A psychiatric report has ruled that Anders Breivik, who murdered 77 people in a killing spree, is unfit to stand trial. It turns out he's a nutter.

Twenty injured in act of 'competitive shopping'

A woman who pepper-sprayed other shoppers at the Wal-Mart in Porter Ranch had armed herself with the caustic spray to gain an advantage in the fight for merchandise at the Black Friday sale.

Excellent. A higher marginal propensity to consume among retarded Americans is precisely what is needed to get us out of this slump. I see this as a strong buy signal for stocks.

I just read Morgue for Whores, Roy Edroso's first novel.

I don't know if you can imagine a plot by Martin Amis, with dialogue by Guy Ritchie, about a crime-fighting dog. Well, it's nothing like that, mercifully. In many ways, it's the opposite of that.

You can buy it here. Three thumbs up. Recommended.

THE SAFEST INVESTMENT

The only really safe investment is wine, at times like these. If it goes up, you make a profit; and if it goes down you can drink it. Whereas when your shares or your nickel futures crash, that's that. The money has somehow vanished out of existence, as though you had you set fire to a pile of £50 notes.

Just this afternoon, while the bond markets were panicking, I invested in a case of Tesco Lambrusco Rosé Light (was £5 a bottle, now £2.35) and some Peruvian chardonnays (maison fondée en 1998; 39 Clubcard points.) These vintages could easily have doubled in value by the time I retire in 2035.

The key to understanding the Eurozone crisis is this: the ECB aren't incompetent; they are sadists. Until you've grasped that, none of it makes any sense. They want people to starve to death.

Links:
-Fine wine investments
-Tesco special offers

England, 2011

The Prime Minister, the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the Mayor of London were all in the Bullingdon Club, we're occupying Kabul, our parliament still has bishops in it, and now we’re preparing for war with the Persians.

On the other hand, it looks as though the ban on monarchs marrying papists may soon be lifted.

The heart always sinks when South Americans say they are preparing the traditional dish of some province. You know you're in for beans again, perhaps with offal and fried snout of pig.

If you're lucky, you might also get some foul root which, because it tastes worse than hyena anus, they think is an aphrodisiac.

Them bankers, at Goldman Sachs and that, they should pay them bankers the same wages our boys get in Afghanistan.

Stay tuned. More opinions later.

William Perez, Colombian politician / mobster, was released from jail 54 times for dental work.

That’s a lot of dental work. He must look like Liberace by now.

INSANE HATRED OF CYCLISTS

The driver in this clip turned out to be an employee of Brazil's central bank, which has raised interest rates at all five of its policy meetings this year. The under-explored relationship between hawkish monetary policy and insane hatred of cyclists would make an interesting study.

When I first suggested filling Chicago airport with millions of bees, tended by former convicts, they all said I was mad. They said the same about Christopher Columbus.



I refused to take no for an answer. Like Luther Vandross nailing a worm to a church door, I could do no other. I’m going to fill that airport with bees, I said, whatever the cost, whoever gets hurt.



And today, my friends, that dream came true.

American shot by sniper after bicycle tour of Tripoli. You're not safe anywhere these days.

I was unable to take part in the looting this week, due to a bad back. There are strong arguments on both sides, but, on balance, I think the decision to burn down London was the correct one. And it was good to see Gloucester going up in flames.

NOT EVEN HULK HOGAN CAN PREVENT THIS ECONOMIC MELTDOWN

Let's look at some facts.



FACT 1: Ben Bernanke has more influence over economic policy than Hulk Hogan, the wrestler. I think that is probably safe to say.



FACT 2: Hulk Hogan is better at wrestling than the Fed Chair. This too is uncontroversial.



In sane world, Hulk Hogan would get Bernanke in a headlock and punch his ears until he agreed to cut interest rates. Then, a few months later, recovery! Hogan saves America.



But hold your horses, Mr Hulk. Ain't you never heard of a Liquidity Trap? Bernanke is constrained by the zero lower bound, you gristlehead, and cannot cut interest rates however much you punch his ears. He couldn't cut the Federal Funds rate if his life depended on it.



Back to the drawing board, Hulk.

THE BERNANKE GENERATOR

Flying cunt class from Bogota to Sao Paulo today, I made an important discovery. If you go through the Wall Street Journal, delete the word ``said'' from all the stories, and replace it with something else, the newspaper becomes about 15% less tedious.

For example:
-"We don't have a precise read on why this slower pace of growth is persisting," Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke whimpered.

-"We have no expectation or intention to get involved in state and local finance," Mr. Bernanke snarled.

-"This is really a political, fiscal issue," he chortled.

-"If we bail out one state, then all of the debt of all of the states is almost explicitly put on the books of the federal government," House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan yelped.

I'm trying to design The Bernanke Generator. You simply copy and paste your WSJ article, and it automatically converts it for you, free of charge. Bernanke sneered, Bernanke tittered, Bernanke roared, Bernanke guffawed, Bernanke sobbed...

Who shall decide when doctors disagree?

Brazil's government spent $9 million on a textbook which claims that ten minus seven equals four. "In reality, the correct answer is three," O Globo newspaper says, without revealing its source.

What do YOU think?

LOST IN TRANSLATION

``He [Dominique Strauss-Kahn] came out of the bathroom naked, ran down a hallway, pulled her into a bedroom and began to sexually assault her, according to her account. She pulled away from him and he dragged her down a hallway into the bathroom where he engaged in a criminal sexual act... He tried to lock her into the hotel room."

