MY BOY GEORGE VIDEO SHAME

“Sex-crazed Boy George has been jailed for 15 months after he handcuffed a male escort to his bed and threatened: “You’re going to get it!”

Sounds like wholesome British fun to me, I don’t know why people can’t mind their own business. Like Big Sausage Pizza, chaining up rent boys and threatening them with dildos is good for a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon, but these people who build their whole lifestyle around it give me the creeps.

Boy George is the only pop star I have ever met. When I was about 10 they bussed a load of kids my from school up to London to be in his video The War Song. I don’t know who organised it or why, but we were forced to dress up as skeletons and walk down a street to make some trite point about war being stupid.

In fact, he couldn’t have been more wrong. War is great, providing children with fresh air and healthy exercise. If it weren’t for war and the opportunities it gives them, Congolese children would be as fat and repulsive as our English bratties.

Not long after I appeared in his video, Mr Boy was in some kind of heroin scandal*. I don’t remember if he was arrested or if it was just a story in the papers, but he wrote a letter to our school apologising for letting us all down. I think he thought he was a role model for us, though before they forced me to be a skeleton in the man’s video I had never heard of him. One of the teachers read his letter out in assembly. It said something like, “Drugs are bad. Whatever you do, children, don’t spend 800 pounds a week on heroin.”

And to this day I have never spent 800 pounds a week on heroin.


I'm on at 3.13

*This was about 1982 or 1983. I can’t find anything about it on the internet, but it definitely happened, and I think that figure of 800 pounds a week is accurate.

About a decade ago I conducted a survey on the wine and spirits trade in the Gaza Strip. Here are my findings.

BLOGGING IS FOR TOSSERS

My post about Big Sausage Pizza has degenerated into a row about Jews and the Israel-Palestine question. This nuisance must now cease.

This is a web site, primarily, for the pizza-lover. People come here to read about pizza, cock-munching and things of that kind. They don’t want to have to wade though a lot of extraneous material about the Israeli Air Force.

As it happens I agree with Sol Kashberg, but what does he want me to do about it? Is he under the impression that my views carry great weight with the State Department and the Israeli High Command? I am one of the few people in the British bloggingsphere who has ever lived in the Gaza Strip, and I like to think that for once I am marginally less ignorant than average on the issue of the day. But mouthing off about it on the internet would only serve to confirm my own impotence, whereas by writing about Big Sausage Pizza I feel I can really make a difference.

Palestine is the happy hunting ground for minds that have lost their balance. Blogging is for tossers.

BIG SAUSAGE PIZZA

Dost thou renounce the devil and all his works, the vain pomp and glory of the world, with all covetous desires of the same, and the carnal desires of the flesh, so that thou wilt not follow, nor be led by them?

If not, you may be interested to know that Big Sausage Pizza* volume 20 is out on DVD. A lot of people felt that the Big Sausage series lost its way after volume seven, but now they are back on track with a new director and some great new plots.

The key to writing a Big Sausage Pizza script, in my opinion, is finding a plausible scenario in which a man might wish to stick his genitals through a pizza in the first place, other than sheer horseplay.

In the old days, back in 2005, a pizza delivery boy in southern California would ring on the door, then a chick answers in a see-through dressing gown and says, hey, why don’t y’all carve a hole in this ole pizza, then y’all put your meaty sausage through it? Then the chick would invariably make some trite remark about how his “sausage” is even more mouth-watering than the pizza, delicious though the latter was.

But that just isn’t cutting it anymore. Real life simply isn’t like that.

The worst one was the one in which the guy shows up with a pizza but, wait a minute, these aren’t the toppings she ordered! The chick doesn’t like olives or something. So she threatens to have him fired, and he’s terrified of losing his job, so to placate her he makes a hole in the pizza and whips out his knob and says, “How about this topping?” Then she comes back with, “Here, let me give you your tip.” Preposterous.

That was volume 13, if memory serves.

*Hobby in which the man is fellated through a hole in a pizza, said to be the fastest-growing perversion in Canada.

Sorry I haven’t updated. I spent the last three weeks getting drunk to celebrate the election of Joe Biden as America’s 47th white vice-president. I never thought I’d live to see the day. Me and some other whites went out for a drink, then after a few port and lemons Giles Poncington (a pasty acquaintance of mine) starts asking if Biden is white enough. This led to a sharp exchange of views with Biffo Dingethorpe, who argued that Boris Johnson is even whiter than Biden, and yet a bigger arse-head you shall not see in a summer’s day.

The discussion soon degenerated into a snarling melee between the Whites and the Very Whites, and to cut a long story short I just got out on bail this morning.

LIVEBLOGGING THE ELECTION

8.01- Obama has won the first 1% of Indiana. Big whoop. Only a turkey would live in Indiana.

8.03- McCain wants to cut taxes for decent hard-working Americans. How right the Vietnamese were to bayonet him!

8.04- I went to Vietnam for a holiday and not once did I get bayoneted. Not once. The secret? I didn’t go around dropping bombs on them.

8.05- If there’s one thing I can't stand it’s decent hard-working Americans.

8.06- Indecent slothful Americans I don't mind so much.

8.07- Wolf Blitzer is pointing at a pie chart.

8.09- Wolf Blitzer. Morton Kondrake. Why do Americans have these fucking idiotic names?

8.20- What time is Obama going to make his moving speech? Obviously I hope he wins, though I know he’s going to spend the next four years getting on my tits. Bush has been more disastrous than a plague of locusts, but at least he didn’t go around boring everyone to death.

8.22- Bush! I'd forgotten all about that tosser.

8.23- You could release 1,000 gang bangers from US jails, give each banger a wrecking ball and tell him that he had 8 years to do as much wrecking as he pleased, and between them they would still do less damage than Bush has done.

8.26- And yet, the damage he caused wasn’t infinite. A million bangers with wrecking balls would be more ruinous even than Bush. So the amount of damage, measured in wrecking ball years must be some number in between. In principle it ought to be possible to arrive at a precise figure, had I but world enough and time.

8.35- Bush still has a 20% approval rating. Who are all these people who approve of him? Who look at the dog's breakfast he has made of everything and think, yes, of this I approve? President Bush, I salute you!

8.51- CNN is calling it for Obama. The question is no longer, “Is America ready for its first black president?" It is, “Is America ready for the assassination of its first black president?" (got that from Jeremy Hardy on the News Quiz)

8.59- "Jonah Goldberg, in his role as television-raised idiot manchild of The Right, has been posting weird movie clips all day." I pass this on, for anyone who is interested.

10.42- Obama has lost Arkansas. There is now no way for him to win, unless he takes Maine.

10.48- I'm calling it for Ralph Nader.

10.54- Pretty convenient old grandma Obama croaking the night before the election, wouldn’t you say? Not that I necessarily believe that there was any foul play.

10.59- Heaven knows, I’m no pinko. People who steal toffees would be flogged in the public square if I were in charge. And yet I have always felt the most boiling hatred for the Republican party.

11.02- Ha ha. McCain lost. What an arsehole. I'd like to pelt the cantankerous old git with fruit.

11.20- Michelle Malkin: "Here’s my promise to you: As long as I can still publish a blog and speak my mind openly about the next denizen of the White House, I will."

Malkin will not be muzzled. That's a load off my mind.

1.17- End live blogging. Off to Bedfordshire.

QUICK QUIZ

Q. Which character in The Wire said, “I’m just a humble motherfucker with a big-ass dick?”

A. Trick question! It was Winston Churchill.