BIG SAUSAGE PIZZA

Dost thou renounce the devil and all his works, the vain pomp and glory of the world, with all covetous desires of the same, and the carnal desires of the flesh, so that thou wilt not follow, nor be led by them?

If not, you may be interested to know that Big Sausage Pizza* volume 20 is out on DVD. A lot of people felt that the Big Sausage series lost its way after volume seven, but now they are back on track with a new director and some great new plots.

The key to writing a Big Sausage Pizza script, in my opinion, is finding a plausible scenario in which a man might wish to stick his genitals through a pizza in the first place, other than sheer horseplay.

In the old days, back in 2005, a pizza delivery boy in southern California would ring on the door, then a chick answers in a see-through dressing gown and says, hey, why don’t y’all carve a hole in this ole pizza, then y’all put your meaty sausage through it? Then the chick would invariably make some trite remark about how his “sausage” is even more mouth-watering than the pizza, delicious though the latter was.

But that just isn’t cutting it anymore. Real life simply isn’t like that.

The worst one was the one in which the guy shows up with a pizza but, wait a minute, these aren’t the toppings she ordered! The chick doesn’t like olives or something. So she threatens to have him fired, and he’s terrified of losing his job, so to placate her he makes a hole in the pizza and whips out his knob and says, “How about this topping?” Then she comes back with, “Here, let me give you your tip.” Preposterous.

That was volume 13, if memory serves.

*Hobby in which the man is fellated through a hole in a pizza, said to be the fastest-growing perversion in Canada.

Sorry I haven’t updated. I spent the last three weeks getting drunk to celebrate the election of Joe Biden as America’s 47th white vice-president. I never thought I’d live to see the day. Me and some other whites went out for a drink, then after a few port and lemons Giles Poncington (a pasty acquaintance of mine) starts asking if Biden is white enough. This led to a sharp exchange of views with Biffo Dingethorpe, who argued that Boris Johnson is even whiter than Biden, and yet a bigger arse-head you shall not see in a summer’s day.

The discussion soon degenerated into a snarling melee between the Whites and the Very Whites, and to cut a long story short I just got out on bail this morning.

LIVEBLOGGING THE ELECTION

8.01- Obama has won the first 1% of Indiana. Big whoop. Only a turkey would live in Indiana.

8.03- McCain wants to cut taxes for decent hard-working Americans. How right the Vietnamese were to bayonet him!

8.04- I went to Vietnam for a holiday and not once did I get bayoneted. Not once. The secret? I didn’t go around dropping bombs on them.

8.05- If there’s one thing I can't stand it’s decent hard-working Americans.

8.06- Indecent slothful Americans I don't mind so much.

8.07- Wolf Blitzer is pointing at a pie chart.

8.09- Wolf Blitzer. Morton Kondrake. Why do Americans have these fucking idiotic names?

8.20- What time is Obama going to make his moving speech? Obviously I hope he wins, though I know he’s going to spend the next four years getting on my tits. Bush has been more disastrous than a plague of locusts, but at least he didn’t go around boring everyone to death.

8.22- Bush! I'd forgotten all about that tosser.

8.23- You could release 1,000 gang bangers from US jails, give each banger a wrecking ball and tell him that he had 8 years to do as much wrecking as he pleased, and between them they would still do less damage than Bush has done.

8.26- And yet, the damage he caused wasn’t infinite. A million bangers with wrecking balls would be more ruinous even than Bush. So the amount of damage, measured in wrecking ball years must be some number in between. In principle it ought to be possible to arrive at a precise figure, had I but world enough and time.

8.35- Bush still has a 20% approval rating. Who are all these people who approve of him? Who look at the dog's breakfast he has made of everything and think, yes, of this I approve? President Bush, I salute you!

8.51- CNN is calling it for Obama. The question is no longer, “Is America ready for its first black president?" It is, “Is America ready for the assassination of its first black president?" (got that from Jeremy Hardy on the News Quiz)

8.59- "Jonah Goldberg, in his role as television-raised idiot manchild of The Right, has been posting weird movie clips all day." I pass this on, for anyone who is interested.

10.42- Obama has lost Arkansas. There is now no way for him to win, unless he takes Maine.

10.48- I'm calling it for Ralph Nader.

10.54- Pretty convenient old grandma Obama croaking the night before the election, wouldn’t you say? Not that I necessarily believe that there was any foul play.

10.59- Heaven knows, I’m no pinko. People who steal toffees would be flogged in the public square if I were in charge. And yet I have always felt the most boiling hatred for the Republican party.

11.02- Ha ha. McCain lost. What an arsehole. I'd like to pelt the cantankerous old git with fruit.

11.20- Michelle Malkin: "Here’s my promise to you: As long as I can still publish a blog and speak my mind openly about the next denizen of the White House, I will."

Malkin will not be muzzled. That's a load off my mind.

1.17- End live blogging. Off to Bedfordshire.

QUICK QUIZ

Q. Which character in The Wire said, “I’m just a humble motherfucker with a big-ass dick?”

A. Trick question! It was Winston Churchill.

Nouriel Roubini, the professor who predicted the financial crisis in 2006, said the U.S. will suffer its worst recession in 40 years, causing the rally in the stock market to "sputter".

I had my first jujitsu class today, to prepare for a future of fighting for bread crusts and potato peelings. I can now defend myself against a wheezing mendicant who attacks me in slow motion and tries to grab my lapels.

I’m going to get more than my share of crusts. Vote Republican, by the way.

In a Lilliluptian act of malice, the Instapundit has posted a poll asking, “On a scale of insufferability, how much more insufferable will the Nobel make Paul Krugman?”

On a scale of pathetic that’s on a level with letting down Krugman’s bicycle tyres and running away sniggering, or shaving Krugman's cat.

That will show him!

NOBEL PRIZE FOR ECONOMICS

I really thought I was in with a chance this year, but they gave it to Krugman.

OK, so Krugman is better than I am at economics, but I have had more women than he has. I don’t suppose I have had as many women as Shaggy, the popular entertainer, but Shaggy knows dick-all about trade theory. That thought is a great comfort to me.

When the media rank Krugman, Shaggy and me according to our various abilities I always come second, be it knowledge of trade theory, the number of scrubbers we have had, ability at reggae singing or wrestling skills. I come second in every instance.



-"What are you going to do to cash in on your newfound fame?"
-"I'm going to Disneyland!"