HAIKU

Do not whinge about
Signal failures at Balham.
Turn puce with fury.

NORMAN CONQUEST DENIERS

Tim Worstall is banging on about something called the “Anti-Gallican League.”

“Dedicated to such absurd ideas as keeping French products, French dancing masters, French garlic and French “frickasees” out of a proper plain beef-eating nation...”

There used to be a movement called Saxonism which wanted to turn English back to a Germanic language. The tiresome sods wanted everyone to say “sunprint” instead of “photograph”; “tonewright” for “composer”; “birdlore” for “ornithology”; “bendsome” instead of “flexible”.

But there is no Saxon word for vol-au-vent and the movement collapsed in ignominy. And you have to admit that French phrases have a certain I-don’t-know-what. Saxonism got nowhere.

The I-R.A.S.C is simple, consisting of a circle of infra-red LEDs mounted on a headband. The infra red will cause CCTV cameras to flare out over the face of the wearer...

Gonna order one of these. You can make your head look like a burning ball of magnesium when you are waiting for the train.

Meanwhile, high above, Blair is circling the earth in his space rocket. He bangs his little fists on the monitors and howls with impotent rage when he realises you have defeated him.

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Fritzl, who turned 74 on Thursday, has been pestering the family he had with his wife Rosemarie to visit him behind bars so he can "reconcile" with them.

Some of the stuff said about Fritzl recently would be considered highly offensive if you said it about the Irish.

The Irish lock their daughters in underground cellars and rape them. The Irish hide their evil old faces behind blue folders.

If I said stuff like I’d probably be arrested under the Nanny State’s bonkers Racial and Religious Hatred Act, which makes it illegal to murder people for their religious beliefs.

But wait a minute! What are the police arresting me for? I’m not the one who raped his daughter. I’m not even Irish! Why aren’t they out there on the streets, trying to catch Fritzl?

The world’s gone mad.

THIS COUNTRY HAS REALLY GONE TO THE DOGS SINCE JADE GOODY DIED

Yesterday was the last day you could use the internet without the stinking government spying on you. In future I shall check my emails in a series of internet cafés, wearing a Mexican sombrero and dark glasses.

London is the most hellish place I have ever visited. Last time I counted there were five CCTV cameras pointed directly at my front door. These days you would need to be mad –literally insane- to travel on the Underground without a Mexican sombrero.

“Please report any suspicious behaviour to a member of staff.” Whenever I see one of their members of staff I take him to one side and whisper that some fucker keeps filming me. And you have to admit that’s suspicious.

Now when I travel I buy a ticket with my credit card then I pay cash for another ticket heading in the opposite direction. Last weekend, for example, I wanted to visit my old Mum in Norfolk, but I didn’t want the government to know that. So I bought a ticket to Scotland, sending the police haring off in the wrong direction, while I concealed myself in Tie Rack. Then, when the coast was clear, I boarded the Norfolk train wearing a false beard.

And the beauty of the scheme is that my mother doesn’t even live in Norfolk. It was somebody else’s mother! I am outwitting them at every turn.