WE CAME HERE TO LEARN ENGLISH, NOT PRANCE AROUND LIKE A BUNCH OF KANSAS CITY FAGGOTS

If you showed this to an ordinary person he would say, "What, in the name of Beelzebub...?" But show it to an English teacher and he would say, "Ah yes. The audio-lingual method."

This kind of nonsense is completely standard in the TEFL racket.

via Dog Bones

KNOB-HEADS

The Send A Pizza To An Israeli Soldier campaign has been a victim of its own success. The soldier in question has already received more than 20,000 pizzas and is suffering from cholesterol poisoning.

What kind of knob-head sends pizzas to the Israeli Army?

UPDATE! Someone told me that the pizza idea is funny because it will “irritate the lefties”. Well all right, but in that case why not send pizzas to the Republican Party or the board of British Petroleum? And surely there are more irritating things than a pizza. You could ring on a lefty’s doorbell and run away tittering, for example. Or hurl Milton Friedman's Monetary History Of The United States through his window, tied to a brick. Or cut though all the red tape and simply punch him on the nose.

Sending baked bread covered in cheese and tomatoes* to the Levant is going about it the long way, it seems to me.

*with optional toppings

DEATH HATH SO MANY DOORS...

"Christopher Hitchens will be executed at 12.00 noon GMT on 20 July."

The most chilling words I have ever read. It doesn't say whether he was to be shot, strangled, knifed or bludgeoned: death hath so many doors to let out life. On the other hand, he could also be garrotted, poisoned or thrown off a building. This last one has the advantage that it could be made to look like an accident, and if I were going to assassinate Hitchens that would probably be my method.

Or I might just let out a great bellow and charge at him with one of those Chinese meat cleavers. Yaarrrghh! That would wipe the smile off his face.

Though obviously I hope and pray this never happens.



Hitchens. Even as we speak he could be being shot, strangled, knifed, bludgeoned, poisoned, garrotted...

AMONG THE GITS

“I’m a Management Consultant,” said this git I spoke with on the phone just now. He sounded pleased with himself. Then I got transferred to a different git who claimed to be a “Systems Development Manager”, or something equally foul.

What does a Management Consultant look like? These must be the people you see going into offices, and getting on and off trains. But does anyone really know what they are up to? What if -and this is the nightmare scenario- their leader suddenly gives a signal, and they all come running out of their offices, zapping us with ray guns? They give me the heebie jeebies.

Apart from nurses and the Fire Brigade, the only people in the country who still do anything useful are the staff of Tesco. If it weren’t for them we’d have to kill our own food, if you think about it.

WEB OF WEASELS

When I was a child they wouldn't let us have a car so I never did learn to drive until I was older. That was the dark days when I had nowhere to stay. I slept in an old windmill for a while but they came and burnt it down one night so I had to hightail it out of there before they got me surrounded.

And so I arrived in the city with nothing but my dreams and a 38.

Arlington’s a genius. Everyone else on the internet makes me sick.

Toadies, rogues, poltroons, sheep-biters, louts, weasels...

KILLER FACT!

Serbia grows a third of the world’s raspberries*.

*A popular deciduous fruit prized for its fresh, fruity and bright red color. Not technically a berry.

STINKING YANKEE NARCISSISTS

Today is Colombian Independence day. I was talking to a guy at the airport the other day who told me the US is creating a quagmire in Colombia, as if the Colombians weren’t perfectly capable of organising their own quagmires. They’ve been having a quagmire ever since they got independence from Spain, and I resent the way these Americans try to claim the credit for everything.

Republicans claim the credit for everything good that happens, such as last year's Cedar Revolution, while Democrats claim the credit for everything bad, like the coup in Venezuela. The idea that the Lebanese and the Venezuelans might have had anything to do with it doesn’t compute.

Znet has 2240 articles about Colombia. Virtually all of them mention the US in the first paragraph; but try to find one that mentions an actual Colombian, an actual inhabitant of this Land of Quagmires. Yet surely the Colombians must have at least some role in their own civil war, however much the Americans stick their noses in.

I have come to the conclusion that no one really gives a toss about any of the countries down here, except as a way to keep talking about their big obsession, which is the United States.

You don't get many laughs at Andrewsullivan.com, but this is truly side-splitting.

NOTHING BUT ROGUERY IN VILLAINOUS MAN

Also of interest: True.com, "the only dating site that screens for felons and married people."

It's a wicked world, isn't it?



Add to cart

THE SKELETONS IN CLOSETS ARE THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG

"DontDateHimGirl.com, a controversial new website that lets women publicly out the men who cheat on them to avoid the heartache of dating the cad."

The skeletons in closets are coming home to roost! (Tom Stoppard.) All it takes is a few clicks, and some vindictive heifer you went out with during the Major administration can log in and expose you as a first-class swine.

This website represents the thin end of a very large wedge. I’ll probably get off lighter than most, since I have always tried to steer clear of women who speak English. But those of you who laughed at the misfortunes of Bill O’Reilly and poor Rod Liddle are going to get your comeuppance big time.

UPDATE!
Arrgh! Spoke too soon.

I HAVE NO NEED OF SUCH PRODUCTS

Any med for your girl to be happy!
Best love dr@gs!
Become a champion in bed!

Nine-tenths of the emails I get seem to be for dick-stiffening remedies. Is that about normal, or have I been singled out in some way?

I have no need of such products. And if I did, in South America you can buy this stuff called Sildenafil over the counter, which gives you the most monstrous diamond-cutter erections you could ever wish to see. Alternatively, it neutralises half a bottle of rum and allows one to sustain a perfectly adequate, if undistinguished, dong; one that, while it won’t win any awards, makes up in durability what it lacks as a prize marrow. (Side-effects include vomiting, blackouts and dementia.)

$3 a pop- cheap! Though, as I say, I have no need of such products. I would like to make that clear.

BEFORE


AFTER

THE LAND OF THE FREAK, AND THE HOME OF THE DEPRAVED

In the US of States more people watched a hot dog eating contest than the country’s first World Cup match. What a fine country. I think I might emigrate there.

Eating hot dogs is a sport rich in tactics and gamesmanship. It’s a battle of wits. It isn’t just a bunch of fatsos cramming sausages into their faces in a frenzy of gluttony, until the veins in their heads burst out. And even if it is, it’s still more interesting than, say, England vs. Ecuador.



Eric Booker, a 425-pound fat knacker from Long Island, holds eating records for pies and matzo balls. Where’s your Wayne Rooney now?



Sonya Thomas ate 65 boiled eggs in 6 minutes and 40 seconds. Her next bowel movement is scheduled for around the time of the next World Cup.

VALE OF TEARS

"Everybody’s been cheating and getting away with it," whines Rod Liddle.

Indeed. I caught some of the game yesterday, and the Portuguese were cheating toads. This man here, for instance, is blatantly trying to headbutt the ball, instead of kicking it with his boot like a Christian.



The referee missed it, and I turned over to Animal Planet in disgust. On the day that England lost to the mighty Portugal, some penguins got eaten by leopard seals. Even in the Antarctic this life is just a vale of tears.