KILLER FACT!

In Britain, the suicide rate among cricketers is twice the national average.

BLAIR'S BRITAIN

The average person will eat 10,800 carrots, shed 121 pints of tears and have sex more than 4,200 times, a television documentary will claim tomorrow.

Much as I suspected. After ten years of Blair, Mr Average Briton now spends his days weeping, stuffing carrots into his yap and having sex, according to the experts. In my town, life isn’t really like that, but no doubt the carrot-eating sex fiends of the north are pulling the averages up.

I see that I am supposed to have sex 4,239 times, in between eating my 15 pigs and 2.3 tons of potatoes. If you want my advice, you need to aim for around 3,500 times by the time you’re 40, then try to knock off the remaining 739 before you get your pension. You've got to plan ahead. You don’t want to be in the position of having to pork the wife when you’re in your eighties. It must be the last thing you need.

When I hit 40 I might just call it a day, and buy one of those American dong-on-a-stick machines instead. That will free up a lot of time for my punishing carrot-eating regimen.


Blair's Britain. It's a living hell.

MALIGNANT TUBAS

Roy Edroso is having a tuba removed. For what it’s worth, I hope he lives.

When Randolph Churchill had a non-malignant tuba removed, Evelyn Waugh said, “It was a typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant, and remove it.”

That's the only tuba anecdote I can think of right now. Incidentally, why doesn't Edroso get his tubas removed in Cuba, if he likes it so much? Eh?

ONE-LINERS

Norm Geras, the angry man of British blogging, has linked to a poll of top one-liners. They’re good, but only quite good. I would have gone with:

1. The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life.

2. When I was young my Grandmother gave me $5 one day and said, "Don't tell your Mother I gave you this.” I said, “It's gonna cost you more than that.”

3. They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now!

4. -Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
-Winston Churchill: “Get stuffed.”

(Oscar Wilde, Steve Wright, Bob Monkhouse, Winston Churchill)

A WELL-REGULATED MILITIA

"People don't stop killers," writes the Instapundit. "People with guns do."

The idea is that if one of the Virginia Tech students had had a gun with him, he could have come to the rescue like Dick Dauntless, and shot the Korean maniac.

Well that’s true. But what if 300 students had guns, and they were all on the look-out for a student with a gun? I’m failing to see the genius of this plan, though no doubt I’ve overlooked something obvious.

No guns here in Colombia, thank God. In Bogota there is a place called La Piscina, a much-loved local whore-house, run by one of the country’s most respected paramilitary groups. If you go up to the seventh floor you can buy a bazooka, if bazookas are what you require to protect you from the Koreans. Technically it’s against the law, but so are a lot of things.

POUND HITS $2

Back when I started blogging one of the favorite topics of discussion on conservative blogs was the inevitable crash of the euro in favor of the mighty dollar. Most of this had nothing to do with any thought about economics but instead a general association between perceived penis size of your country and the value of its currency (American big and mighty! Europe flaccid and wimpy!)

I remember when you could buy a bag of eels for two farthings.

ADVICE SOUGHT

An email arrives asking where, in my opinion, is the best place in Denver to hide a carcass.

I’m not really the go-to guy on dumping stiffs in Denver. Maybe some of you can help?