Back in France he could probably have laughed it off as a bit of horseplay that went too far, faults on both sides, lessons learned, etc. But not in the United States. Every time you try to have a little fun in that benighted country you get a vast army of meddlesome officials poking their long noses in, telling you where you can and can't smoke, and who you can and can't grope. Stand behind the yellow line, sir. I'm gonna need to see some ID, sir. Please put your pants back on, sir.

The French are always locking each other in hotel rooms and engaging in criminal sex acts. It's part of the laid-back Mediterranean lifestyle. But it was a serious error of judgement to try it in New York.

The wildest dreams of Kew are the facts of Khatmandhu
And the crimes of Clapham chaste in Martaban.

(If anyone knows where Martaban is, please send me an email. It sounds like a right laugh.)

Tequila and Pork Sausages Found in Bin Laden Lair, U.S. Officials Say

A crate of tequila and a copy of the Satanic Verses garnished with pork sausages were found in Bin Laden's lair (or den), U.S. intelligence officials say.

You might also enjoy The Daily Telegraph classic "Bin Laden Buys Child Slaves for his Drug Farm".

You know what, I'm really starting to go off Bin Laden.

BRITISH vs CHINESE PARENTING

Chinese parents:
"Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
• attend a sleepover
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the #1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin

...By the time Sophia was three, she was reading Sartre, doing simple set theory and could write one hundred Chinese characters… In 1997, when she was three, Sophia got her first piano lesson."

(From The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua.)

British parents:
"He [Arthur Waugh, father of Evelyn] suffered from asthma and was consequently no good at sport. [Alexander Waugh's] solution to his elder son's faiblesses was to enroll him on a toughen-you-up induction course based on the old-fashioned wisdom: ''Tis fear as makes 'em brave.'' To this end he forced his son to cling for his life to farm gates as he swung them violently back and forth, shouting ``Hold on, m'boy.'' He perched him on high branches, deserting him there for hours on end, and then would creep up behind him, blasting off both barrels of his gun just inches from his ear.

Dog-whipping and sudden explosions by his earhole had done nothing to sharpen his enthusiasm for the sport, so the Brute tried another ploy to arouse his interest. Every night for a week he dragged Arthur out of bed and pushed him into the damp gloom of a downstairs cupboard where, shivering in his pyjamas and doubtless crying like a baby, he was ordered to kiss his father's gun-case."

(From Fathers and Sons: The Autobiography of a Family, by Alexander Waugh.)


I would argue that the British method is superior at producing twitching, psychologically-maladjusted adults, while Chinese-style parenting is better at creating concert-level pianists with suicidal tendencies, reduced to playing in shopping malls and steak-houses due to the supply/demand mismatch.

It goes without saying that either approach is better than letting the young swine play Facebook and listen to "skiffle singers."

Inflation is running at a two-year high, but you can still buy a puff adder for £50 pounds. It isn’t all doom and gloom. Get one for your girlfriend and watch her face light up!

This economy makes no sense. I emailed Steve Levitt, author or Freak O’nomics to see if he knows the answer.

Sir, A poisonous snake costs £50, less than a train ride to York £119.50*. How do you explain that, if you’re so smart? Is it because puff adders and trains to York are “imperfect substitutes”? Ah, to hell with you. You and your damned theories.

He didn’t reply. I think I stumped him with that one. But one thing is clear: these snake traders must operate on wafer-thin margins.

Legal question: suppose I left one of these budget adders lying around my father’s house. And suppose he trod on it, and it bit the old anus, and I inherited his lands and flocks. Would that be a crime, technically? I mean, it’s an accident, right?

*Single, economy class. Mark Steel on Radio 4 said they need special training to ask for these prices with a straight face.

Wikileaks have published Colombian guerrilla commander Raul Reyes’ Yahoo mailbox:

-safe and secure viagra Canadian Pharmacy
-RE: REAL ESTATE AND TOURIST (INVESTMENT) Dr. Ken Johnson
-Escape to a romantic destination Yahoo! Travel
-You won £950.000! Yahoo! Mail congratulations YAHOO INTERNET LOTTERY

Interesting.

How is my first stock tip performing, one month on? Disappointingly, to be honest with you. Had you followed my advice and shorted 50 Cent's H&H Imports, you would have lost your entire investment already. Indeed, for every dollar invested, you would now be 22 cents in debt.

I underperformed the Dow Jones Industrial Average big time.

On the other hand, if you had done the opposite of what I said, you would have more than doubled your money. This 122 percent monthly return, compounded over three years, would give you $305 billion for every ten cents invested. After four years, your ten cents will grow to $4.2 thousand trillion dollars. You would never need to work again!

SHORT THIS STOCK!

Shares in H&H Imports, which sells handbags, rose 122% percent on Friday, then another 290% on Monday, after 50 Cent tipped the stock on Twitter.

Opportunities as good as this don't come along very often. The share has fallen by more than a third since then, but it's obviously going to fall a lot further. You're not betting against Goldman Sachs or George Soros here. If you short it, the people on the other side of the wager are 50 Cent fans!

Fans such as cervix209, who wrote: ``How do u get involved i wanna swoop up on dat shit too. Lol.''

Or ChiefKoboei, who said: ``if I get rich from ur advice I'm throwing a rooftop party and invitin you.''

We may not see another opportunity like this in our lifetimes.