THE SAFEST INVESTMENT

The only really safe investment is wine, at times like these. If it goes up, you make a profit; and if it goes down you can drink it. Whereas when your shares or your nickel futures crash, that's that. The money has somehow vanished out of existence, as though you had you set fire to a pile of £50 notes.

Just this afternoon, while the bond markets were panicking, I invested in a case of Tesco Lambrusco Rosé Light (was £5 a bottle, now £2.35) and some Peruvian chardonnays (maison fondée en 1998; 39 Clubcard points.) These vintages could easily have doubled in value by the time I retire in 2035.

The key to understanding the Eurozone crisis is this: the ECB aren't incompetent; they are sadists. Until you've grasped that, none of it makes any sense. They want people to starve to death.

Links:
-Fine wine investments
-Tesco special offers

England, 2011

The Prime Minister, the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the Mayor of London were all in the Bullingdon Club, we're occupying Kabul, our parliament still has bishops in it, and now we’re preparing for war with the Persians.

On the other hand, it looks as though the ban on monarchs marrying papists may soon be lifted.

The heart always sinks when South Americans say they are preparing the traditional dish of some province. You know you're in for beans again, perhaps with offal and fried snout of pig.

If you're lucky, you might also get some foul root which, because it tastes worse than hyena anus, they think is an aphrodisiac.

Them bankers, at Goldman Sachs and that, they should pay them bankers the same wages our boys get in Afghanistan.

Stay tuned. More opinions later.

William Perez, Colombian politician / mobster, was released from jail 54 times for dental work.

That’s a lot of dental work. He must look like Liberace by now.

INSANE HATRED OF CYCLISTS

The driver in this clip turned out to be an employee of Brazil's central bank, which has raised interest rates at all five of its policy meetings this year. The under-explored relationship between hawkish monetary policy and insane hatred of cyclists would make an interesting study.

When I first suggested filling Chicago airport with millions of bees, tended by former convicts, they all said I was mad. They said the same about Christopher Columbus.



I refused to take no for an answer. Like Luther Vandross nailing a worm to a church door, I could do no other. I’m going to fill that airport with bees, I said, whatever the cost, whoever gets hurt.



And today, my friends, that dream came true.