IT'S A STINKING WORLD

"Where is your usual bonhomie?" writes Tim T. "Crappy new year to you too."

Bonhomie my arse. It’s a stinking world. Christmas is the time for bonhomie and goodwill. New Year is a time to reflect how dismally mean and stupid one’s countrymen are. I was on the National Express yesterday. You would not believe how ugly everyone was.

So don't talk to me about bonhomie.

HAIKU ON ANOTHER WASTED YEAR

Two thousand and five:
The March of Mankind this year
Took place without me.

I feel I could have really achieved something with my life if it weren't for the extraordinary difficulty I have getting out of bed. My New Year wish? That by this time next year our wretched rat-like species will have been wiped out by an asteroid.

Have a miserable 2006. I hope you all rot.

BRRRR

Not much snow in London, avouches the Hungbunny. The thing to remember is that it's still only Thursday in London, whereas here in Somerset it's the Year Of The Cat, and it's snowing like billy-o, snowing on all the living and the dead. I said to my friend Kevin, I said, I'm buggered if I'm going out there, in that. It's snowing outside, and in my heart there is freezing fog. I wish I had a mince pie. Feeling a bit peckish.


Volkswagens sit brooding in the snow. Not going out there, I said, in that.

UPDATE! It has stopped snowing.

TOP TEN WARMONGERS

International armed conflicts, 1946-2003:

UK (21)
France (19)
USA (16)
Russia / Soviet Union (9)
Australia (7)
Netherlands (7)
China (6)
Egypt (6)
Israel (6)
Thailand (6)

Thank God I voted Labour. If it weren't for Bomber Blair -Iraq, Afghanistan, Bosnia and Sierra Leone- we'd have been overtaken by the snail-eaters.

Source: Human Security Report 2005

HOW MANY DIVISIONS HAS EDDIE IZZARD?

Blair visiting troops "to raise morale". What a treat for them! Their little faces must have lit up with Christmas joy.

Would your morale be raised by a visit from that slippery lunatic? They were probably hoping for the Spice Girls, or TV funnyman Eddie Izzard. He packs them off to some pitsville desert to get shot at, then expects them to be pleased to see him. The Prime Minister, that is, not Eddie Izzard.

It probably raised Blair's morale, at least. There are few things he enjoys more than haring around in helicopters, making mad speeches. The big majnoon.

KILLER FACT!

If Mary and Joseph did the same journey today they would pass through fifteen Israeli checkpoints.

NIZLOPI

This year's Christmas number one was JCB by Nizlopi:

"I'm Luke, I'm five, and my dad's Bruce Lee,
He drives me round in his JCB,
And we're holdin' up the bypass,
Weh oh,
Me and my dad havin a top laugh,
Weh oh..."

I couldn't agree more. That's really what it's like out there, on the streets. Finally we have two young artists with the courage to describe Blair's Britain as it really is.


Nizlopi, a popular beat ensemble.