THE PANTOMIME OF TURKO THE TERRIBLE

Boris Johnsons is again being “dogged by allegations of racism”. Oh, yeah? Well I’m racist about him, that slippery Turk*.

My ancestors have been on that freezing island since Knut the Longbeard. What they were doing there, I couldn’t tell you. Genealogy is fucking tedious, even when it’s your own. And if I did trace one of them back to the middle ages Grandpa Hutton would probably just turn out to be some swineherd who died of pox. But he was there, and he did his bit.

"Oft did the harvest to their sickle yield,
Their furrow oft the stubborn glebe has broke..."

What the hell is a “glebe”? That’s not the point. The point is that I’m damned if I’ll treat any Turk as my equal, old Etonian or not.

What do you think about that, Mr Turko (if you’re reading this)?

Ah, to hell with you.



*Johnsons is great-grandson of Ali Kemal Bey, interior minister in the government of Damat Ferid Pasha who, as every schoolboy knows, was Grand Vizier of the Ottoman Empire.

HOW FOOLISH

“The price of the first pictures of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s twins is set to break records with an estimated $15 million price tag, with tabloid magazines People and OK! battling for the photos. The celebrity whelps are to be called Equanimity and Fossil Fuel, reflecting the celebrity couple’s twin passions for Buddhism and renewable energy sources. “By the time Fossil Fuel celebrates his 70th birthday, he will be the only Fossil Fuel left,” Jolie said, in an interview with Larry King. “That’s the point we’re making”.

I once came second in a Brad Pitt lookalike competition. A Japanese guy won it.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“I like the kind of pornography where a guy tricks a girl into fellating him by sticking his member through a hole he cut into a pizza.”

(John McCain)

Sorry I haven't updated. I was busy watching fist-fights on YouTube.

PRESIDENT URIBE EXTRADITES HIS MILLIONTH COLOMBIAN

Uribe has extradited another 14 people on drug-trafficking charges, for a total of 1,000,004 drug traffickers extradited since he took office.

“I will not rest until I have extradited the entire Colombian population,” Uribe told a cheering crowd in Bogota.

Unfortunately, Colombians continue to be born faster than he can extradite them. And as long as the Colombian birth rate remains higher than the extradition rate, he'll never really make a dent in the problem, say experts.

I’ll tell you what. He'd better not try to extradite me. If he extradites me, I swear to God I’ll extradite him.

So anyway, some Americans tried to write “laissez-faire” on Starbucks gift cards, for some reason, but they couldn't because this violates company policy, for some other reason.

Why would anyone want to write laissez-faire on a Starbucks gift card? Why would anyone else want to stop them? Reading this I realised that I no more understand American culture than I understand the headhunting tribes of Borneo.

“I'm still hoping that it was all a computer glitch,” says a thinker from the Cato Institute, “and that some day my latte-drinking, non-tax-hiking friends will be able to get their very own customized Starbucks gift card with "Laissez Faire" emblazoned on it...”

I was wondering how I would explain any of this to a tribesman from Borneo, if he asked me, but the only explanation I can come up with is that they are all out of their fucking minds.

Michelle Malkin was so angry about it that she switched to coffee from Dunkin Donuts. “Dunkin’: Tastes good, cheaper, and good for national security. Drink up!”

If anyone can translate that into Sea Dayak, you win a year's supply of shrunken heads. (Entries in Land Dayak will not be accepted, due to company policy.)

Having trouble understanding what Malkin is talking about.

GO JOHNSONS!

I didn’t vote, but I strongly supported Johnsons on the grounds that the sooner London burns down or crumbles into the sea the better. I had always hoped that God or an asteroid would obliterate the place, but, given that they haven’t, Johnsons is the next best thing.

York is the true capital of England.