LOCO HAROLD UPDATE

I put out an alert asking for information about Loco Harold, and five days later he was shot like a pig, in the company of his friend ''Knife''.

They were offering $2.5 million for Mr Knife* and an Amazon gift voucher for Harold. Personally, I would have given them probation, instead of shooting them like a pair of pigs.

*Señor Knife, in Spanish.


CORRECT!
As Laban the Tall points out, this post is a shoddy piece of crap, which compromises this site’s credibility as a serious news source. Loco Harold was no more shot like a pig than I was. They merely flung him in jail. And Mr Knife wasn't shot like a pig either. He seems to have drowned after police chased him into a river.

I would like to apologise to Loco Harold’s family for any distress I may have caused.

EL LOCO HAROLD

Colombian police are looking for El Loco Harold. There's a reward if you know where he is.



I haven’t seen Loco Harold since Klosters in 1995 when he lost a wager with Percy Dingethorpe about who could fit the most snow down his salopettes, and Boris Johnson got his foot stuck in an alpine horn.

Of course, back then he was known as non-payment-of-council-tax Harold. We were at Eton together. Frightful cad. Used to cut the nose off the stilton.

And now he's gone and joined the Colombian paramilitaries, the dog. Doesn't surprise me. Doesn't surprise me in the least.

You know what? This isn’t the same guy.

Steve Gerrard has a hamstring injury. Meanwhile, Turkey is trying to devalue its currency.

The obvious solution would be to give Gerrard a job as president of the Turkish central bank. His hamstring would get some rest, and the Turkish lira would plunge as investors bail out.

They pay me to solve problems.

ANOTHER HOLIDAY RUINED BY CROCODILES

JOHANNESBURG (AP) — An acclaimed outdoorsman who wrote movingly about testing himself against nature is presumed dead after a crocodile snatched him from his kayak while he led an American expedition from the source of the White Nile into the heart of Congo.

You're not safe anywhere these days.