FERRET NOSES

"One way to collect nasal secretions from a ferret is to anesthetize it, hold a petri dish under its snout and squirt a little salt water up its nose so that it will sneeze into the dish."

If Lord Rees-Mogg had written that, I would have dismissed it as another one of his ludicrous claims. But it was in the New York Times, so presumably it's been fact-checked.

I gave up salting ferret noses at New Year. I didn't cut down, I didn't use patches, I just quit. I went to the doctor. He said, "Pull yourself together, man. You're a bloody maniac."

KILLER FACT!

Per capita, more people get skin cancer in Scotland than in Australia.

Hungbunny had a lucky escape this week. Although, looking at it from another angle, it would have been luckier not to get run over at all.

FREED HOSTAGE A DULL DOG, SAY SAS

"It’s great to be free," quips rescued hostage.

He had 118 days to think of a bon mot: was that really the best he could do? He calls that hot? The SAS must be wondering if it was worth all the trouble to rescue the dull dog.

I already have my wisecrack prepared for when I get kidnapped. I stagger out into the sunshine with my ear hanging off –the fiends, what have they done to him?- my clothes caked in gore.

"How are you feeling, Hutton?" shouts a reporter.
"I’m fine thanks," I say. "How are you?"

Then I swagger off down the road like I’m all Errol Flynn and shit.

WOMEN PROBLEMS

Sorry I haven´t updated- women problems. Come to think of it, they've been causing problems ever since we gave them the vote.

Don't tell anyone I said that.

VOTE LABOUR! DEATH TO THE TOWEL-HEADS!

Today is the third anniversary of the Iraq War. Three years ago, when all the peaceful options for bombing Iraq had been exhausted, Bush, with a heavy heart and after much reflection, reluctantly gave the order to start blowing stuff up. 103 Britons have died in the conflict. That’s really not so bad. But when it gets to about four hundred we should definitely start protesting and stuff.



This madman has dragged us into four wars, surely a record for a Labour Prime Minister, and not bad even for a Hun Chieftain. In the House of Commons last week Blair was all, “Me the conqueror of Serbia, Sierra Leone, Afghanistan and Iraq,” and Cameron was like, yeah, but that’s all. “Since 2003 the honourable lunatic hasn’t attacked anywhere.”

There is no room for complacency.

EXCELLENT!

Brazilian-hating government toady Sir Ian Blair is being considered for a “performance bonus", based on the “degree of excellence” he has shown. Huh?