COLOMBIAN GIRL SANTAS

Trade ministers are gathering in Hong Kong for a crucial round of talks aimed at liberalising free trade. Who gives a toss, right? Here are some Colombian girl santas.



Met them in a supermarket in Medellin. To an economist, of course, such santas are non-tradeable goods and services, hence arbitrage not possible. Otherwise our inefficient domestic santas would quickly go the way of the red squirrel.

SCOTTISH MORONS

Glasgow survival. Go to where it says toys, and see if you can survive an encounter with the Scottish moron.

DECORATIONS A PAIN IN THE HOLE, CLAIMS LEADING INTELLECTUAL

"Putting decorations up is a pain in the fucking hole, so if I am going to do it, they must remain up for a reasonable length of time," argues Ball Bag, taking on the decorations cartels and Big Media. Read the whole thing, if you have nothing more pressing to do.

(Not suitable for miners.)

SOME VILLAIN HATH DONE ME WRONG

I am so fucking angry. I'm in this hostel for gits, and every time I want to publish my wise thoughts the computers are all taken by stupid people, sending emails to their stupid friends. "weather is great LOL, how is dave?" Idiots.

Those stinking backpackers stole my towel. First they came for my socks, but, because I was not a sock, I did nothing. Then my towel was hanging up to dry and someone made off with it, like a low Turk. My favourite towel, with leopards on it. I gave a description to the cops. We just have a couple of hundred homicides to deal with, then we'll get onto it, they sneered. They probably thought it was some kind of insurance scam.

I'm in Medellin. Murders have in fact fallen from 3,450 in 2002, to a mere 812 this year, which is more than the whole UK, but is still safer than going over the Niagara Falls in a barrel. That's the way I look at it.


Idiot

A BUNCH OF MIDGETS FIGHT OVER BUGGER ALL

Some guy was saying that people with weblogs are Rousseaus of the gutter. Is that supposed to be an insult? If anyone called me a Rousseau of the gutter I would challenge him to a duel.

What is a weblog?

-"An online journal comprised of links and postings in reverse chronological order." (Dan Gilmour)

-"Some cunt linking to some other cunt." (H.Hutton)

-"A bunch of midgets fighting over bugger all." (John Band)

-"Rousseaus of the gutter." (NoelNatter)

THE LAW OF ENGLAND ALLOWS ME TO BLUDGEON MOLES

Letter to Paul Goodman, MP for Wycombe:
Dear Sir,
I have a legal question about moles. As you are no doubt aware, many of them dig tunnels hundreds of miles long. It is almost the only thing they are any good at. It is possible -indeed, it is likely- that many such tunnels cross constituency boundaries.

It could be that, even as we speak, moles are crossing from your constituency to Labour boroughs, or vice versa. As beasts, that is their privilege.

And if I have a mole in my garden, I am quite within my rights to bash its nasty snout with a shovel. As your constituent, that is my right. The law is quite clear on that.

But what if a mole is also resident in Reading East, where Labour won? Is it your mole, and therefore a legitimate target, or an outside mole? Does its status change as it crosses the border, sneaking through the earth to its frightful dens? Or are there other factors that might nullify these calculations?

My friend Clive, whose uncle is a lawyer, says that technically all burrowing rodents belong to the Queen. I am not convinced that this is the case.

When would be a good time to discuss moles with you? I could come to the Houses of Parliament next week if that is convenient.

Yours faithfully,

H. Hutton


Goodman replies:



This guy seems a bit over-intelligent to be representing the people of Wycombe. A truly representative MP would be a villainous stuttering imbecile. I’m away at the moment, but if you have the misfortune to live in Wycombe and would like to go round to his office and wind him up, that would be a good use of a winter morning. I’ll email you some mole questions to tax him with.

TWELVE YEARS AGO

The major grabbed a radio and spoke directly to Colonel Martinez. "Viva Colombia. We have just killed Pablo Escobar."