Warung Bebas

Saturday, May 13, 2006

SHE GASPED AS HIS PARLIAMENTARY MACE SPRANG LOOSE

Update! The other day I wrote that Prescott 'screwed his secretary'. I slightly regret phrasing it like that. It is possible that these two young people really love each other. You can’t knock love.

When the story broke my reaction was, “Prescott got his greens, did he? Good for him! There’s hope for us all.” I pictured him rolling in drunk after lunch one day with an obscene leer on his face, and making a boorish and ham-fisted lunge at her, after which they went at it like toads in a pond. That would have been my method.

But my mother always said that I mustn’t judge other people by my own low standards. It could be that the Deputy Prime Minister was a caring lover, who was sensitive to Tracey’s needs as a woman. We simply don’t know, until the Metropolitan Police have finished their investigation.

She had no intention of falling under his spell, but her body ached irresistibly for the touch of his cruel lips.
   'John,' she gasped, as she melted in his manly arms. 'John...'
   'Aye, lass,' whispered John. 'When tha'rt willin'!'
   'What?'
   'Get thee skates on,' he urged. She shuddered with delight as his throbbing parliamentary mace sprang loose.

I imagine the police report will say something along those lines.



"Sensitive lover" say Downing Street sources

Friday, May 12, 2006

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVOURITE THINGS

Just spent an improving half hour at Google Trends. Pakistan is the country that most searches for sex on Google, it turns out. So what? All that means is that their English isn't good enough to look for anything more depraved. Or so I thought: but they also come top for nude wrestling, jism and goat sex. These are a few of my favourite things.

The French come top for cunnilingus, but who came first for oral sex? If you'd given me fifty guesses I wouldn't have got it: it was Romania. Britain, of course, can generally hold her own when it comes to producing sexual deviants; and, sure enough, we got the gold for spanking, having -ha, ha, ha- beaten the Irish into second place. Singapore comes second for caning which, as luck would have it, is the penalty over there for nude wrestling, goat sex, etc. But they come first for “canning”. Edinburgh is top for idiots; but Tampa, Florida, is still number one for morons.

Perth, Australia, gets first place for chicks with dicks. Much as I expected.

Monday, May 8, 2006

IN DEFENCE OF JOHN PRESCOTT

"Scotland Yard has confirmed it is looking into a complaint that Mr Prescott broke the law by allegedly having sex in his Whitehall office."
If I were his lawyer, I would point out that using a government office for having sex with his secretary was far less ruinous for Britain than how he might otherwise have been using it. While Prescott was harmlessly fucking his secretary, the rest of the cabinet were probably hatching schemes to make us all line up and be fingerprinted. Put it this way: would you rather he was shafting his secretary, or the nation? We got off lightly.

I would go further: I would say that screwing his secretary is his main achievement since taking office, and one of the things that sets him apart from monomaniacs and cyborgs like Blair, Brown and Straw. Blair would no more fuck his secretary than he would read a novel. Why? Because he’s a lunatic and a freak, with no more sense of proportion than a Saudi cleric. Brute that he is, Prescott is one of the few members of the establishment who is still recognisably earthling.

"I’m the one who acted stupidly," he said. What was stupid about it? It was one of the few things he has done recently of which sane people might approve. You vote to abolish Habeas Corpus and the Magna Carta, then you apologise for screwing your secretary? Seriously, what’s wrong with everyone on that island? Besides which, to describe it as "stupid" is insulting to the woman, you great oaf.

Incidentally, trivia question: how many jags does "two-jags" own? He owns one jag (second hand). If he were French or Italian he could use his ministerial car to buy milk, visit his whippets, or whatever else he does with his wretched life. But because he was scrupulous, on that occasion, about the difference between government property and private property, he got jumped on.* And the same people who call him two-jags now bitch about him getting his end away in Whitehall.

I think he comes out of these scandals rather well. I still hope to see him hang, however.

*And to carjack or hotwire his jags would be another assault on the Magna Carta: "No sheriff, royal official, or other person shall take horses or carts for transport from any free man, without his consent." This often gets overlooked.

Saturday, May 6, 2006

KILLER FACT!

Germans have the highest IQ in Europe.




The most intelligent people in Europe. That, I'm afraid, is a fact.

Friday, May 5, 2006

SCHLONG SLANG

Blair gets his chopper out.

*Note for American readers: chopper is slang for penis or dong. The male member. Big Jim and the twins. One's Johnson. And therein lies the joke, if joke it be deemed.

If you would like to learn more about contemporary British culture, including demotic terms for cock, please contact the British Embassy in Washington, who will be happy to answer your queries: (202) 588 6500

Thursday, May 4, 2006

FAILED STATES 2006

1. Sudan (3)*
2. DR Congo (2)*
3. Ivory Coast (1)*
4. Iraq (4)*
5. Zimbabwe (15)*
6. Chad (7)*
(Tie) Somalia (5)*
8. Haiti (10)*
9. Pakistan (34)*
10. Afghanistan (11)*
146. Norway
* Position in 2005 report



Via Ivan the Terrible

THESE FIGURES CONVEY VERY LITTLE TO ME

The Magistrate: "We had a drink-driver in a couple of months ago who had blown a little over five times the limit on the EBM machine."

What's that in six-packs?
 

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