MANY OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE BISHOPS

The new Archbish of York, our first black Archbishop. (Rowan Williams is our 201st white one.) I made a joke earlier about a Yorkshire Moor, but no one laughed. Pearls before swine, as the Bish would say. We’re not too big in pearls here in Wycombe, but there’s certainly no shortage of swine.

Most Church of England bishops are only in it for the money, but this guy actually seems to be religious. Said he was looking forward to “spreading the Christian message”. I hope he doesn’t turn out to be some kind of closet Jesus-freak.

KILLER FACT!

The annual execution rate for prisoners on death row in the US is 2%. The death rate for street-level drug sellers is 7%, so they would be safer on death row.

IS IT WRONG TO EXECUTE AUSTRALIANS?

“It's very much an individual choice I think, whether one executes.” (Peter Cook)

They are hanging Nguyen Tuong Van in the morning. I am not myself in favour of hanging Australians. I’m in favour of beheading them, but hanging is oafish. The government of Singapore has come in for a lot of criticism for this unpleasant fetish of theirs; but as long as they are sure, beyond all reasonable doubt, that he is Australian... As David C says in the comments, which of us can honestly put his hand on his heart and say that we haven’t at some time wanted to hang an Aussie? I know I have.

Let he who is without motes in his eye cast the first beam.

I don’t know why the government of Australia doesn’t string up a couple of Singaporeans in retaliation. That’s what I would do. It’s idiotic, but sometimes idiocy is all we have left.

KILLER FACT!

Among Hispanic immigrants in the United States Colombians are the best educated, followed by Cubans. Other Latin immigrants are almost as dumb as the natives, unfortunately.

Most educated of all are the Indians.

SILENCE!

Silences to be observed by UK citizens during the week beginning Nov 28th:

Monday- 10am: Tsunami victims (2 minute silence); 3pm: Ronnie Barker (1 min)
Tuesday- 11am: Gianni Versace (3 mins): 2 pm: Armenian Genocide (1 min)
Wednesday- 10am: African children, dysentery (1 min); 3pm: Enron shareholders (1 min)
HIV Thursday- 11am: landmine victims (1 min); 3pm: River Phoenix (2 mins)
Friday- 11am: Srebrenica massacre (1 min); 3pm: Paula Yates (cancelled)
Saturday- 11am: SARS (1 min); Robin Cook (4 mins)

Sunday will be left open for any bloodbaths and earthquakes that may arise during the week. Failure to observe silences will result in an on-the-spot fine. Thank you for your co-operation.

VOTE NOW

Are you a Trotskyite, a Ba'athist or a Dixiecrat? Have your say. Take part in Bogol's cretinous online poll.

ONE OF THEM

I thought Brownie of Harry's Place was one of us. He turns out to be... one of them.

"You can keep your Chopin, Sistine Chapel and Da Vinci sketches. If I want to see a real artist at work, I’ll put on a video and watch George Best drop a shoulder as he rounds the Benfica goalkeeper in 1968... God used to think he was omnipotent, then at 3 o-clock on November 25th 2005, he saw George Best doing keepie-up in Paradise."

I suppose this kind of thing is very moving if you’re from the north, or somewhere like that. On eBay they are auctioning an empty bottle of Château Haut Brion Pessac-Léognan 1982 that Best once poured over his dick to celebrate his hat-trick against West Ham. (Actually, it was Miss Canada who did the pouring; but at Best's behest.)

Best was also one of them. In fact, it wouldn't be much of an exaggeration to say that George Best, Miss Canada and Brownie of Harry's Place were three of them.

A DRINKER WITH A FOOTBALLING PROBLEM

George Best, the bon vivant, has died. He would generally start the day with kippers and a pint of Scotch. During the morning he would drink three or four pints of beer. He would have a bottle of wine with his lunch, then a quart of ale to tide him through the afternoon. After dinner he would drink a bottle of champagne, then half a bottle of Scotch before bed. And, would you believe it, he's dead.

If you ask me, he was in danger of becoming an alcoholic.

