CODGER'S TALE MOVES MILLIONS

This old git is YouTube’s newest star. His video got 800,000 views and 7,000 comments. He’s on the BBC, Reuters, the Guardian, USA today... A lot of Americans actually wept when they saw it, just as they howled and snivelled during Forrest Gump.

An old man with a video camera... how incredibly moving. It makes me want to bawl. It represents a real triumph of the human spirit. Old man, I salute you!

I sat through it stony faced, though as an Englishman I will burst into tears if I see a rabbit with a thorn in its paw.

There’s a strong undercurrent of hysteria around at the moment that could break out into pogroms and lynchings at any time, and this old man is as much to blame as anyone.

SOURPUSS MALKIN

And now we stare astonished at the sea
And a miraculous strange bird shrieks at us...

This Yeats line came back to me when I saw the lunatic Malkin on Fox News the other week. I don’t mind being hectored about the Middle East by people who have never been within 500 miles of it –that’s what blogs are all about- but now this hellish woman is attacking our TV shows as well, and this cannot be borne. It seems she's in a foaming rage about Armando Iannucci’s new programme on BBC 2, among several hundred other things that she's furious about.

Jesus, woman, calm down. You’re like a bear with a sore head. I don’t think I’ve ever been as enraged about anything as she is about everything. “When did 9/11 become a laughing matter?” she asks, as if anyone were laughing about it, and as if she were able to tell the difference between award-winning comedy and a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.

You’ve got to realise the kind of people we’re dealing with here. Malkin doesn’t just take life seriously; she actually takes Hugh Hewitt seriously. Such a person is simply not qualified to have an opinion on what is, and what is not, “a laughing matter”, since a sense of humour calls for a sense of proportion, which in her case she has not got. Almost any attempt to make jokes that rises above the level of a fat man falling over is going to confuse and upset her and her readers, but that’s just something the BBC is going to have to live with. She wasn’t the target audience anyway.

Given that they neither pay the licence fee, watch the shows, nor live in the stinking country, it doesn’t matter how many cretins join your email campaign. The BBC should tell them all to knob off.


Sourpuss Malkin recently. The BBC didn’t upset her- she started upset.

BOYCOTT ISRAELI MUD

A bunch of people are boycotting Israeli products until they release Mandela, or whatever it is they’re whinging about now. I myself am doing my bit by boycotting Dead Sea mud, even if it does eliminate toxins and restore my skin’s pH balance.

They sell it in the Whitely’s Centre in Bayswater. £20 or £30 for a jar of black slime! People in W2 rub it into their stupid faces.

I can see the point of Israeli oranges, though. Eating fruit- I can relate to that.


 
             Before                                    After

   Beauty products from the Dead Sea.

NEW ZEALAND IS A CESSPIT, IT TURNS OUT

"NEW ZEALAND is a little, South Pacific version of 1950s England. People are friendly, trustworthy and hard-working. You can leave your front door unlocked when you go out. Women can safely walk alone at night and, if you drop your wallet, someone will deliver it to your door the next day."

That’s what I thought, too, but it turns out the country is an infernal cesspit, at least the 0.03% of it that is inhabited.

Killer Fact! New Zealand has 67% more murders per capita than the UK.

BLAIR- I WOULDN'T PUT ANYTHING PAST THAT A-HOLE

Did Blair time terror alerts to coincide with the opening of the County Pig Fair in Shropshire? That’s the question no one dares ask. Personally, I wouldn’t put anything past that a-hole.

What have we learnt from this week's events? That if you stamp out terrorism at Heathrow it sprouts up again in Henley-on-Thames:

TRADER TRAPPED IN SHOP BY SNIPERS. Hooligans armed with air rifles held a company director under siege after firing a hail of shots at his Henley showroom...

“It’s absolute idiocy,” said a local woman.

All the news is bad, but I keep myself sane by moving my foot in clockwise circles, while drawing the number 6 in the air with my finger. Your foot changes direction! Try it yourself.

If you would like to learn more about moving your foot clockwise while drawing the number six, click here for details.

WHY BOTHER?

Blogs foil terror plot! Charles Johnson arrests 24 in dawn raids! “Mainstream police” outclassed by internet busybodies!

I was going to write a side-splitting spoof news report, but now I find I can’t be bothered. Life is too short, the effort/benefit ratio too high. And would it have been worth it, after all?

Have to fly next week. Sodding bollocks. They’re really going to ratchet up the misery this time. I’m going to turn up at the airport with just my underpants and a book. They’ll probably confiscate the book, the cretins, but they won’t get my pants without a struggle.

But what book to take? And what pants to wear?

PULL THE OTHER ONE, IT’S GOT BELLS ON!

Reuters released more photos of Beirut today, trying to make it look as if the Israelis are bombing the city.

Not going to fall for that one again.