A six-year old boy in Virginia has been accused of sexual harassment:

"Randy Castro is in the First Grade. But, at the ripe old age of six, he’s been declared a sex offender... he slapped a classmate on her bottom."

Seduction guru David Deangelo writes:

"Randy has fallen at the first hurdle here. When I was six I was getting pussy left and right, and so can Randy, if he follows these simple steps.

Firstly he needs to improve his self-esteem by getting a job he enjoys, picking up some fashionable new clothes, and going to the gym to do something about his paunch. If he’s bald, Randy should wear it like it makes him who he is.

Then he needs to go to a cocktail bar and strut in like he owns the damn place. When the waitress brings him his third margarita, he should say to her "Hey, are you stalking me?"

Remember, women want what they can’t have. So instead of slapping her ass like a Turk, Randy should demonstrate lack of interest by throwing her a couple of “negs”. Negs are comments intended to lower the target’s self-esteem to the point where she will consider sleeping with you. Something like, “You don’t sweat much for a fat chick.” Or “You smell like my gardener in South Africa.” She’ll be intrigued.

Then you just talk crap about palm-reading and astrology for twenty minutes, and you’re in.

That will be $2,000, please."


A bald man with a woman. Nice work, baldy!

KISS MY SWINGERS

Delta Airlines can kiss my swingers.

HEF

Hugh Hefner is 82 today. Is there another person on the planet who has made such a monumental tit of himself over so many years? Perhaps there is a tribe in Peru that can boast an even bigger tit, but if there is I have never heard of him.

When you reach 82 it is more dignified to crap yourself in a supermarket rather than be filmed hobbling around in a dressing gown in the middle of the afternoon with a bunch of teenage sluts. I, for one, would certainly prefer to soil myself in Tesco, given the choice.

By the time Mozart was Hef’s age he had already been dead for 47 years, having composed 41 symphonies and 22 operas. Hef is still alive, and he hasn’t even written a piano sonata, the useless fuck.

Ah, you reply. But Mozart didn’t launch any magazines with grown women dressed in rabbit costumes.

Well, what of it? I never said that he did.

MODEL OF THE DAY

I ran into Colombian supermodel Natalia Paris the other day, at a charity fashion show to raise money for paramilitary killers. She was modelling Gucci’s new range of beekeeping clothing. I was wearing my Latin Quarter hat and a t-shirt that said, “Skateboarding is not a crime.”

Nice girl, but I don't see our relationship going anywhere long term. I’d give her maybe 8 and 10 for the boat race, and 9 out of 10 for the body. But knowledge of Pushkin was 0 out of 10, so I threw her out on her ear.

Tom Raworth sent me this picture of Peter Andre going down on Hillary Clinton. If genuine, it could do enormous damage to Andre’s career, whatever it is that he does. So keep it under your hat.

Seriously, what does he do, that guy? Going around London with his shirt unbuttoned while being Australian isn’t his whole career, surely? I had the idea that he was something to do with the Liberal Democrats, but my friend Kevin says he thinks he saw him in that Riverdance thing.

Either way, I admire him a lot.



Peter Andre with a mystery woman.

KILLER FACT!

"Between 30 and 45 paparazzi work Britney on any given night."

OAF OF THE MONTH

What a frightful oaf.

UPDATE! Anyway, it isn’t even true that women go for powerful men. Even when I claim to be a Hedge Manager, Sultan of Zanzibar, etc., they still won’t let me anywhere near their action. How does “Hitchens” explain that?

And why does this kind of relationship never work the other way round? You would never catch Peter Andre giving head to Hillary Clinton, for example. Why not? I mean, from an anthropologist's point of view, why not? Someone must know.

Does anyone know how to use photoshop, by the way? This post needs a picture, to really drive that last point home.