YOU WON’T GET MUCH POONTANG WEARING A MARK STEYN T-SHIRT

The great Steyn has been reduced to selling t-shirts of his mad staring face, to help feed his family. Sorry, but I have a hard enough time getting laid as it is, even without bearded Canadian lunatics on my front. I doubt if even George Clooney could score in such a garment.

Or could he? While there undoubtedly exists a strong negative correlation between wearing t-shirts of conservative newspaper columnists and success in getting anyone to sleep with you, that doesn’t necessarily prove causation, and separating cause and effect would not be easy in this case.

THESE POLES AND SOMALIS ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME

It is true that I once met the Coppersblog, but it didn't happen at all like he said. And we certainly didn’t go to any “fashionable restaurants”.

It was a bright cold day in January, and I was getting mugged in Shepherd’s Bush by some Africans. Or they might have been East Europeans –these Poles and Somalis all look the same to me. This policeman was walking past on his way to the BBC, and I explained that I was middle class and asked if he wouldn’t mind dispersing them with his baton, tear gas, taser, Japanese fighting sticks... etc.

He said he would love to help, but he had to appear on the Simon Mayo show. Not to arrest Mayo -that would be too much to hope for- but to mouth off about the crime wave.

I told him he was a necessary evil, and with mutual expressions of esteem we parted.

FATHER OF MURDERED CHILD LOUSY AT POETRY

The father of that murdered 11-year-old has written the worst poem I have ever read.

“He didn't deserve this,” said the mother. “He was shot in the back of his neck from a shot from behind."

Many British 11-year-olds do deserve to be shot in the neck, but Rhys Jones was not of their number. The Prime Minister also claimed to be opposed to the killing, saying that those responsible will be "tracked down, arrested and punished".

Smart move there on Brown’s part, calling for the killers to be arrested. Had he come out in favour of shooting 11-year-olds it could have cost him votes in sentimental northern constituencies, where public opinion is overwhelmingly opposed to such shootings.

And the Chief Constable of Merseyside Police, Bernard Hogan-Howe, told Sky News: "For an 11-year-old boy to get shot and die is a terrible thing."

Wise and brave words.

When I was growing up in Jarrow in the 1930s we had an expression, “It goes without saying...” But that also went without saying, and the phrase fell into disuse. So by all means say stuff, if it makes you feel better.