KILLER FACT!

-1,248 books on 9/11 have been published.

-Half of British women own more than 30 pairs of shoes.

-Of the trillions of cells in a typical human body, only about one in ten is human. The rest are microbial.

Like a jigsaw, all the pieces are falling into place.

ALIBI

Let it be noted that at 2am on September 28th I was sitting at a computer typing these words. I was NOT taking part in any kind of illegal activity in a barn.

THE 100 GREATEST LISTS OF ALL TIME

This week Radio 4 listeners voted for their favourite lists from the UK. Here are the winners:

100. The Sunday Times' "12 Hottest New Resorts In Really Poor Countries".
99. "Top 50 Norfolk freaks." Norwich Evening News readers vote for squinting idiots from the Norfolk area.
98. "Britain’s 50 Best Dressed Homeless Men," in GQ Magazine. "It's hobo-tastic!"
97. "10 Fish We Would Most Like to Meet." Capital Radio listeners phone in with their favourite sea creatures. (Last year’s winner- the badger.)
96. "Britain’s 50 funniest fridge magnets," with Sir William Rees-Mogg (BBC 1).
95. Loaded Magazine’s "100 Worst Ever Football Haircuts". The Premier League’s most shocking barnets revealed.
94."Top of the Wops"- Vogue Magazine’s 15 Most Influential Italian Designers.
93. "Gay Of The Year." Radio Times readers vote for their favourite gay.
92. Saga Magazine's "12 Coolest Diseases to Catch on Holiday".
91. "Top 10 Geordie Porkers." Northern Echo readers vote for Tyneside’s fattest cunt.
90. "TV's Naughtiest Terrorists." Chris Tarrant counts down the nation's most memorable bloodbaths.

The countdown continues next week.


Jimmy Tarbuck, recently voted Britain’s Most Influential Thinker by Daily Mirror readers.

JOHNSONS

"I saw Boris Johnsons riding his bike outside Leicester Square tube station last night. I shouted out "Johnsons!" and he gave me a jaunty wave. He looked terribly pale, almost FINNISHLY pale. I was nonetheless feeling quite smug about the experience for some minutes afterwards. This feeling then turned into one of mild depression as I considered how much more I could have got out of our brief encounter, e.g pushing him off his bike into an oncoming taxi."

Ollie B in the comments a couple of month ago. Someone has sent me a most amusing clip of Johnsons complaining about the number of people who shout sod off at him as he rides his bicycle around London:



What would you shout at Johnsons? Perhaps the wittiest thing would be to say nothing at all, and heave half a brick at him.

CANADIAN EAR-BITING "SUSTAINABLE"

Bismarck police said the group tried to calm the woman down. And that was when, according to police, the agitated woman bit off part of the Winnipeg officer's right ear.

No one with any self-respect would live in Winnipeg. I say let them bite each other’s ears off.

Apart from that, not much happened in Canada this week. The situation seems to be under control, with everyone continuing to get richer and fatter at a sustainable 2% per annum.

TAKE UP THE POSH MAN'S BURDEN

“If Mr Cameron is going to take the reins of government he is going to have to look like he can run a country, and -most importantly- the country's foreign policy.”

What is so important about the country’s foreign policy? As long as we don’t get invaded, it will have been a success. Doing whatever Finland does would be a sound foreign policy. I don’t see them sending aircraft carriers to Afghanistan. They’ve got more sense.

As it happens, I know Cameron from Eton, and we often take showers together. I told him he needs to sort out the railways, crack down on the Welsh, and resist the temptation to go poking his nose into countries on the far side of the world.

“And get your hair cut, you look like a pooftah,” I added.

FUCK OFF, AND TAKE YOUR ELEPHANT WITH YOU

Bystander is annoyed by the number of people who claim that there is an elephant in the room, when there isn’t.

That one never made much sense to me, either. So the elephant is standing in your living room. No elephant would do that, but anyway, there it is, and there’s a sort of unspoken agreement not to mention it, and everyone carries on as if the premises were elephant-free. I know it’s only a metaphorical elephant, but, even so, this scenario doesn’t seem to bear much relation to real life as I have experienced it. Or am I being thick?

For my part, I wish reporters would stop saying that people are “on the ground”. Troops on the ground in Afghanistan... Our people on the ground in Iraq... Where the hell else would they be? Larking around in trees?

The ground, sir, is their habitat.


People in Iraq are on the ground, much as I expected.