BOOK REVIEWS

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ASSISTED SUICIDE

"A man who tried to commit suicide by throwing himself onto the tracks of the Mexico City subway was later beaten to death by police."

KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR RACISTS

“Is that what today's UK is? It's scary. It's quite a shame really.”

Shilpa Shetty, after being shouted at by some British heifer on TV. She seems to be saying that the sub-human cockney women in the Big Brother house are in some way typical of the United Kingdom. As a member of Britain’s white community, I find that quite offensive. Though I’ll probably get over it.

In the day’s other news, the Magna Carta got fucked and buggered again, and a bunch of tribesmen were massacred in Somalia, for some reason.

*Note for American readers: in Britain this week billions were wiped off share values, and there was a nuclear stand-off with India, in the biggest crisis since Suez. To cut a dull story short, a TV company put some stupid people in a house to make a stupid TV show, then everyone complains when they do something stupid. It happens every year.

MAN'S INHUMANITY TO LAWYER

I'm staying with a friend who's a lawyer. 1am and he's still in the office, making money for banks.

I’ll tell you how it is when you’re a City Lawyer. You get to thirty and you think, this mucho sucks, but next year they'll make me a partner, and my salary will quadruple. I’ll do that for a couple of years, then I’ll retire and sit on my boat drinking mint juleps, and sleep with women from countries with a low GDP per capita.

A couple of years later, you look in the mirror and you’re grey around the temples, and you look like crap. But you think, “If I just stick around for a few years more I’ll be making the really big money, and I’ll buy my dream truffle on the Cote D’Azur.”

You carry on like this until you suffer your first heart attack.

MORE FAN MAIL FROM NUTTERS

Hutton,
Irritated to see you and your dickhead readers mouthing off about owls the other day. Just what the hell do you know about it? You some kind of owl expert, cunt?

The internet is full of people like you who know nothing about owls, who have probably never even seen an owl... and yet here you are mouthing off about owls. I’m sick of it.

You’d better run when you see me coming, because I’ll slit your fucking nostrils.

Have a great day.

Yours etc.,


Bill Oddie, ornithologist.

NEWS ROUNDUP

The Brazilian stock market is down sharply, Bush is sending more troops to Iraq, and a giant owl is attacking people in Middlesbrough.

I don’t understand a single thing that’s going on anymore.

KILLER FACT!

Ecstasy and cocaine were invented / first extracted by the Germans. Amphetamines were invented by a Romanian (at a German university), and the Swiss invented LSD.

The Chinese invented whisky, according to a Stephen Fry book I got for Christmas. The British invented football hooliganism and dogging.

A couple of months ago a group of us were hiking in the Australian outback when this twerp from CNN comes up, and starts asking a lot of imbecile questions about “the voices and experiences that shaped your country's rich history.”

So we put on comedy Australian accents and filled his head with a lot of nonsense about wombats and billabongs. “Got any tinnies on ya, ya mongrel? I’m drier than a dingo’s ballbag in this heat.” Etc.

I had forgotten all about the incident, until I found his report on the CNN web page just now:

“Take your togs or cossies, your esky packed with amber fluid and maybe a dog's eye for a snack. Bend the elbow too much? Stop off for a long black, a short black or a flat white to make sure you don't end up a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock.”

I made this up myself. It means nothing in any language.


Australia. These jumping rat things give me the creeps.

Gerald Ford being buried "live". Hanging Saddam Hussein was one thing, but this is going too far.