PRESIDENT URIBE EXTRADITES HIS MILLIONTH COLOMBIAN

Uribe has extradited another 14 people on drug-trafficking charges, for a total of 1,000,004 drug traffickers extradited since he took office.

“I will not rest until I have extradited the entire Colombian population,” Uribe told a cheering crowd in Bogota.

Unfortunately, Colombians continue to be born faster than he can extradite them. And as long as the Colombian birth rate remains higher than the extradition rate, he'll never really make a dent in the problem, say experts.

I’ll tell you what. He'd better not try to extradite me. If he extradites me, I swear to God I’ll extradite him.

So anyway, some Americans tried to write “laissez-faire” on Starbucks gift cards, for some reason, but they couldn't because this violates company policy, for some other reason.

Why would anyone want to write laissez-faire on a Starbucks gift card? Why would anyone else want to stop them? Reading this I realised that I no more understand American culture than I understand the headhunting tribes of Borneo.

“I'm still hoping that it was all a computer glitch,” says a thinker from the Cato Institute, “and that some day my latte-drinking, non-tax-hiking friends will be able to get their very own customized Starbucks gift card with "Laissez Faire" emblazoned on it...”

I was wondering how I would explain any of this to a tribesman from Borneo, if he asked me, but the only explanation I can come up with is that they are all out of their fucking minds.

Michelle Malkin was so angry about it that she switched to coffee from Dunkin Donuts. “Dunkin’: Tastes good, cheaper, and good for national security. Drink up!”

If anyone can translate that into Sea Dayak, you win a year's supply of shrunken heads. (Entries in Land Dayak will not be accepted, due to company policy.)

Having trouble understanding what Malkin is talking about.

GO JOHNSONS!

I didn’t vote, but I strongly supported Johnsons on the grounds that the sooner London burns down or crumbles into the sea the better. I had always hoped that God or an asteroid would obliterate the place, but, given that they haven’t, Johnsons is the next best thing.

York is the true capital of England.

A six-year old boy in Virginia has been accused of sexual harassment:

"Randy Castro is in the First Grade. But, at the ripe old age of six, he’s been declared a sex offender... he slapped a classmate on her bottom."

Seduction guru David Deangelo writes:

"Randy has fallen at the first hurdle here. When I was six I was getting pussy left and right, and so can Randy, if he follows these simple steps.

Firstly he needs to improve his self-esteem by getting a job he enjoys, picking up some fashionable new clothes, and going to the gym to do something about his paunch. If he’s bald, Randy should wear it like it makes him who he is.

Then he needs to go to a cocktail bar and strut in like he owns the damn place. When the waitress brings him his third margarita, he should say to her "Hey, are you stalking me?"

Remember, women want what they can’t have. So instead of slapping her ass like a Turk, Randy should demonstrate lack of interest by throwing her a couple of “negs”. Negs are comments intended to lower the target’s self-esteem to the point where she will consider sleeping with you. Something like, “You don’t sweat much for a fat chick.” Or “You smell like my gardener in South Africa.” She’ll be intrigued.

Then you just talk crap about palm-reading and astrology for twenty minutes, and you’re in.

That will be $2,000, please."


A bald man with a woman. Nice work, baldy!

KISS MY SWINGERS

Delta Airlines can kiss my swingers.

HEF

Hugh Hefner is 82 today. Is there another person on the planet who has made such a monumental tit of himself over so many years? Perhaps there is a tribe in Peru that can boast an even bigger tit, but if there is I have never heard of him.

When you reach 82 it is more dignified to crap yourself in a supermarket rather than be filmed hobbling around in a dressing gown in the middle of the afternoon with a bunch of teenage sluts. I, for one, would certainly prefer to soil myself in Tesco, given the choice.

By the time Mozart was Hef’s age he had already been dead for 47 years, having composed 41 symphonies and 22 operas. Hef is still alive, and he hasn’t even written a piano sonata, the useless fuck.

Ah, you reply. But Mozart didn’t launch any magazines with grown women dressed in rabbit costumes.

Well, what of it? I never said that he did.

MODEL OF THE DAY

I ran into Colombian supermodel Natalia Paris the other day, at a charity fashion show to raise money for paramilitary killers. She was modelling Gucci’s new range of beekeeping clothing. I was wearing my Latin Quarter hat and a t-shirt that said, “Skateboarding is not a crime.”

Nice girl, but I don't see our relationship going anywhere long term. I’d give her maybe 8 and 10 for the boat race, and 9 out of 10 for the body. But knowledge of Pushkin was 0 out of 10, so I threw her out on her ear.