Now that we’ve finally got rid of the tiresome sod there’s going to be a big outbreak of weeping northerners, bless their warm little hearts. Mercifully, it will probably take the form of standing in silence with a stupid solemn expression, wiping away a manly tear, rather than all-out Liverpudlian-style blubbering. I’d love to tell you some anecdotes about how I used to stand on the terraces wi’ me old Dad, eatin’ pies; but I’m afraid I don’t have any.

I will say this for George Best: though in many ways a nuisance, he was charm itself compared to the rapists, coke-heads and wife-beaters who followed.

KILLER FACT!

35 per cent of MIT undergraduates are Asians.

I LIKE BOYS OF MIXED RACE, SLOBBERS REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR

"After watching the mulattoes shake it I can understand why Brazil is totally devoted to my favorite body part, the ass," said Arnold [Schwarzenegger].

In Brazil a mulato is a boy or man of mixed race. And, as luck would have it, many of the girls of mixed race (mulatas) also turn out, on closer inspection, to be boys of mixed race. Schwarzenegger is Austrian, of course.

Discovering that your new girlfriend has a dick could ruin the whole holiday, if you were square about it. But my view has always been that you win some and you lose some, and you should try to be gracious about it. Almost any perversion, however sickening, is good for a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon, or a weekend in Rio (or France). As long as you don’t go on and on about it, or structure your whole lifestyle around forcing falafel up your rear-loader, to take an example at random, I say it’s all good; get stuck in. I would draw the line at dogging, however.

What the Governor of California gets up to in the privacy of Club Oba Oba is perfectly vile. But as long as it isn’t a drain on the public purse, that is no concern of mine.

He’s my kind of Republican.

EVERYONE LOVES A CANNIBAL

"Everyone loves a cannibal – at a safe distance, of course." (Anthony Daniels)

"There is no life without a double life. And yet one grows weary." (Tim Parks)

"Tue, 12 Apr
Few things warm the heart so much as the death of a dog." (Hemlock)

Some opening lines I have come across recently.

UPDATE! As a dog lover, I would like to distance myself from that last one. But change dog to doggone tennis player and I would run it up the flagpole and salute. Tennis players contribute nothing to the planet and should be exterminated, in my opinion. All they do is mince around making retarded remarks such as “thirty-love”, wasting everyone’s time and acting like they own the place. I really hate them, to be honest with you.

There are two things in this world I will not tolerate: tennis players, and the people who hide them.

SEE ALSO:

QANTAS: it's Australian for dingo's excrement

and

The London Underground Song

MAKING THE BEST OF A BAD DO

2005: Blogged is in the shops. I went to a book-signing session this afternoon at Waterstones in the Charing Cross Road. They didn’t have it, but I managed to write my name in sixteen copies of Krugman’s The Great Unravelling before I got slung out.

BRITISH AIRWAYS- I’LL SHOW THOSE FUCKS

Going on a trip? Don’t forget to take some cigarette butts in your hand luggage. Leave them lying around the plane, it really pisses them off. They can’t work out why their nerdish smoke detectors aren’t working, and the look on their miserable faces sends my pleasure sensors soaring. I’ll show those fucks.



One time on BA this twerp came on the intercom to denounce me. He was all, “One of you filthy animals in Economy was smoking. We know who you are, please don’t fly again with British Airways.” But he didn’t know who I was, for once again I had outwitted them. One day I’m going to sneak on board with a jar of bees. Hopefully they'll swarm up to Business Class and sting everyone to buggery. It will be the last thing they're expecting.

No one likes airlines. You could be a surgeon or a Crown Court judge, but the moment you set foot in an airport you’ll be treated like a mutinous ten-year old on a school outing. The pre-flight nagging now goes on for twenty minutes. “For your comfort and safety, and the safety of other passengers, we would ask that you chew your complimentary peanuts eight times before swallowing, with your seatbelt fastened.” Shut it, you whore, before I wring your neck. Contrary to your ludicrous claims, it is not possible to bring down a Boeing 747 with a Marlborough Light. Believe me, I’ve tried. And could you ask that pilot to shut his cake hole? He’s been badgering us for about five minutes now with his wretched droning, and if I’m exposed to much more of it I’m going to bite someone.

