VIDEO

A naked lunatic charges into a restaurant and screams at people through a megaphone, for no very obvious reason. Like many of the best ideas it's so simple that you wonder you never thought of it yourself.



It must be the last thing you need if you’re trying to eat your dinner.

A THORNY ISSUE

"The Respect MP George Galloway has said it would be morally justified for a suicide bomber to murder Tony Blair."

Blowing up Blair is a thorny potato: it has its pros and cons. I see that Harry’s Place have come down very firmly on the 'Don’t blow up Blair' side of the fence –no doubt they feel the time is not ripe- but there are strong arguments to be made on both sides.

No one would seriously deny that Blair should to be put to death, but after a fair trial. You can’t just go blowing people up willy-nilly. Sorry, Abdul, but that’s not how we do things over here. You have to go through the proper channels.

But what if the trial drags on for years? What if Blair escapes to Switzerland and cheats the noose? There is always that risk. Others would argue that blowing him up will only give him the publicity he craves.

Opinion on whether we should assassinate the PM has become dangerously polarised in recent months. It is time to take a step back and consider these questions calmly and dispassionately. And let us focus on the things that unite us, not those which divide us. At the end of the day, it is a matter of individual conscience whether one assassinates the Prime Minister.

"3 million overfed zombies ruled by a deranged dynasty, surrounded by 300 million starving, loincloth-clad Muslims waiting patiently for the day when they pour out of the jungle and descend on the arrogant Chinese settlement to finish it off with their poison darts and machetes, leaving nothing but electronic road pricing equipment standing."

Description of Singapore.

ASIA-PACIFIC CRISIS

-Rival military factions in East Timor continued to engage in gun battles throughout Dili on Wednesday, after two people were killed and five injured in clashes on Tuesday.

-Vietnam struggles to deal with the aftermath of Typhoon Chanchu. Hundreds still missing.

-Australia battles to cope with the problem of tubby pets. One third of Australian cats are overweight; four in ten Australian dogs now major porkers.

                               
Timorese refugees struggle to survive.            An Australian struggles to lift an overfed cat.

LEGALISE POT, BAN PINK FLOYD

The minister for drugs said he had had "one or two puffs of marijuana" while a student but had not enjoyed the experience and decided not to repeat it.

Like a lot of Labour MPs, this guy seems to have made the transition from 1960s-style twerp to right-wing hoodlum, without at any point passing through common sense. All it takes is a haircut, apparently, and before you know it you're in favour of starting wars, golf and imprisonment without trial.

Full disclosure: when I was a student I dabbled with being Minister for Drugs, but I didn't enjoy the experience and decided not to repeat it. (I recommended that they legalise marijuana, but ban Pink Floyd. This is clearly contrary to common sense, but common sense can go and fuck itself, as far as I'm concerned.)

It's certainly true that one gets more right-wing as one grows older. When I was a kid I used to give money to the homeless. In my twenties, I would ignore them. These days I say, 'Get up, you lazy fleabag.' By the time I'm forty I expect I'll be giving them a rousing fine kick as I go past, on my way to gas some badgers.

Vote Labour, by the way.

Sorry I haven’t updated. The communists dynamited the power grid.

I came to Buenaventura last week, to start a new life as a fisherman. Since I arrived, there have been not one, not two, but eighteen bomb and grenade attacks. Why is no one ever pleased to see me?

I went out last night to try to rustle up a couple of slappers, but there was a curfew and no slappers to be had, not even for ready money. So I lay in bed, sans slappers, sweating like a hog in a sauna, trying to read Martin Chuzzlewit by candlelight. That's communism for you. I got as far as Chapter 2 'wherein certain certain persons are presented to the reader, with whom he may, if he please, become better acquainted', then threw it in the bin, and drank a litre or so of rum to obliterate consciousness.

Benidorm for me next year.

From Dumb Britain in this week's Private Eye:

DJ Danny: Napoleon died in St Helen’s [sic] on this day 165 years ago. What did he say on his death bed?
Lisa from Doncaster: Kiss me, Hardy.
DJ Danny: You’re right!
MAGIC AM BREAKFAST SHOW, SOUTH YORKS

That's really world class. You could make a column called Dumb Norway or Thick Japan, but it wouldn't be the same.