HELIOCENTRIC IS THE HARDEST WORD

"The Vatican said on Saturday the Pope was sorry Muslims had been offended by a speech."

It takes a big Pope to apologise. It took them three and half centuries to “express regret” about Galileo, despite the fact that Galileo was 100% right and they were 100% wrong. The Church of England is a sorry religion. They could learn a lot from us.

Muslims have accepted his apology. Saudi cleric Abdul-Aziz al-Sheikh said everything is now “cool” between Islam and the Vatican. “Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we all say things we don’t mean. Over the years I, too, have said some stuff... Let’s use this as an opportunity for personal growth, and then move on.”

By the way, if Dave from work is reading this, I’m sorry I took your yoghurt, man. I know you were probably looking forward to that. And I’m sorry I accused you of heresy.

Frank and manly- that is how it is done. Now compare my apology to Pope John Paul II’s:

“The error of the theologians of the time, when they maintained the centrality of the earth, was to think that our understanding of the physical world's structure was, in some way, imposed by the literal sense of Sacred Scripture.”

Kind of mean and grudging, isn’t it? When you’re in the wrong, admit it and say you’re sorry. Take it on the chin. Sometimes, when you’re dealing with women or Muslim clerics they’ll want to keep bitching at you even after you’ve already apologised, like, 8 times. I find that a bunch of daffodils usually answers the case.


Oh, no! Someone's upset them.

FRANK CHALK

My friend Chalk has a new book out:

"He is an ordinary teacher in an ordinary British school... a school where the kids get drunk, beat up the teachers and take drugs - when they can be bothered to turn up... Chalk confiscates porn, booze and trainers..."

We owe a great debt of gratitude to Britain’s teachers. If it weren’t for them we’d all be speaking German. And French. And Latin. And be able to do sums.

I once met an Austrian woman who worked in a British school. The poor creature had a nervous breakdown after a couple of months, just as I predicted. “Zey behave like devils,” she said.

CLIP

In this clip a highly off-putting Tory argues that free speech is bad for London's tourist industry.

It has been a vintage year for the non-sequitur, thanks to the Turks.


via Chicken Yoghurt

THE GREATEST LIVING AUSTRALIAN?

Reader fjl accuses me of being “obsessed” with Steve Irwin.

I make no apologies for my admiration of Irwin, the West’s first line of defence against lizards. In my opinion he was the greatest Australian since Eddie Izzard, and Eddie Izzard isn’t even Australian.

Who have they got now? Crocodile Greer and a bunch of champion swimmers. It would be a sorry state of affairs if the greatest living Australian were now Rolf Harris, but I’m afraid this may well be the case. Dan Ackroyd is pretty great, but he turns out to be Canadian.



The Greatest Living Australian? What do YOU think? Come on, guys, let’s poll.

STINGRAY KILLINGS MAY BE IRWIN REVENGE

"People may be avenging the death of Steve Irwin by slaying stingrays..."

As Mark Steyn always says, it’s not a question of how sorry you are -anyone can be sorry- it’s a question of how you go about organising reprisals. That is what separates the chaff from the goats.

If we let them get away with this, the rays will think we are decadent. All I can do for Steve is insist that the ray which killed him is hunted down and prevented from targeting more Australians.

Come on, guys, let's rotate.

THE HYPOCRITICAL MALKIN

When a Muslim blows stuff up or lops some chap’s head off, she just goes on and on about it. But what about Christian violence? Hmm?

A vicar’s tea party in Berkshire degenerates into a vicious fist-fight, and she doesn’t say a word. Christian on Christian violence doesn’t fit into the Malkin world view, so she carries on as if it never happened, twisting the facts to suit her prejudices.

Don’t get me wrong. The Church of England has made an incredibly valuable contribution to our country. Anglicans are doctors, lawyers, members of the military, shopkeepers, mums and dads. And they must be treated with respect.

But they are also a violent, mental set of people, not unlike the Arabs. And when the scones run out and the fists start flying, it is a timely reminder of the dangers we face.



Another Church of England tea party turns rabid. The Venerable Norman Russell, Archdeacon of Berkshire, said: “I was very sorry to hear about the incident at the tea.”


Full disclosure: I myself am an Anglican, though I am thinking of converting to Islam to annoy my father.

MORE POLICE

...and in Cornwall they did a man called Gordon MacKillop for "placing a garden gnome with intent to cause harassment".

Unless the story is a hoax. I sometimes wonder if the fucking country might not be a hoax. I mean, you turn on the TV and everything is a spoof something else.

The other day I dreamt that Blair was in California, and that John Prescott was running the land.