Who does he think he is?

LINKS

-Urban 75

-Prison facts

-50 Cent and Tim Worstall both have books out.

BERKSHIRE, HOME OF THE MORON

Open letter to Rob Wilson MP, Member of Parliament for Reading East:

Dear Sir,
I was in your constituency last week and it was a right dump. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Only a poltroon would represent such a place.

My friend Kevin says that Reading was on our side during the war. This is a preposterous argument. The war ended over a hundred years ago. You can’t keep blaming the Germans every time something goes wrong. The world has moved on. Wake up!

And who is that retard with the stick who’s always banging on bins and howling in the shopping precinct? Is he a relation of yours? Why can’t you do something about him? He’s a flaming idiot. So is everyone else in your festering town, come to think of it. What a dog hole.

Yours faithfully,



Harry Hutton (tax-payer)

KILLER FACT!

Americans are getting thinner, reversing a decades-long trend. In 2002, 64% of the population were porkers*. But this has now plunged to 62%, and is continuing to fall, leading to fears that the Evil Bush is starving everyone to death. Only two years ago fatness pundits were predicting that the American arse would keep expanding to infinity.

The Chinese, meanwhile, continue to get richer and fatter.

*This is why they are known as “the masses”.

HITCHENS

Mad dog Hitchens at the Christian Family Research Council.



That’s virgin on the ridiculous. Or, at least, virgins next to the ridiculous.

THE TERRORISTS IN CLOSETS ARE COMING HOME TO ROOST

Email to the Scottish National Party:
Sir, I was disappointed to see you voting against the terror bill. Why would the police arrest someone if he wasn’t a terrorist? You don’t seem to have thought this through.

For the terrorists who threaten our way of life, ninety days isn't long enough. It should be ninety months. It’s idiotic, but idiocy in the defence of freedom is no vice. If it saves just one child's life it will be worth it. What about ordinary hard-working families? Who speaks for them?

I personally can’t stand ordinary hard-working families. But you are supposed to be looking out for them.

The terrorists in closets are coming home to roost.



The Scottish National Party replies:
MPs did not vote against the terror bill - they only voted against one part of it. The issue at stake was not whether the police should be allowed to arrest people because they believe them to be terrorists, it was about whether the law should be changed to allow people to be held without charge for up to 90 days. No evidence was put forward by the government to support this proposal, and that is why the majority of MPs votes against it.

The SNP had further concerns about this proposal because the government ignored the fact that Scotland has a separate legal system and did not consult the senior law officer in Scotland to establish whether their plans were were legal under Scots law.

In those circumstances I hope you can understand that the SNP had no option but to vote as we did.

Regards

Mhairi Hunter
SNP Policy Unit



To: the Scottish National Party
Thank you very much. That’s a weight off my mind.
God be wi' ye.

London- I often see Peter Hitchens cycling down my street, on his way to the Daily Mail. Next time he goes past my gate I’m going to heave half a brick at him, and he’ll be able to write an article about declining moral values.

KILLER FACT!

From the financial markets, a basket of barrels this week:

Barrel of crude- $59
Barrel of Evian water- $500
Barrel of orange juice (London prices)- $927
Barrel of dogs*- $1,342
Barrel of Hewlett-Packard printer ink- $470,638

*Assuming 18 litre dogs, priced at $38 a paw. Our allies consider it good sport to shoot the poor beasts. That's so easy it's like shooting dogs in a barrel, they say. Which just shows the total hypocrisy of the Bush regime: they lecture the rest of us on human rights, then roar with sadistic laughter as they shoot dogs in barrels.


UPDATE! An email arrives:

Dear Limey Asshole,
We Americans do shoot dogs, so that, in their absence, we can enjoy the finer things in life. And after a hard day’s bombing stuff and gunning down defenceless hounds, we like nothing better than to unwind with a big ole cigar and a barrel of Hewlett-Packard printer ink.

Try the 85, if you get the chance. Undertones of oak perfectly complement the lead chromate.

Have a great day, ya hear!

HA HA!

Throw him in the Thames, the wanker.

UPDATE! Then run him out of town like a common pygmy.

