DRESSAGE "AS DULL AS GOLF ITSELF"

"Hong Kong's horse racing-mad population appear to have found the first day of Olympic equestrian competition a turn-off. Many of the initial 10,400 spectators fell asleep during the dressage events.

One of them told the city's Sunday Morning Post newspaper she was 'deeply bored.' 'The horses just walked from one side of the arena to the other and then back again,' she said.

‘I really don't think Hong Kong people will be interested in this.'

As the stands emptied, another spectator said: 'I expected to see horse racing. I have to say this is the most boring thing I've ever seen in my life.'"

Via Hemlock



Don't worry, horsey. The fat idiot will be getting off in a minute.

An email arrives from the desk of Mr Usman Adama, accounts manager of an African bank. He says he recently came across a huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person who died in plane crash.

Yeah, yeah, you are thinking. Heard that one before. But hold your horses. What if this guy is on the level?

The tragedy is that these fraudsters are giving a bad name to all the honest Nigerians who need to use your bank account to deposit $80 million. No one will give them a fair hearing.

I think I’m going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt.

SCRIPT

An airport. Man on a business trip waiting in line to go through metal detector. A plain clothes man approaches him, shows him some ID, and says, please, sir, come this way.

They sit in an office. Plain clothes guy explains that he is Colonel Cathcart, in charge of tightening up airport security. Can you help us? Do your bit in the War On Terror?

“What do you want?” says the man.

Plain clothes says, “We’re looking for civilians like you to try to get weapons on to planes, see if our people are awake. We want you to try to take this grenade through security. Hide it in your undies, let’s see if they find it. Relax, it’s not even a real grenade. I’ll be watching behind the two-way mirror. If they don’t find it, they’re going to get a real dressing down in my report for the Congressional Inquiry. Heads will roll.”

Man says, um, sure.

Man strolls through the metal detector, is wrestled to the floor and tasered.

“I’m part of the Congressional Inquiry. Ask Colonel Cathcart,” screams the man.

Cathcart appears. "I have never seen this man before in my life," he says.

Cell door slams shut. Man lies on the floor in an orange jump suit, weeping.

I was thinking of entering this as a short for the Slamdance festival. If any of you are American millionaires or Kuwaitis or whatever, could you get in touch? I reckon we can shoot the whole thing for less than it cost to make Terminator. Investors will get 50% of the profits or a bag of crisps, whichever is greater.

I expect I'll get Samuel L Jackson to play the Colonel. Do any of you happen to have his number? He cool.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Don’t stand there fuckin dinging the bell every fuckin two seconds. Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. Fuckin wrap it.”

Irascible Scotchman who drives a bus.

Sending an email to Obama turns out to have been a mistake. They’ve been bombarding me with crap ever since. Here is this morning’s effort, supposedly from his wife:

My Backstage With Barack Story
H -- Barack likes to tell a story about the two of us standing backstage before his speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention.

The way he tells it, he was too busy in the days before the convention to feel any pressure -- but about an hour before the speech, I could tell he was getting a little nervous.

To break the tension, right before he went out on stage I leaned in close and said, "Just don't screw it up, buddy."

We laughed. And then Barack brought the house down.

Make a contribution of $5 or more today and you could have your own Backstage with Barack story to tell.

---------

My Train Platform With Sir Walter Story
Dear Michelle— Nothing that interesting has ever happened to me, though I did once cross paths with someone quite famous!

I was standing on the platform at Darlington station in 1939, when I saw a well-known figure, reading The Times.

“Aren’t you Sir Walter Wommersly, the Minister for Pensions?” I inquired.

“Very much so,” Sir Walter replied, with a twinkle in his eye.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if this train was late,” I joshed. And sure enough it was!

How we both laughed! Then five and a half years later, Herr Hitler committed suicide.

Tell Barack that if he wants to use that in his speeches, he can.

CORRESPONDENCE WITH OBAMA

Dear Obama,
I see from the television set that you are in Berlin. There’s this great little restaurant there, you should definitely check it out. I can’t remember what it’s called or where it is, but they do they do this like pie with this like sauce on it. The pie has some name in German. I’ll send you an email if I remember what it is.

If you mention my name, I’m sure they’ll give you a table.

Guten Appetit!


OBAMA REPLIES:
Dear H,
Thank you for contacting Obama for America… Your thoughts on our campaign and America's future are greatly appreciated.

Individual citizens like you are the foundation of this campaign….

The open discussion we want to facilitate cannot take place without hearing from people expressing a wide range of views.

Thank you again for writing.

Sincerely,

The Correspondence Team
Obama for America

---

Here are some more useful links to help you get started:

Learn more about Barack's policy positions: http://my.barackobama.com/acissues
See Barack in person or attend a campaign event: view the Events section toward the bottom of the front page www.BarackObama.com.
Invite Senator Obama or Michelle to an event: http://invite.barackobama.com
Donate: http://my.barackobama.com/acdonate
Buy Obama Gear: http://my.barackobama.com/acstore

THEY NEED A GOOD BEATING

The Elberry writes:

“i’ve decided to pack temping in and become a TV producer. i’m going to start my own reality TV show; it will be called They Need a Good Beating’.... Contestants will be lured into the studio with false talk of a Big Brother style celebration of human nastiness. They will believe they stand to become Jady Goodie-like celebrities, lauded by the press, imitated by an adoring public, and set for minor stardom and appearance on the Richard & Judy Show.

Instead they will be severely beaten.”

My friend Kev once fell into a vat of pancake mix. He was severely battered.

Ba-doom, ba-doom, tish!