His Excellency for photographs?

A thousand shaloms.

Yours faithfully,

Harry Hutton


From: The Israeli Embassy - Director Public Affairs

Dear Harry,
Thanks for your email. That’s great news... we were recognized at last. I was in Sheffield twice last year - did we meet? Maybe we should organise a talk at the student Union this year again.

Dan Shaham
Director of Public affairs

WHAT A CUNT!

Just voted for Sir Ian Blair in the Cunt Of The Year Awards. Never even heard of those other cunts.

And it seems I came twelfth in the "Best of the Top 251-500 Blogs" awards. Praise doesn't come much fainter than this. Even in the top ten, most of the contestants are simply too boring to read. I could write better posts than that even if I were half asleep after eating a giant ham.


Giant hams recently. Wouldn't want to meet one of those on a dark night.

"If Australia had been colonised by any other nation but the British, it would be less racist," writes Germaine Greer in The Guardian.

It’s all very well saying that you are opposed to racial hatred, but what are you in favour of? What do you propose to replace it with- herbal tea? That’s the left’s answer to everything, and it simply doesn't work. Just look at Cuba.


Germaine Greer, in younger and happier days.

GOOD

Canadian mob boss Conrad Black to go on trial next March. Hollinger executives all howling like canaries. Gangster's moll Barbara Amiel could face the chair.

Mark Steyn is singing with the fishes.

WELCOME

Welcome to Venezuela, and have a nice... arraagh!

Killer Fact! 68.7% of visitors to Caracas are dragged from their taxis and scalped within 3 miles of the airport perimeter. Gotta say, though, I lived there for two years and no one stole so much as a tea bag from me; whereas in England scarcely a day goes by when one doesn't get burgled, mugged or punched on the ear.

DRUNKENNESS AND HOOLIGANISM HAVE NO PLACE IN AUSTRALIA

What on earth is going on in Sydney? One looks to Australians to set a good example, not brawl in the streets like huns and visigoths. I was sorely disappointed.

My nephew Kevin is reading Australian Studies at the University of Dundee: he is an expert on Australian culture. I called to ask him about root causes. He said that people who prefer Dani Minogue to her sister Kylie will be left behind, in the dustbin of history. I don't know what he's talking about.

COLOMBIAN GIRL SANTAS

Trade ministers are gathering in Hong Kong for a crucial round of talks aimed at liberalising free trade. Who gives a toss, right? Here are some Colombian girl santas.



Met them in a supermarket in Medellin. To an economist, of course, such santas are non-tradeable goods and services, hence arbitrage not possible. Otherwise our inefficient domestic santas would quickly go the way of the red squirrel.

SCOTTISH MORONS

Glasgow survival. Go to where it says toys, and see if you can survive an encounter with the Scottish moron.

DECORATIONS A PAIN IN THE HOLE, CLAIMS LEADING INTELLECTUAL

"Putting decorations up is a pain in the fucking hole, so if I am going to do it, they must remain up for a reasonable length of time," argues Ball Bag, taking on the decorations cartels and Big Media. Read the whole thing, if you have nothing more pressing to do.

(Not suitable for miners.)

SOME VILLAIN HATH DONE ME WRONG

I am so fucking angry. I'm in this hostel for gits, and every time I want to publish my wise thoughts the computers are all taken by stupid people, sending emails to their stupid friends. "weather is great LOL, how is dave?" Idiots.

Those stinking backpackers stole my towel. First they came for my socks, but, because I was not a sock, I did nothing. Then my towel was hanging up to dry and someone made off with it, like a low Turk. My favourite towel, with leopards on it. I gave a description to the cops. We just have a couple of hundred homicides to deal with, then we'll get onto it, they sneered. They probably thought it was some kind of insurance scam.

I'm in Medellin. Murders have in fact fallen from 3,450 in 2002, to a mere 812 this year, which is more than the whole UK, but is still safer than going over the Niagara Falls in a barrel. That's the way I look at it.


Idiot

A BUNCH OF MIDGETS FIGHT OVER BUGGER ALL

Some guy was saying that people with weblogs are Rousseaus of the gutter. Is that supposed to be an insult? If anyone called me a Rousseau of the gutter I would challenge him to a duel.

What is a weblog?

-"An online journal comprised of links and postings in reverse chronological order." (Dan Gilmour)

-"Some cunt linking to some other cunt." (H.Hutton)

-"A bunch of midgets fighting over bugger all." (John Band)

-"Rousseaus of the gutter." (NoelNatter)

THE LAW OF ENGLAND ALLOWS ME TO BLUDGEON MOLES

Letter to Paul Goodman, MP for Wycombe:
Dear Sir,
I have a legal question about moles. As you are no doubt aware, many of them dig tunnels hundreds of miles long. It is almost the only thing they are any good at. It is possible -indeed, it is likely- that many such tunnels cross constituency boundaries.

It could be that, even as we speak, moles are crossing from your constituency to Labour boroughs, or vice versa. As beasts, that is their privilege.

And if I have a mole in my garden, I am quite within my rights to bash its nasty snout with a shovel. As your constituent, that is my right. The law is quite clear on that.

But what if a mole is also resident in Reading East, where Labour won? Is it your mole, and therefore a legitimate target, or an outside mole? Does its status change as it crosses the border, sneaking through the earth to its frightful dens? Or are there other factors that might nullify these calculations?

My friend Clive, whose uncle is a lawyer, says that technically all burrowing rodents belong to the Queen. I am not convinced that this is the case.

When would be a good time to discuss moles with you? I could come to the Houses of Parliament next week if that is convenient.

Yours faithfully,

H. Hutton


Goodman replies:



This guy seems a bit over-intelligent to be representing the people of Wycombe. A truly representative MP would be a villainous stuttering imbecile. I’m away at the moment, but if you have the misfortune to live in Wycombe and would like to go round to his office and wind him up, that would be a good use of a winter morning. I’ll email you some mole questions to tax him with.

TWELVE YEARS AGO

The major grabbed a radio and spoke directly to Colonel Martinez. "Viva Colombia. We have just killed Pablo Escobar."