What's this Scotch oaf singing about? Is it something thoughtful and edifying, or is it the usual lachrymose crap about mountains and bonnie glens?

“Yer a wee baw bag, ya jaw’s gettin’ ripped.”

I must admit, I thought that one was quite good. I’ll be using that one myself the next time I meet a wee baw bag.

"Ah wiz like that pure mad hangin oot the back of ya granny like that yass."

Apparently that just means, "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts."

ON THIS DAY

On this day in 1958, the town of Bournemouth got its first traffic bollard. It was unveiled by comedian Max Wall following a display by the Red Arrows. “The bollards are going up all over Europe,” he told the cheering crowd. “We shall not see them come down again in our lifetimes.”

Although this was Bournemouth’s first bollard, it was by no means its last! Today the town has more than 16,000 bollards, making it the bollard capital of the South West!

If you would like to learn more about bollards please contact Malcolm Wicks MP, at the Department of Trade and Industry. Not that he’ll know- he’s an absolute dumbarse.

Just noticed that those Power Line chaff-heads have been reduced to selling ‘conservative t-shirts’. You’d think their American lawyers' salaries would be enough to keep the wolf from the door, but no, they need more.

The t-shirts themselves aren’t so terribly side-splitting. Even I could write better conservative t-shirts than that, and I voted for the Liberal Democrats.

    

    

Just 20 sterlings each. All proceeds will go to the starving lawyers of America.

Colombia- had an interesting chat the other day with a wrinkled old Brazilian lunatic who earns a living as a “wizard”.

The paramilitaries employed him to cast spells on them, to “close their bodies” and make them immune to bullets. Several of them subsequently got shot and, would you believe it, they bled to death.

There are many things that science still can’t explain.

This Hitchens column really makes sense.

(Via "Shuggy")

MORE POLICE TO GET TASERS

John Reid told a Police Federation conference he wants non-firearms officers to have the devices, which stun suspects with a 50,000-volt shock.

Tasered anaesthetised hogs have found little permanent damage. The innocent have nothing to fear.

"The police service is facing unprecedented challenges... Tasers are used in incidents where officers are faced with violence..."

Bollocks. The gruesome Scotch brute would issue them with cattle prods and electric eels, if they wanted them, and a large American corporation was lobbying for it. He likes electrocuting people.

I'm moving to Finland. I mean it this time. I want my children to grow up in a land where they won't be electrocuted by Scotchmen.

BLAIR RESIGNS

If you had to sum up the Blair years in 90 seconds, I don't think this could be improved upon:

All this has taken place in the last couple of days:

-"Rapper Snoop Dogg has defended the semi-naked models who dance suggestively in hip-hop videos against accusations they are hos."

-"Snoop Dogg, one of Al Gore's hand-picked crew of rappers against global warming, is sure racking up a series of criminal offenses on his way to performing a July 7th Live Earth concert for carbon depletion."

-"Snoop Dogg hopes to produce Celine Dion."

-"Snoop Dogg considers wrestling career."

I read all of these articles from beginning to end, and I was hardly the wiser afterwards than before. Like Dogg, I am myself a keen supporter of semi-naked models, wrestling, dancing suggestively and carbon depletion, and am happy to make common cause with him on these issues. Not so keen on Celine Dion.

Killer Fact! Snoop Dogg is a member of the Campaign For Real Ale.

ELECTION RESULTS

Labour leader, Rhodri Morgan, holds Cardiff West. A 12.2% swing to the Scottish Nationalists in East Kilbride. Who gives a hooting hog? I can’t believe that even the people who live there are interested in this rubbish.

The 3rd of May 2007 will instead be remembered as the day that Beckham went on a £20,000 fashion frenzy with Relatively Posh, buying a £4,500 suit, £1,900 handmade shoes, and a diamond-encrusted emerald.

They were joined at a "swanky restaurant" by her old bandmates from the popular beat ensemble the Spice Girls, who had TV funnyman David Walliams in tow, for some reason or other.

There used to be a guy on Italian TV who would suck up to rich people at fashion shows, La Scala, etc., and say, wow, check out that coat! Look at that necklace! Are those rubies? How much is that worth? Then he would ask, “Why don’t you give it to the poor?”, and they would stand there looking greedy and stupid. It was most amusing.

BERNIE OGUS

“Tomorrow will be the happiest day of your life. Your new toaster is up and running, your new haircut widely praised...”

Not having anything more pressing to do, I’m trying to get some new chain letters going on YouTube. If you forward it to 700 people you will have luck in the New Year. But if you don't forward it...