FUN AND SUNSHINE: THERE'S ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE

A beautiful tropical evening, here on the Colombian coast. This is life as it should be lived. Cocktail in hand, breezes coming in off the sea, and the murderous pounding of reggaeton through the floorboards. I like to see the young people enjoying themselves. Shakespeare put it best when he said, 'Fun and sunshine: there's enough for everyone.' A couple of people just had a fight outside my hotel door. Some harpy kept shrieking, 'Let go of his leg.'

There must have been some kind of dispute, which resulted in someone’s leg getting seized. Life is often like that.

A beautiful evening on Colombia's coast, and not even Mrs Thatcher can stop me enjoying it.


Eating lobster is good for the skin, but it isn’t any good for the lobster. I shot this one myself.

GHOULISH GLEE

Saturday Night Live have been caught using canned laughter, to create the illusion that the entertainment is entertaining.

P.G. Wodehouse once made the point that, statistically, some of the people in canned laughter tracks will have died by the time the show is broadcast. So when you watch Friends you are hearing the mummified mirth of people who died during the Clinton administration, and now lie in the earth rotting.


Joey Tribbiani cracks wise, to the hideous, chilling laughter of the undead.

OPEN THREAD

I’m away at the moment, but here is an open thread so that you, the ordinary man in the street, can have your say about the issues of the day.

Today’s issue: is it wrong to shoplift?

KILLER FACT!

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 0 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Key findings:
-There are 0 people in the U.S. named Snoop Diddy.

-While it is true that there are four Paul Krugmans, there is no such person as Adolf Blenkinsop.

-There are 503 people people named George Bush, but no one is called Orifice Bush, or George Twat.

-There is only one Hugh Janus.

NONCE ATLAS

The Sun has published a thought-provoking Nonce Map of the British Isles, showing where the UK’s sex beasts live. (Data from the probation service.)

Humberside, home to John Prescott MP, comes top, followed by Norfolk, where 83.6% of the bumpkins are now electronically tagged.



The head of the probation service said that future targets need to be more outcome-focussed and less process-based to get real staff buy-in.

CAPTION COMPETITION

UPDATE! I don’t know if this will interest you, but I actually bought a spoon this weekend, a spoon not unlike this one. I could have put the money into the property market, but I thought it was better to play it safe. Otherwise, if I lost my job or anything happened to my kids, I wouldn’t have a spoon.

UPDATE 2! I’ve just remembered that I don’t have any kids. Except to the extent that the spoon is like a son to me, the son I never had.

KILLER FACT!

Boris Johnsons’ great-grandfather was Interior Minister in the Ottoman Empire. He later had the misfortune to be stoned to death by a bunch of Turks. And to this day Johnsons himself is a quarter Turkish.


An Old Etonian Turkish Tory. He must be a crook.

THERE ARE TOO MANY GODDAMNED PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET

'Your parents didn’t think about what they were doing for a second. They just reproduced like dumb apes, and here you are- part of the problem.'

Message to the 300 millionth American, born today. From Dr Scott Dikkers.

KILLER FACT!

60% of cannabis in Britain is home-grown.

UPDATE! Incidentally, have you ever seen the FBI’s glossary of drug slang? Their underworld informants were obviously taking the piss.

-I got some Sweet Lucy for you, dude.
-No, thanks. I think perhaps I’ll snop some squirrel instead.

I asked for some wild cat dagga dagga last time I was in Harlem. It turned out to be a glass of sherry.

Had an interesting chat with a Nigerian email spammer this afternoon. Sounds like a good deal.

JAPAN BANS NORTH KOREAN IMPORTS

Japan has banned imports from North Korea. Look at these Japanese kids. Poor little chaps. Nothing is more heart-breaking than the tears on a child’s face when it goes to bed without its plutonium. If they keep this up, North Korea is in danger of becoming a pariah state.




The evil Kim Jong Il. Hobbies include huntin', shootin' and fission. Sent that one to Jay Leno, possibly the only person on earth less funny than Kim Jong Il-in-the-head.

CENSORSHIP

As well as YouTube, there is also now PornoTube, for persons requiring shaven amateurs, and things of that kind.

I’ve been banned for uploading videos of Al Gore speeches.

I WOULD BOYCOTT THEIR PRODUCTS, IF THEY HAD ANY PRODUCTS

North Korea has tested a nuclear weapon, despite my urging them not to. Think I'll stay in bed today. There doesn't seem much point in saving for retirement anymore. Here’s a video of people getting kicked in the nuts, to while away the time until species extinction. It's pretty amusing.



(Via Blogrot)

A SWEATY FACED LOUT SINGING LOVE SONGS

"George Melly your a repulsive sweaty faced lout singing love songs. Why your past it. Hang your gun up. And all your dirty jokes leave them to the real comedians. You have a mouth like a ducks ass. Have you only one suit and shabby at that. And your dirty suggestive songs. Somebody ought to tell you. You dirty minded oaf. Your a load of rubbish."

Roy Edroso has written a post "in praise of invective" about the joys of insulting people. That one was a nonamous letter to George Melly.

My favourite insult ever directed at me personally was "tea-sucking limey asshole".

CALL NO MAN A PERVERT

Some recent sex scandals, in no particular order:

Bill Clinton- pushed a cigar up an intern.

Stephen Milligan M.P.- found dead wearing stockings with an orange in his mouth during government morality campaign.

Bill O’Reilly- made foul phone calls with a vibrator up his rear loader (allegedly).

Mark Foley- sent obscene emails to 16-year old boys.

I strongly approve of all these activities, of course, but whatever happened to good old-fashioned fucking? The only public figure still making the effort would seem to be John Prescott.

As for Foley, I simply cannot see that he has done anything wrong, apart from joining the Republican Party in the first place, which was disgusting but perfectly legal. At 16 you are old enough to get married and join the army, but not old enough to receive emails asking perfectly reasonable questions about your dick measurements? The world’s gone mad.

Call no man a pervert. Just look inside your own head. Nasty, eh?

WELL I NEVER!

Using thermal imaging technology, scientists have discovered that watching Mr Bean clips does not produce sexual arousal in men or women.

They also found that “women become sexually aroused as quickly as men.” Not when I’m around, they don’t. Gonna have to work on that smooth talk. I’ve been falling at the first hurdle, asking if they want to come back to my place and watch some Bean videos.

Back to the drawing board, I guess.

(via fark)

JACKASS: THE MOVIE- IT MAKES YOU LAUGH AND IT MAKES YOU THINK

Good news. The new Jackass film took $29 million in its opening weekend. I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m really looking forward to it. The first one was a flawless masterpiece.

Steve-O can say more about Bush’s America by running through an alligator pit with a chicken tied to his arse than Thomas Friedman could say in a hundred columns.

And the scene in which Dave England –a real genius, in my opinion- wittily takes a dump in a hardware store, as customers look on in disgust, is simply outstanding. With a single satirical turd he challenges our taboos about defecating in hardware stores, and exposes the hypocrisy of a society that condemns a man for excreting out of turn, but sees nothing wrong in spending billions of dollars on weapons each year.

What is more sickening, he is saying, a man having a dung in a shop, or America’s refusal to ratify the Kyoto Treaty? Jackass raises some important questions.



In this clip the genius Steve-O dangles above alligators with a raw chicken attached to his jockstrap. In the US a lot of the humour goes over their heads, unfortunately.