KILLER FACT!

If you appeared before magistrates in 2004 you had a 4% chance of getting jailed per court appearance (more, if you done it.) Summary motoring offences make up 50% of total court proceedings in the UK. The average magistrate is 57 years old and sent six and half people to jail last year. 93.3% of magistrates are white.

Nothing wrong with that, of course. Many of my best friends are whites.

A TURRET OF ONE'S OWN

For some reason, Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmood Abbas (a.k.a. Abu Mazen) has a big Star of David in front of his house. This is Al-Rimal, Gaza City’s most exclusive neighbourhood, the Kensington of the Gaza Strip. The building on the right of the photo is Abu Mazen’s pad, commanding great views of some dust.

I don’t know how the Star of David came to be there. There’s another one in Rafah camp, supposedly a “Hamas stronghold”. No one seems to mind.

Nor could I ever discover who lives in that mock turret thing next door to Abu Mazen. Even P. Diddy would regard such a building as being in questionable taste.

I would love to have my own turret, though.



UPDATE! Eagle-eyed readers have spotted that this post is complete bilge. That’s not a Star of Dave, but some other kind of star.

Apologies to Dave for any distress this caused.

KILLER FACT!

Arson attacks in France increased by 2,500% between 1993 and 2000. And cases of arson in Britain rose 200,000% during the 20th century.

The West is losing the War on Arson, along with the War on Drugs, the War on Terror, the War on Fare Dodgers, and some other wars I don’t remember right now. Is it time to consider decriminalisation? Making it illegal just drives it underground and gives it a false glamour, like filleting haddock on a wooden surface*. If burning stuff down were legal it could be taxed and controlled, as in Holland. There was a most interesting piece about it in The Economist.

*Banned by the 1990 Food Safety Act, since when cases of food poisoning have obviously rocketed.

THIS COUNTRY'S REALLY GONE TO HELL SINCE WE STOPPED BURNING PAPISTS

Four hundred years ago today a bunch of religious headbangers tried to blow up London. How times have changed.

Killer Fact! Five of the gunpowder plotters were blood relations of William Shakespeare. And Macbeth is full of refererences to the fifth of November. Shakespeare also wrote these lines, as a warning to children on Bonfire Night:

The boy stood on the burning deck,
His pocket full of crackers,
One fell down between his legs,
And blew off both his knackers.

DOM JOLY DIPLOMACY

On August 15th, in the Poliedro de Caracas, Chavez said he was going to sneak up behind Bush and shout "Boo!" in his ear hole, at the Summit of the Americas. He hasn't done yet, but he might, and if he does it will be the first time in history that someone has shouted boo into the ear hole of a sitting US President.

It's an unorthodox way of conducting diplomacy, but I'm sure Bush will see the joke.


High-spirited crowds turn out to greet Bush.

UPDATE! Seriously, he really did say that. Though it wasn't exactly "Boo!" It was more sort of "Wah!" But there's no point quibbling: it's extremely good in either version. I doubt if Bush has ever said anything that witty.

I've never really watched EastEnders. Which one's "Dirty Den"?

NEWS!

-Arlington’s clowan story has ended. "Barely even gibberish, obviously the work of a lunatic." (The Evening Standard.) But forward it to twenty of your friends and you will have luck in the New Year.

-Could Gonzales tell us more? Greg Sargent ponders a legal but pie-in-the-sky scenario for the Fitzgerald investigation.

What? Who? Every tiresome pipsqueak with a website is mouthing off about some boring scandal in America. As far as I can make out, all that happened was that some slippery fellows in suits committed perjury, obstructed justice, sold rifles to the Apaches, etc. There’s the usual ham-fisted thuggery and Clouseau-like bungling from the Bush administration, but no love triangles, no falafel, no bawdy amusement of any kind. I filed it under important, but not to me.

-And speaking of bawdy amusement, our fun-loving Minister of Pensions has resigned again. Mad Dog Blair made some speech.

-Rebekah Wade is a slapper.

KILLER FACT!

Jesuits were banned in Switzerland until 1973.

KILLER FACT!

Canada is the world's biggest exporter of zinc.