Wikileaks have published Colombian guerrilla commander Raul Reyes’ Yahoo mailbox:

-safe and secure viagra Canadian Pharmacy
-RE: REAL ESTATE AND TOURIST (INVESTMENT) Dr. Ken Johnson
-Escape to a romantic destination Yahoo! Travel
-You won £950.000! Yahoo! Mail congratulations YAHOO INTERNET LOTTERY

Interesting.

How is my first stock tip performing, one month on? Disappointingly, to be honest with you. Had you followed my advice and shorted 50 Cent's H&H Imports, you would have lost your entire investment already. Indeed, for every dollar invested, you would now be 22 cents in debt.

I underperformed the Dow Jones Industrial Average big time.

On the other hand, if you had done the opposite of what I said, you would have more than doubled your money. This 122 percent monthly return, compounded over three years, would give you $305 billion for every ten cents invested. After four years, your ten cents will grow to $4.2 thousand trillion dollars. You would never need to work again!

SHORT THIS STOCK!

Shares in H&H Imports, which sells handbags, rose 122% percent on Friday, then another 290% on Monday, after 50 Cent tipped the stock on Twitter.

Opportunities as good as this don't come along very often. The share has fallen by more than a third since then, but it's obviously going to fall a lot further. You're not betting against Goldman Sachs or George Soros here. If you short it, the people on the other side of the wager are 50 Cent fans!

Fans such as cervix209, who wrote: ``How do u get involved i wanna swoop up on dat shit too. Lol.''

Or ChiefKoboei, who said: ``if I get rich from ur advice I'm throwing a rooftop party and invitin you.''

We may not see another opportunity like this in our lifetimes.

LOCO HAROLD UPDATE

I put out an alert asking for information about Loco Harold, and five days later he was shot like a pig, in the company of his friend ''Knife''.

They were offering $2.5 million for Mr Knife* and an Amazon gift voucher for Harold. Personally, I would have given them probation, instead of shooting them like a pair of pigs.

*Señor Knife, in Spanish.


CORRECT!
As Laban the Tall points out, this post is a shoddy piece of crap, which compromises this site’s credibility as a serious news source. Loco Harold was no more shot like a pig than I was. They merely flung him in jail. And Mr Knife wasn't shot like a pig either. He seems to have drowned after police chased him into a river.

I would like to apologise to Loco Harold’s family for any distress I may have caused.

EL LOCO HAROLD

Colombian police are looking for El Loco Harold. There's a reward if you know where he is.



I haven’t seen Loco Harold since Klosters in 1995 when he lost a wager with Percy Dingethorpe about who could fit the most snow down his salopettes, and Boris Johnson got his foot stuck in an alpine horn.

Of course, back then he was known as non-payment-of-council-tax Harold. We were at Eton together. Frightful cad. Used to cut the nose off the stilton.

And now he's gone and joined the Colombian paramilitaries, the dog. Doesn't surprise me. Doesn't surprise me in the least.

You know what? This isn’t the same guy.

Steve Gerrard has a hamstring injury. Meanwhile, Turkey is trying to devalue its currency.

The obvious solution would be to give Gerrard a job as president of the Turkish central bank. His hamstring would get some rest, and the Turkish lira would plunge as investors bail out.

They pay me to solve problems.

ANOTHER HOLIDAY RUINED BY CROCODILES

JOHANNESBURG (AP) — An acclaimed outdoorsman who wrote movingly about testing himself against nature is presumed dead after a crocodile snatched him from his kayak while he led an American expedition from the source of the White Nile into the heart of Congo.

You're not safe anywhere these days.