I was unable to take part in the looting this week, due to a bad back. There are strong arguments on both sides, but, on balance, I think the decision to burn down London was the correct one. And it was good to see Gloucester going up in flames.

NOT EVEN HULK HOGAN CAN PREVENT THIS ECONOMIC MELTDOWN

Let's look at some facts.



FACT 1: Ben Bernanke has more influence over economic policy than Hulk Hogan, the wrestler. I think that is probably safe to say.



FACT 2: Hulk Hogan is better at wrestling than the Fed Chair. This too is uncontroversial.



In sane world, Hulk Hogan would get Bernanke in a headlock and punch his ears until he agreed to cut interest rates. Then, a few months later, recovery! Hogan saves America.



But hold your horses, Mr Hulk. Ain't you never heard of a Liquidity Trap? Bernanke is constrained by the zero lower bound, you gristlehead, and cannot cut interest rates however much you punch his ears. He couldn't cut the Federal Funds rate if his life depended on it.



Back to the drawing board, Hulk.

THE BERNANKE GENERATOR

Flying cunt class from Bogota to Sao Paulo today, I made an important discovery. If you go through the Wall Street Journal, delete the word ``said'' from all the stories, and replace it with something else, the newspaper becomes about 15% less tedious.

For example:
-"We don't have a precise read on why this slower pace of growth is persisting," Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke whimpered.

-"We have no expectation or intention to get involved in state and local finance," Mr. Bernanke snarled.

-"This is really a political, fiscal issue," he chortled.

-"If we bail out one state, then all of the debt of all of the states is almost explicitly put on the books of the federal government," House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan yelped.

I'm trying to design The Bernanke Generator. You simply copy and paste your WSJ article, and it automatically converts it for you, free of charge. Bernanke sneered, Bernanke tittered, Bernanke roared, Bernanke guffawed, Bernanke sobbed...

Who shall decide when doctors disagree?

Brazil's government spent $9 million on a textbook which claims that ten minus seven equals four. "In reality, the correct answer is three," O Globo newspaper says, without revealing its source.

What do YOU think?

LOST IN TRANSLATION

``He [Dominique Strauss-Kahn] came out of the bathroom naked, ran down a hallway, pulled her into a bedroom and began to sexually assault her, according to her account. She pulled away from him and he dragged her down a hallway into the bathroom where he engaged in a criminal sexual act... He tried to lock her into the hotel room."

Back in France he could probably have laughed it off as a bit of horseplay that went too far, faults on both sides, lessons learned, etc. But not in the United States. Every time you try to have a little fun in that benighted country you get a vast army of meddlesome officials poking their long noses in, telling you where you can and can't smoke, and who you can and can't grope. Stand behind the yellow line, sir. I'm gonna need to see some ID, sir. Please put your pants back on, sir.

The French are always locking each other in hotel rooms and engaging in criminal sex acts. It's part of the laid-back Mediterranean lifestyle. But it was a serious error of judgement to try it in New York.

The wildest dreams of Kew are the facts of Khatmandhu
And the crimes of Clapham chaste in Martaban.

(If anyone knows where Martaban is, please send me an email. It sounds like a right laugh.)

Tequila and Pork Sausages Found in Bin Laden Lair, U.S. Officials Say

A crate of tequila and a copy of the Satanic Verses garnished with pork sausages were found in Bin Laden's lair (or den), U.S. intelligence officials say.

You might also enjoy The Daily Telegraph classic "Bin Laden Buys Child Slaves for his Drug Farm".

You know what, I'm really starting to go off Bin Laden.

BRITISH vs CHINESE PARENTING

Chinese parents:
"Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
• attend a sleepover
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the #1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin

...By the time Sophia was three, she was reading Sartre, doing simple set theory and could write one hundred Chinese characters… In 1997, when she was three, Sophia got her first piano lesson."

(From The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua.)

British parents:
"He [Arthur Waugh, father of Evelyn] suffered from asthma and was consequently no good at sport. [Alexander Waugh's] solution to his elder son's faiblesses was to enroll him on a toughen-you-up induction course based on the old-fashioned wisdom: ''Tis fear as makes 'em brave.'' To this end he forced his son to cling for his life to farm gates as he swung them violently back and forth, shouting ``Hold on, m'boy.'' He perched him on high branches, deserting him there for hours on end, and then would creep up behind him, blasting off both barrels of his gun just inches from his ear.

Dog-whipping and sudden explosions by his earhole had done nothing to sharpen his enthusiasm for the sport, so the Brute tried another ploy to arouse his interest. Every night for a week he dragged Arthur out of bed and pushed him into the damp gloom of a downstairs cupboard where, shivering in his pyjamas and doubtless crying like a baby, he was ordered to kiss his father's gun-case."

(From Fathers and Sons: The Autobiography of a Family, by Alexander Waugh.)


I would argue that the British method is superior at producing twitching, psychologically-maladjusted adults, while Chinese-style parenting is better at creating concert-level pianists with suicidal tendencies, reduced to playing in shopping malls and steak-houses due to the supply/demand mismatch.

It goes without saying that either approach is better than letting the young swine play Facebook and listen to "skiffle singers."