Police are complaining about the large numbers of nuisance calls they receive. Dealing with thick members of the public is diverting resources away from shooting Brazilians and diversity training, they claim. This is my favourite one, but they are all pretty side-splitting.

What is today's date?

There is pole dancing at number 3.

I can't find Homebase and I am very distressed.

Is there a hairdresser's open in Cambridge?

When I phoned them claiming to have my foot stuck inside a pumpkin they told me I was wasting their time, as if the time would otherwise have been spent kicking down doors and arresting terrorists.

I didn’t much care for her snooty tone.

THE PEOPLE OF CANADA CAN FUCK OFF

Ha ha. Look at these dumb Canadians trying to ban newspaper articles.

The Canadian Islamic Congress and everyone else in Canada can all fuck off, as far as I’m concerned.

KILLER FACT!

"Egyptians, Indians and Turks search for "sex" on Google more than any other nationality. "Hitler" is most popular in Germany, Austria and Mexico; "Nazi" in Chile, Australia and Britain. "David Beckham" gets most hits in Venezuela."

WHAT THEY DON’T TEACH YOU AT HARVARD BUSINESS SCHOOL

Fellas, have you ever tried to put your bollocks into a marmite jar? It's a simple matter to get them in, but you cannot get them out again. I don't understand the science behind it.

Try it during your tea break. It really works!

So how do you get them out? Or must they remain there until the crack of doom?

Simple. You give a hammer to a passer-by and invite him to take a swing. And –hey presto!- liberated plums.

They pay me to solve problems.

I’ll never forget the time I went into a bakery in Rome to buy a pastry.

Well I’ll be damned:

“A new guide to the world's most awful airports, by Foreign Policy magazine, doesn't even include Heathrow in its top five.”

The place does have one redeeming feature, which is that tycoons and celebrities who pay $8,000 for their tickets get treated as badly as everyone else. Even Snoop Dogg must take his shoes off and stand in his socks boiling with impotent rage, before being herded like a pig through the metal detectors.

Today I leave for Chechnya on a bungee-jumping holiday. I'll update the minute I get back.