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When I was a teenager, DJs would devote an inordinate amount of time to the question of who was, and who was not, in the house. Did anyone ever get to the bottom of that?
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
The Campaign for Uncommunicative Navigation and Transit
Just bought a pair of polarizing sunglasses. They make me violently disagree with whoever I look at.
Needed some shades for my flight next week. This time I’m going to show up at the airport wearing dark glasses, a pair of earmuffs and a t-shirt that says, “I am not listening to your announcements.”
I’m flying with Delta, or “Swine Air” as they are known. They are the absolute worst for abusing the intercom system, especially the pilots. Bus drivers don’t spend twenty minutes hectoring one. They let one read one’s Vogue magazine in peace.
And if you politely request that he stops interrupting and shuts his goddamned cake hole for five minutes, they wrestle you to the ground, put plasticuffs on your wrists and have you charged with air rage when you land. I know this from personal experience.
And I can’t block them out with my iPod, because they claim it is an “electronic device” which interferes with their beastly avionics.
In fact, an iPod is not capable of bringing down a 300-tonne jet. If it were, 747s would be dropping from the sky like pheasants. But if you point this out, they will wrestle you to the ground, put plasticuffs on your wrists, taser you and have you charged with air rage when you land. The slightest show of defiance elicits this reaction.
I’m going to get the fucking boat next time. I really hate these people.
Needed some shades for my flight next week. This time I’m going to show up at the airport wearing dark glasses, a pair of earmuffs and a t-shirt that says, “I am not listening to your announcements.”
I’m flying with Delta, or “Swine Air” as they are known. They are the absolute worst for abusing the intercom system, especially the pilots. Bus drivers don’t spend twenty minutes hectoring one. They let one read one’s Vogue magazine in peace.
And if you politely request that he stops interrupting and shuts his goddamned cake hole for five minutes, they wrestle you to the ground, put plasticuffs on your wrists and have you charged with air rage when you land. I know this from personal experience.
And I can’t block them out with my iPod, because they claim it is an “electronic device” which interferes with their beastly avionics.
In fact, an iPod is not capable of bringing down a 300-tonne jet. If it were, 747s would be dropping from the sky like pheasants. But if you point this out, they will wrestle you to the ground, put plasticuffs on your wrists, taser you and have you charged with air rage when you land. The slightest show of defiance elicits this reaction.
I’m going to get the fucking boat next time. I really hate these people.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
REASONS TO VOTE LABOUR
Reading the latest news from Colombia I realised that the Labour Party does have one redeeming feature, and it is this: they don’t murder people and dump them in pits, at least not in England. No one ever gives Gordon Brown any credit for this. Nor did he go to Eton.
Vote Brown! He didn’t go to Eton, and he doesn’t bury people in pits.
Vote Brown! He didn’t go to Eton, and he doesn’t bury people in pits.
Monday, January 11, 2010
BOGOTA- Went to the market this weekend to buy an expandable cosh, but they didn’t have any colours I liked. I had a long chat with the salesman, to help find the right cosh for me, but they only had three varieties in stock, police issue rubbish from the United States. He tried to fob me off with a knuckle-duster, but knuckle-dusters are gauche whatever colour they are.
I don’t want a knuckle-duster, I want a cosh. And not just any cosh. I want the cosh that Harrods would sell me, if they had a branch in Colombia. A cosh that Princess Diana would not have been ashamed to club photographers with.
“You’re not going to see the Duchess of Devonshire wearing a knuckle-duster, you know what I mean?” I said to Pancho, the salesman. He didn’t have an answer to that one.
If a murderer comes round my house this evening I guess I’ll just have to make the best of a bad do and throw plates at him.
I don’t want a knuckle-duster, I want a cosh. And not just any cosh. I want the cosh that Harrods would sell me, if they had a branch in Colombia. A cosh that Princess Diana would not have been ashamed to club photographers with.
“You’re not going to see the Duchess of Devonshire wearing a knuckle-duster, you know what I mean?” I said to Pancho, the salesman. He didn’t have an answer to that one.
If a murderer comes round my house this evening I guess I’ll just have to make the best of a bad do and throw plates at him.
Monday, January 4, 2010
POPULAR MYTHS REFUTED
“Shutting windows when you go out makes it harder for burglars to get in,” says Bystander, citing Her Majesty’s Government.
This simply isn’t true.
According to rogue economist Steve Levitt, there is no correlation between a window being open and a toe-rag climbing through it.
Money spent on windows might be better spent on tennis courts, Levitt argues in his book Freaking Idiots, since people wearing tennis shorts are only one fifteenth as likely to rob houses as non-tennis players are.
Or perhaps a dog would defend your house from burglars? Nothing could be further from the truth.
“A cat is 37 times more likely to bite a burglar than a dog is,” Levitt refutes. “A dog is more likely to bite its owner.” Money spent on dogs might be better spent on roller-skates, Levitt argues.
Statistically, a burglar is more likely to tread on a roller-skate, fly through a window and fracture his pelvis, than he is to be bitten by a cat, Levitt points out in his paper The Impact Of Sandwich Fillings On Prison Population: A Response To Pappenhacker and Stoat.
Levitt, hard at work debunking stuff.
This simply isn’t true.
According to rogue economist Steve Levitt, there is no correlation between a window being open and a toe-rag climbing through it.
Money spent on windows might be better spent on tennis courts, Levitt argues in his book Freaking Idiots, since people wearing tennis shorts are only one fifteenth as likely to rob houses as non-tennis players are.
Or perhaps a dog would defend your house from burglars? Nothing could be further from the truth.
“A cat is 37 times more likely to bite a burglar than a dog is,” Levitt refutes. “A dog is more likely to bite its owner.” Money spent on dogs might be better spent on roller-skates, Levitt argues.
Statistically, a burglar is more likely to tread on a roller-skate, fly through a window and fracture his pelvis, than he is to be bitten by a cat, Levitt points out in his paper The Impact Of Sandwich Fillings On Prison Population: A Response To Pappenhacker and Stoat.
Levitt, hard at work debunking stuff.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Saturday, December 19, 2009
STOP PICKING ON THE STASI
The Stasi have been getting a bad press lately, especially in readers’ comments in The Guardian. They’re all, ooh, I got fined for feeding the ducks, the British police are turning into the Stasi. The Bitish police are photographing enemies of the party just like in East Germany.
This is absurd. As well as suppressing dissidents, the Stasi also suppressed wrongdoers and bad apples. They did some fine police work. Life in DDR wasn’t many laughs, but it was safe to walk the streets.
Say what you like about police states, but they do at least have low crime rates.
In Britain we have managed to combine Singaporean levels of mindless niggling harassment with South American levels of crime.
-“Help! Police! There’s an intruder in my house.”
-I’m sorry, we’d love to help. But all our officers are cunting around in a field in Wiltshire, talking photos of some hippies.”
That’s a word-for-word transcript of a conversation I had with them last week. I’m just glad I don’t pay my taxes.
Some bad apples recently.
This is absurd. As well as suppressing dissidents, the Stasi also suppressed wrongdoers and bad apples. They did some fine police work. Life in DDR wasn’t many laughs, but it was safe to walk the streets.
Say what you like about police states, but they do at least have low crime rates.
In Britain we have managed to combine Singaporean levels of mindless niggling harassment with South American levels of crime.
-“Help! Police! There’s an intruder in my house.”
-I’m sorry, we’d love to help. But all our officers are cunting around in a field in Wiltshire, talking photos of some hippies.”
That’s a word-for-word transcript of a conversation I had with them last week. I’m just glad I don’t pay my taxes.
Some bad apples recently.
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